Love Song
by darthelwig
Summary: A different take on everyone's favorite story. COMPLETE! Slash.
1. Endings Are Beginnings Too

Love Song

Chapter One- Endings Are Beginnings Too

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M (for later chapters). Slash Warning!

AU- Sanzo & Co. take on Kougaiji in a battle of the bands, and along the way old wounds are reopened and lives are changed forever.

Extra Special Thanks to GhostHelwig for helping me with the plot for this whopper of a story. I couldn't have done it without you! Thanks for listening to me whine.

A/N- At its core, this is a love story, but I wanted to incorporate a lot of different plotlines and stories from the show and the manga. I had to change a few things, of course, to make the storyline work but I'd like to think I've stayed true to the characters themselves.

I know there are some key plot points from their stories that I may have omitted, but I fit in everything I could that would still be relevant to _this_ story. I'm sorry if I left anything important out, but I did what I could.

There ARE quite a few points that will come up which are open to debate, but I hope that won't diminish your enjoyment of the story.

So, please, with an open heart and an open mind, come on in. Sanzo is waiting.

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"I'm moving on" 

"What are you talking about?" Gojyo asked, taking a drag off his cigarette and eyeing Kougaiji with little patience. Long crimson hair and a cloud of smoke obscured his face, making it difficult for Kou to judge his true reaction to the news.

"You heard me," Kou said. "I'm leaving the band." He was irritated now, unhappy about this entire turn of events. He wasn't supposed to be saying this. They were supposed to be rehearsing their new songs for the big contest in a few months. This was supposed to be their big chance to make a name for themselves. Breaking up the band at this crucial point wasn't supposed to happen!

But he knew it was his own fault. He'd let his stepmother pressure him into this, and now it was too late to turn back. The wheels of the great machine surrounding him had already been set in motion. He could feel the slow, inevitable grinding of their teeth as they devoured his old, worn out dreams.

He looked at Sanzo, who didn't meet his gaze. He would find no comfort there, nothing to assuage his guilt at leaving his friends in the lurch like this. _He_ had something to move on to. _He_ had a band waiting for him. _They_ would be forced to start over from scratch- building a working relationship with another guitarist who would struggle to learn their songs- all in four short months. He was destroying their chances to win and he knew it, and Sanzo knew it too.

"If I may ask, why now?" Hakkai said, sounding polite as usual, but also… disappointed. Nothing of his feelings showed on his face, though, and Kou found it distinctly uncomfortable to meet the man's calm, unnervingly blank gaze. He forced himself to do so, his pride making him incapable of any less.

"My stepmother thinks this is the best thing for my career," he said, and Gojyo snorted. Anger and embarrassment burned twin flames in Kou's heart as Gojyo glared at him in open contempt.

"I happen to agree with her!" Kou spat, arrogance appearing to shelter his wounded pride.

"You _do_, do you?" Sanzo asked, finally raising his eyes to Kou's. "Then why are you still _here_?"

The cold, dismissive, almost mocking tone of Sanzo's voice infuriated Kou. The blond obviously couldn't care less if Kou stayed or went, as long as he just _did_ it.

Kou was hurt by the way his band mates were reacting. Didn't they understand that _he_ was a victim here too? That the only good choice he could make for himself was to do as his stepmother wanted and begin his career in earnest? If he wanted to make her happy, and please his father as well perhaps, he _had_ to do this! These three- his supposed _friends_- couldn't they even _try_ to understand where he was coming from? He had _obligations_. _Responsibilities_.

"None of you would understand," he said, snorting in derision. "I have a _family_, people who care about me, people who are looking out for my best interests. I want to make them happy. I want to do what's best for them. And maybe my stepmother is right! I'll go further without you three aimless _losers_ hanging around my neck dragging me down!" He was trembling with rage, violet eyes flashing in righteous anger.

Hakkai sat at his drum set, saying nothing, but Gojyo set his bass aside and took a threatening step towards Kougaiji, hands balled into tight, white-knuckled fists.

"Get out of here, _scumbag_, before I really get angry and break every bone in that too-perfect-for-us body of yours."

Kou stared Gojyo down for a moment, unafraid but aware of how serious the other man's threat was. Then he turned and left without another word, slamming the door as he went.

The three remaining band members were silent for a long while, until Sanzo finally spoke. His voice was loud in the thick silence that surrounded them.

"Well," he said, flicking the butt of his cigarette to the floor with casual grace, his face unconcerned. "That's that."

Hakkai looked at him, eyebrows raised.

"What do we do now?" he asked.

Gojyo turned to Sanzo as well, curious. Sanzo just shrugged and lit another cigarette. He took a long drag and moved toward the door.

"We find a new guitarist," he said, swinging the door open and walking out.

Hakkai's gaze met Gojyo's, both of them wondering what the hell they were going to do.


	2. The Plot Thickens

Love Song

Chapter Two- The Plot Thickens

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M (for later chapters). Slash Warning.

A/N- Before any Kougaiji fans decide to eat me for breakfast, please listen. I actually DO have a plan for him, so please be patient. All will be revealed in good time.

And in case anyone is wondering about the rating, it IS accurate. Just give me time. I'm trying to let this story play out at its own pace.

Again, Special Thanks to GhostHelwig for helping me put this story together. I'd be lost without your guidance!

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His stepmother was waiting when Kougaiji walked in the door. She greeted him with a thin, strained smile.

"And?" she said, raising an eyebrow and folding her arms.

"It's done," he replied, and her smile widened, blossoming into the first real expression of happiness he'd seen on her face in quite some time. It eased the lingering pain in his heart to know he'd managed to bring her some happiness, even if just for a moment. This woman had loved him when his own mother had not. She had raised him, embraced him and made him feel worthwhile again. He owed her everything, even if he had to break his own heart to give it to her.

She patted his cheek, gazing at him in open approval.

"I know it seems hard _now_, but believe me when I say it _will_ get easier for you. You'll see. Life will be so much better now that you've shed their dead weight. You're meant to _shine_, Kougaiji, and you _will_. Mother will make sure of that."

Kougaiji smiled at her, letting his hurt melt away under her loving approval. She always managed to make him feel better about things.

"Do you anticipate any trouble with your _new_ band mates?" she asked, and Kou shook his head.

"No. Dokugakuji and Yaone are excited about it, and both of them are excellent musicians. We've already gone over our material a couple of times."

"It helps that they're such good friends of yours, dear. I'm sure they _jumped_ at the chance to play with such a talented guitarist as _yourself_."

Kougaiji laughed, almost blushing with embarrassment. He was still decidedly uncomfortable with the high praise his stepmother always heaped upon him. But he had to admit that it _did_ feel nice to hear someone speak so highly of his skills.

"And Lirin is anxious to get started as well," his stepmother continued. "She's such a bundle of energy."

Kou's smile softened as he nodded his agreement. His younger half-sister was one of the greatest joys of his life, even if he would never admit it openly. It was true that she could be quite the pest at times, given her seemingly inexhaustible energy and enthusiasm for life, but she never failed to make him happy. He seemed to have a soft spot for incorrigible youths.

"Well, why don't you go get some rest, dear. I'm sure this has been a difficult day for you. And don't forget that Ni is coming by later to meet with all of you. He's got big plans for you, darling."

"I know," Kou replied, nodding again. "I'll be prepared. Doku and Yaone already know they need to be here."

"Good. Now run along, dear."

Kou went upstairs, his heart so much lighter than it had been when he'd come in the house.

Gyokumen Koushu watched him go, the smile fading from her face to reveal a hard, pinched look around her eyes. It was becoming more and more difficult for her to maintain her façade of loving adoration for that boy. His weak, spineless attitude was wearing on her nerves.

"Drink?" came a soft voice from behind her. She turned to the dark-haired man, who was holding a glass out to her. She took it and wrinkled her nose as she caught a whiff of the pungent smell of alcohol.

"I'm running out of patience, Ni." Her voice was different now. In fact, her entire demeanor had changed. Kougaiji would not have recognized the woman standing there now- who was all haughty disdain and cold malice.

"Patience," Ni said, looking completely nonplussed by the woman's self-serving two-faced personality. "Things are finally coming together. Now's not the time to do anything… _rash_."

She glared at him coldly, sipping her drink.

"I'm aware of the plan. It _is_ mine, after all. Kougaiji will be famous and _I_ will reap the benefits of his _boundless_ love." She smiled, imagining the wealth and prestige that she would enjoy once her good-for-nothing stepson made a name for himself. It was so close she could almost taste it. All she needed to do was put up with his aggravating neediness just a little while longer. Once he won the big "Battle of the Bands" contest, he would get his recording contract and the world would be theirs for the taking.

And she would finally be living the life she deserved- the life that fool husband of hers had failed to provide her. Well, what she couldn't get from her absentee husband she would take from her devoted stepson.

She smiled again as she took another sip of her drink, lost in her fantasy world.

Ni's lips curled up into a sly smirk and he suppressed an entirely inappropriate giggle. Yes, things were going exactly as planned.

….

Sanzo leaned against their van, which was parked in front of their apartment building. He wondered how long it would be before Hakkai and Gojyo realized that without a guitarist they couldn't play any gigs, and without that income they wouldn't have their apartment for long. Which also meant that all the soundproofing they'd installed would be worthless. They certainly wouldn't be able to rehearse there any longer.

If he was a less understanding person, he would have beaten Kou to a bloody pulp for this, though he doubted the little momma's boy had even thought that far ahead. Not that it really mattered. Kou could live his life however he wanted. That was his right. Being dumped like yesterday's garbage just didn't sit well with him.

He sighed and tossed his cigarette to the ground, grinding it under one booted foot like it was Kou's face. They'd end up living in the van again for sure, and there was only _so much_ room in there, especially with all the equipment stowed in it too. He wasn't looking forward to spending so much time in close quarters with his band mates. All of a sudden, he wanted to pound Kou's face in again. He savored the mental image of his fist plowing into Kou's 'perfect' face, smashing his nose into hamburger. He smiled to himself.

"Is Kougaiji finally gone?" asked a voice that sent an involuntary shiver down Sanzo's spine. He looked up at Dougan with an angry frown.

"What do _you_ know about it?" he asked through gritted teeth. He hated this guy. He was _creepy_, always showing up in the oddest places at the oddest times and staring at him with that creepy _look_ of his- one part lust, one part worship and _completely_ unnerving.

"It was bound to happen," Dougan said in his strangely high, silky voice. "He wasn't good enough for you." Dougan was smiling at him in that was that made his skin itch, and he forced himself to remain expressionless and cool. He refused to show any sign of weakness in front of this weirdo.

"What do you want?" he asked, nearly growling the words. Everything about this guy set his teeth on edge.

"I want to join your band," Dougan replied, seemingly oblivious to Sanzo's barely concealed and growing discomfort. "You know I can play very well. And I've even taken the time to learn all of your songs."

"You _what_?" Sanzo said, surprised despite himself. "How the hell did you do _that_?"

"I have a good ear for these things, and I've been to most of your performances, you know. I couldn't _possibly_ miss seeing you onstage. You're absolutely _amazing_."

Dougan was eyeing him like a prime piece of meat, and Sanzo was hard-pressed to restrain his fist from connecting with that leering face.

"I want to play with you, Sanzo. Won't you let me?" Dougan asked, his tone innocent but his eyes holding a deeper, more disturbing meaning. Sanzo suppressed a shudder.

"I don't think so," he said, lighting another cigarette to calm his nerves.

"_Why not_? You _know_ I'm good enough. You've heard me play!"

Sanzo looked at Dougan, his expression detached and cold.

"Irrelevant," he said matter-of-factly. "We're finding someone else."

Dougan was taken aback by Sanzo's cold attitude. Apparently rejection was not a reaction he had anticipated.

"You _need_ me," he said, eyes narrowed. "Who _else_ knows all your songs? Do you _really_ think you'll be able to win the big contest with only a few short months remaining to find a replacement?" Dougan smiled triumphantly, but Sanzo just took another drag off his cigarette and nodded.

"Yeah. I do," he said. "Sorry to _disappoint_ you." He smirked at the way the smile just dropped off of Dougan's face, to be replaced with an angry glare.

"Have it your way, _Sanzo_. But you'll come begging to me later. _You'll see_!" Dougan turned on his heel and stalked off, his long, dark hair trailing after him.

Sanzo looked up at the sky and exhaled a long, thin stream of smoke from between his lips.

"Damn it," he muttered, cursing every cruel fate that shined down on him. "What _next_?"


	3. Fate's a Funny Thing

Love Song

Chapter Three- Fate's a Funny Thing

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash Warning.

Thank you again to GhostHelwig for helping me out every time I hit a rough spot in this story. I don't know what I would've done without you.

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The last notes of the song reverberated through the room, slowly fading into nonexistence. Soft applause filled the void it left behind.

"My, don't we sound good today," Ni said, clapping. "At this rate you'll be in tip-top shape in no time at all."

Kougaiji nodded, setting his guitar down.

"We'll be ready," he said grimly, determination etched clearly across his handsome face.

"We're _already_ ready!" Lirin said, jumping up from the drum set. "We're gonna kick _serious_ ass!" She pumped one fist into the air, her face so serious that Kou wanted to laugh. Instead, he just grinned at his stepsister. Her enthusiasm and confidence were infectious.

"I agree," Doku said in his deep, gravelly voice. "Nothing can stop us now. Not with our skills and your songwriting." He smiled thinly at Kou, who returned the smile with a merry grin of his own. It felt good to be surrounded by his _real_ friends at last.

"We won't let you down," Yaone chimed in. Kou gazed at her fondly, his eyes full of warmth for these people who were so dear to him.

"I know," he said. "We're going to _win_. I can feel it."

Ni just kept smiling. Gyokumen Koushu would be pleased. These four played very well together. Winning the big prize was well within their grasp. Then Kou's face would be everywhere and _she_ could live the life she's always wanted.

Yes, they were headed in the right direction, and he would make certain this plan succeeded. After all, that was his job, wasn't it? And besides, it would be _so_ much fun. How many people actually got to play with their very own real, life-size dolls?

….

Sanzo was walking. Aimlessly. He didn't really care _where_ he ended up, as long as he was away from his band mates.

He'd been right. They had lost their apartment and were now staying in the van, and it was driving him crazy. He didn't know how Hakkai could stand their current situation with such good humor.

At least Gojyo got to spend time in an actual bed. His female conquests were more than happy to share their space with the redhead. Gojyo wasn't forced to spend very many nights trapped with them in the cramped confines of the van.

And at least the moron had the good sense to ask his feminine companions to feed his two band mates as well as himself. That went a long way toward making up for the unfairness of it all.

Sanzo had to admit that, with all things concerned, they weren't very bad off right now. Gojyo could always find some girl who would let them wash their clothes, take a bath or even give them cigarettes. Sanzo had never thought he'd find himself thankful for Gojyo's womanizing ways, but they certainly had paid off this time.

And Gojyo wasn't likely to let him forget it, either. If that asshole didn't shut up with all wiseass remarks pretty soon, Sanzo was going to make him regret it- perks or no perks. There was only so much arrogant teasing he could take.

Sometimes he wondered if he'd made a mistake not taking Dougan up on his offer, but he always quickly reminded himself of the man's creepy adoration and the niggling doubts would disappear. There had to be a better way. He just had to find it. It had been nearly two months since Kou had left. Surely they were due for some good fortune by now.

He continued walking, not really paying attention to where he was headed. He was so consumed by his own thoughts that he didn't even realize he'd left the majority of the noise and traffic behind and entered a more subdued, residential area of the city. Here there were actual small lawns, with neatly trimmed hedges and fences lining the properties. This was an area he didn't venture into very often. It was too quiet for his tastes and he stuck out like a sore thumb.

Fortunately for him, it was midday, and most of these people had jobs to go to, so there weren't any anxious faces pressed to the windows waiting to see if he did anything 'suspicious'. He could relax a bit.

He lit a cigarette as he made his way down the shady sidewalk. It was almost _too_ quiet here, like he'd landed in some sort of strange, parallel universe from the one he usually occupied. He told himself to quit being so foolish and put that thought out of his mind.

A distant sound reached his ears- a _familiar_ sound. He cocked his head, listening, and the faint sound of a guitar being skillfully manipulated could be just barely discerned in the still air. Curiosity burned within him. Who in the world was playing a guitar _here_? He doubted any of these people even knew what a guitar _looked_ like.

He followed the music, across lawns and over fences, not letting anything distract him from his goal. Gradually the music became louder until he found the house he was searching for. He looked around, but the house was closed up tight. No one seemed to be home. But the music hadn't stopped, and even though the instrument was badly in need of tuning, it was the sweetest sound he'd ever heard.

Sanzo circled the house, searching for the source of the music, and finally spotted a small, rectangular window at the base of the house, near the back. The music was coming from there, and he knelt down before it, trying to see inside. It was cracked open a bit, which he supposed was the reason he'd been able to hear the notes in the first place, but he couldn't see much inside- just a dusty floor and some old boxes.

"Hello?" he called, and the music stopped instantly. He heard a faint scrambling sound, then a pair of large, golden eyes appeared at the window. They stared at him, unblinking and obviously stunned.

"Are you the one who's been making all that racket?" he asked, voice not _entirely_ unkind, and the head in the window slowly nodded. Those entrancing eyes were still fixed on him, but for some reason it wasn't creepy at all. He was surprised, but his skin didn't prickle under that strange gaze like it usually did when people stared at him too long.

"What's your name, kid?"

"Goku," said the boy, and Sanzo was surprised to discover the boys' voice indicated he was older than he appeared. Of course, all he could really see were those _eyes_. They were… _different_.

"Goku," Sanzo said, testing the name on his tongue. It felt strangely _natural_ to be saying that name, though he'd never heard it before. "Ever thought about joining a band?" he asked the boy.

"A band?" The boy looked completely confused by the question.

"Yeah, a rock band. I'm in one and we're looking for a guitarist."

The boy's eyes widened in disbelief.

"You want me to play in your band?" He looked shocked, as if he'd never before entertained the notion that someone might _want_ his skills.

"We're not rich or even remotely famous, but we're good. There's no money in it right now, but if you want to play, we could use you." Sanzo shrugged, but his words hadn't dampened the kid's enthusiasm at all. Goku was hopping up and down like a maniac. Then suddenly the fire went out of him and he looked at Sanzo with eyes full of regret.

"I can't," he said. "I'm sorry."

"Why not?" Sanzo asked, unwilling to take 'no' for an answer. This boy was better than any of the other guitarists they'd auditioned. If they were going to take a genuine stab at winning that recording contract, they needed him.

"I can't leave," Goku said, hiding his face beneath the window's ledge.

"I can bring you back home later. If you're worried about your parents-."

"They're _not_ my parents!" Goku said sharply, eyes reappearing at the window. "I don't _have_ any parents. And that's not what I meant."

Now Sanzo was completely confused.

"Then what the hell are you talking about?" he asked, willing the boy to give him a straight answer.

"I _can't_ leave. They keep me locked up in here. I'm not supposed to leave the basement."

Sanzo was furious. These people kept Goku locked in the _basement_? His mind flashed back to his own memories of foster homes and loneliness… a misery that, for him, had ended the day he'd wound up on Koumyou Sanzo's doorstep. That man's kindness had changed his life, though the bitter core of him that was the child Kouryuu still remained. He had changed his name, but he couldn't change what his years in the system had done to him. But at least he had experienced goodness _once_. This boy was kept caged like an _animal_.

Rage grew in Sanzo's heart at the casual cruelty this boy had suffered and his vision clouded with a red haze.

He strangled his growing fury with effort, swallowing hard against the tightness in his throat. When he spoke again, his voice was soft, his tone carefully controlled.

"Are you alone?" he asked. Goku looked confused by the question, but he answered anyway.

"They left earlier. I heard them say they would be gone all day."

"Good." Sanzo rose to his feet and walked around the house to the front door. As he'd expected, it was locked, but he wasn't going to let one stupid door deter him. He released the chokehold on his rage and let it fill him with its strength.

The door was going down.

….

Goku began to panic when the blond man walked away. Was he going to leave him there? No one had bothered speaking to him for such a long time. He didn't want the man to go! He didn't want to be alone anymore.

Then he heard a sharp crack from the front of the house, and nearly jumped out of his skin. He leapt down from his perch on top of some boxes and looked at the door at the top of the stairs. He could hear someone moving around up there. Could it really be? Was the golden one coming to get him?

Then the door opened, spilling bright sunlight down into the perpetual twilight of the dusty basement. Goku blinked, eyes watering at the sudden change, and when he looked again the blond man was in the doorway. His hair glowed in the light like a golden halo- Goku's very own personal guardian angel. His angel leaned forward and held out his hand.

"Come on. You're coming with me," he said, and Goku took a few shaky, hesitant steps forward. He moved up the stairs, feeling like he was in a dream. He didn't feel the stairs under his feet, wasn't aware of climbing them. His world had narrowed down to the man standing before him, who shone so brightly he rivaled the sun.

Something clicked in Goku as he reached out and took the hand that was held out to him. Something in him just… _shifted_…and a great, bottomless joy swelled in his heart. He stepped out of the darkness and into the warm sunlight that awaited him, his fingers still clasped in the other man's firm grip, and took a long look backwards at the cage he had emerged from. And he knew, in that moment, without knowing how he could be so certain, that he would never go back. His future was filled with warmth and with light, and he followed his angel out of that house he hated so very much.

And this time, he didn't look back.


	4. Go With the Flow

Love Song

Chapter Four- Go With the Flow

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Thank you to GhostHelwig for always taking the time to listen to me rant about this story, and for being the best Beta-reader ever. You rock!

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"All is well, my lady," Ni said, and Gyokumen Koushu looked up at him from her seat next to the pool. She fanned herself slowly, leveling her most arrogant, regal gaze at the man.

"Why do you insist on calling me by that _ridiculous_ title?" she asked him, deliberately sounding more annoyed than she actually was. Ni was an odd man, and she did her best to keep him in his place. It wouldn't do to have him thinking he was more important in the grand scheme of things than he actually was.

"It's a sign of my high regard for you, _my lady_."

'Lady' Koushu, as Ni had taken to calling her, was an intelligent, perceptive woman. She trusted Ni about as much as she would an unfamiliar stray dog. Without warning, it could turn around and bite you. She kept that knowledge to herself, preferring her little 'friend' to think he had her complete confidence. The truth of the matter was, the only person she trusted completely was herself. She was quite aware that she was the only person who had her own best interests at heart. Ni had a different agenda, and one day she would figure out what it was. But for now she would allow him to continue playing the role of dutiful servant. Sometimes it even amused her.

"How is Kougaiji doing?" she asked, moving on to more important matters. "Will he be ready when the time comes? I don't want him to blow this for me."

"Oh yes," Ni said, smiling. "They are well on their way to complete success."

"What about Sanzo and the others? Are they out of the picture?" She sounded anxious about it, she knew, but some things couldn't be helped. Kougaiji's old band mates were the biggest obstacle to her plan to make her stepson a star. If anyone could beat her pathetic, spineless, yet talented stepson in the Battle of the Bands contest, it would be those three hellions. They were good, no doubt about it. But they were difficult, if not impossible, to control and had influenced Kougaiji for far too long. He had started to become more independent, rebellious even, and she had taken steps to nip that in the bud immediately.

Undermining Kougaiji's faith in those three had been a true challenge, but she had finally managed to break their hold over him and reassert her control. If her stepson had possessed more of a backbone, it never would have worked, but he was firmly in her corner now, as he should be. Now all she had to do was make sure those boys _stayed_ out of the picture.

"They're still searching high and low for a guitarist to take Kougaiji's place, my lady. It seems that lady luck and I are not smiling down upon them at the moment."

Lady Koushu smiled, satisfaction dripping from her lips.

"Excellent. I don't know how you do these things, but make sure it continues. I don't want them sniffing around our prize." Her voice was cold and hard. Betraying an iron will beneath her veneer of soft decadence.

"It shall be as you command, my lady," Ni said, bowing slightly.

"Stop that," she told him, annoyed.

"As you wish." Ni giggled, his mind already on other, more interesting, games.

….

Sanzo gritted his teeth and tried to ignore the pounding headache forming right behind his eyes. It was only a little further to where they'd parked the van. Surely he could refrain from slaughtering their new guitarist for just a little longer.

The kid was older than he looked. He was just small for his age. Sanzo had almost refused to believe the kid was turning eighteen next month, but the boy also didn't know how to lie, apparently. At least, not well.

Sanzo guessed that part of the reason Goku was so small was due to malnourishment. He'd whined about being hungry for over an hour until Sanzo had broken down and used some of his precious cash to buy him a sandwich. The food had disappeared in seconds, but it seemed to have calmed the boy down a little. For now.

At least he didn't have to worry about losing the kid in a crowd. Goku spent most of his time gawking and exclaiming over everything he saw, but he also never let Sanzo out of his sight. He either had an uncanny awareness of the blonde's proximity or eyes in the back of his head, because every time Sanzo would get just the slightest bit too far away the kid would stop whatever he was doing to follow after him. It didn't matter if he was entranced by a billboard, petting someone's dog or even listening to a passing car's blaring radio- the second Sanzo reached that invisible line, Goku would turn and come trotting after him. He was better than a trained monkey.

Sanzo grunted as the kid ran into him and clutched his arm. Golden eyes stared up at him, begging for attention Sanzo didn't want to give. Not with his temper being fueled by a steadily growing headache. But he looked at Goku anyway, unable to deny the lonely boy whatever company he could give, even if it wasn't great.

"So what do I call you?" Goku asked. "What's your name?"

"Sanzo. Call me Sanzo," the blonde replied. Slightly surprised at himself. He hadn't realized he'd neglected to tell the boy his name. Things like that didn't normally escape his notice. He must be more tired than he thought, to let such a simple thing slip by him so easily. But there'd be no rest for him this evening- not in that damn van- and now they had another body to cram into it. Still, things should be looking up for them soon. They had a guitarist now. All they had to do was teach him the handful of original songs they'd written and a few good covers and they'd be good to go.

A sudden, unbidden and unwelcome thought came to him, and he stopped dead in his tracks, pulling Goku to a stop with him. The boy recovered easily and Sanzo's narrowed gaze examined him closely.

"You're a guitarist," Sanzo said. It wasn't a question, but Goku replied anyway.

"Uh-huh."

"You play guitar."

"Yup!" the boy said, smiling happily. Sanzo's stomach sank as he asked his question, afraid he already knew the answer.

"Where's your _guitar_?"

Goku's smile faded a bit but didn't disappear. He _did_ begin to blush, though, and Sanzo was forced to restrain himself from slamming his own head into the nearest wall.

"I kinda forgot it back at the house," Goku said. "But it wasn't really mine anyway."

Sanzo felt like slapping himself. How the hell could he have been so stupid as to forget the very thing that had led him to bring the boy with him in the first place? There was nothing to be done about it now, though. It was too late to turn back, and returning to the scene of the crime- so to speak- probably wasn't the best idea. They would just have to find a way to get the kid another one. Somehow.

"Come on," he said, walking more quickly now. "We're almost there."

If Gojyo teased him about this, they'd be one member short again.

….

Goku followed obediently behind his guardian angel. He felt silly for forgetting to bring his guitar, but really, it didn't belong to him anyway. And he didn't really want any reminders of _that place_ with him. It was better this way! Now he could start over completely fresh.

He had no doubts that life would be better now, no matter what happened. At least he would be _living_, not merely existing.

He also knew there were dangers out here in the world. He'd spent hours sitting with his ear pressed to the door at the top of the stairs, listening with sharp ears to the television his keepers watched, or eavesdropping on their conversations. He was no fool. He knew that walking into an unknown situation with a man he'd just met was probably stupid. He knew that if he'd misjudged this man, he could be headed for death… or worse… at the hands of a maniac, but he didn't care. He was _free_.

And his heart already trusted. This blond, shining, beautiful man was his savior- his angel. Goku could no more distrust this man than stop the sun from rising- and why would he even want to?

He'd looked into the man's eyes- eyes he hadn't realized were the most amazing shade of violet until he saw them up close- and he'd seen something. It wasn't kindness. It was… _compassion_. This man truly _felt_ for others. Goku could see the compassion directed at _him_.

So he followed Sanzo happily, trusting and secure.

They stopped next to an old, beat up van parked in front of a run-down apartment building. There were less people on the street here, and no one who did pass by even gave them a glance. In a place like this, it was best to mind your own business.

Sanzo unlocked the van and pulled open the double doors at the back. Goku's eyes widened as he saw all the equipment jammed inside, as well as a few bags of personal belongings.

"Um… is that the band?" Goku asked, not thinking about how the question sounded. Sanzo glanced at him and frowned.

"Of course not. That's our _gear_. Are you some kind of _idiot_?" Annoyance dripped off every word and Goku kicked himself for saying something so stupid. He wanted his angel to think well of him, not become convinced he was some kind of moron.

Sanzo rummaged through one of the bags and pulled out a comb. He tossed it to Goku, who just stood there staring at it.

"Comb that mop of yours," Sanzo commanded, and Goku immediately obeyed. Pulling the comb through his long, thick hair was a pain, but the look in the blonde's eyes held no room for argument. Sanzo lit a cigarette and watched the procedure for awhile, making sure it got done right. He hated messy.

"Hey Sanzo," called a voice. Goku paused in his combing, but Sanzo just raised an eyebrow and the boy continued again, trying to comb as well as he could while only half paying attention. The other half of his mind was devoted to watching two young men approach the van. One had long, blood-red hair and a cigarette in his mouth. Two long, thin scars curved over his left cheek. The other had thick, dark hair and wore a strange little round glass over his right eye.

The two men greeted Sanzo, throwing curious glances Goku's way but not saying anything about him yet.

"Did you get more cigarettes?" Sanzo asked the red-haired one, who nodded and handed over a carton of them.

"We need money soon, Sanzo. It's getting harder to find a girl willing to buy this much for me."

Sanzo didn't reply. He just leaned back against the van and looked at Goku again, who was still struggling with one stubborn knot in his long hair.

"Maybe I should cut it," Sanzo muttered, eyeing the long brown strands critically.

"Ah, Sanzo… who is this?" the dark-haired man asked in a soft, oddly melodic voice.

"My name's Goku," the boy said, giving up on the knot at last. "Who are _you_?"

"I'm Hakkai. This is Gojyo," he said, indicating the redhead. "Pleased to meet you, Goku." Hakkai smiled at the boy and Goku saw true kindness in the man's eyes. He smiled back.

"Goku is our new guitarist," Sanzo said casually, and both Hakkai and Gojyo turned to the blonde in shock.

"_What_?" Gojyo said. "What the hell are you talking about? He's just a _kid_! He can't even _get in_ to half our usual jobs!"

"Sanzo, aren't we supposed to discuss things like this before we arbitrarily decide? Shouldn't he at least _audition_?"

Then two men were talking over each other, protesting loudly. Goku could see Sanzo's irritation growing as they kept talking. He was annoyed too. They didn't even know him or what he could do!

"I'm not a kid!" Goku yelled, drawing their attention. "I'll be eighteen soon! And I can play! I just need a guitar!"

Gojyo stared at the boy, and then looked at Sanzo in disbelief.

"He doesn't even have a _guitar_? Great! Maybe he can play _air_ guitar for us! That should be _great_ for our careers!"

"_Shut up!_" Sanzo yelled, tossing the remains of his cigarette to the ground. "He can play and we'll _get_ him a damn guitar. If you have a problem with that, _you_ can leave!"

Gojyo looked like he'd been slapped. He stared at Sanzo in mute shock for a moment, then shook his head and raised his hands in defeat.

"_Fine_," he said, not sounding happy at all. "We'll do things your way, like we _always_ do."

Hakkai was looking at Goku, and the boy fidgeted under the man's penetrating stare. He couldn't read the older man's face, couldn't tell what he was thinking. It made him uneasy.

Hakkai finally looked away, looked at _Sanzo_, and he was much calmer than Gojyo when he spoke.

"We'll trust you on this, Sanzo. If you think he's good, then he must be. I just wish you consulted us first."

"There really wasn't an opportunity," Sanzo said, looking slightly abashed, if not apologetic. Hakkai nodded.

"So how are we gonna get the kid a guitar?" Gojyo asked, voice carefully neutral.

"No idea," Sanzo said, and Hakkai reached into his pocket, pulling out a large gold pocket watch. He looked at it for a moment, running his thumb over the cool metal. He looked at Sanzo and Gojyo with sober, serious eyes.

"We can sell _this_," Hakkai said, holding up the watch. Gojyo's eyes widened and he shook his head.

"No way, Hakkai. That's too much to ask of you. That watch is _important_ to you. It's all you have left of your _family_!"

Hakkai smiled sadly.

"I know, and I've treasured it for a long time. But our dream is important to me too. If selling this can help make that happen, then I will gladly part with it." He was sad but sure, his voice steady and his face full of resolve.

Sanzo met Hakkai's gaze and held it.

"Are you certain you want to do this, Hakkai? There might be another way." The words seemed to come hard for the blonde, but he asked anyway, forcing his own wants aside for the moment. That watch was worth more than enough for a guitar and amp. He knew this was a sure way to get what they needed. But it was also a piece of Hakkai's _history_, and he respected the man enough to give him the choice rather than take advantage of his generosity.

"I'm sure," Hakkai said. "There _is_ no other way. We're broke and there's no one to help us, so we have to help ourselves. I'll have faith in your judgment, Sanzo. If you believe in Goku's abilities, I'll do everything in my power to make this work… even sacrifice _this_."

Hakkai's face broke into a gentle smile and Sanzo dropped his measuring gaze. Gojyo still looked horrified, but Hakkai put a hand on the redhead's arm and squeezed.

"It's okay," Hakkai said, still smiling. "It wasn't doing me any good anyway."

"If it's what you really want, I won't try to stop you. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing," Gojyo said, looking at Hakkai in concern. "I don't want you doing something you're just going to end up regretting later."

"I've no room in my life for regrets, Gojyo. You know that."

Goku watched Hakkai and Gojyo share a long look. There was meaning there- a deep ocean of swirling undercurrents- but he couldn't make heads or tails of the emotions reflected in their gazes.

Sanzo ignored them and moved to Goku's side. The boy looked up into his angel's violet eyes as one long-fingered hand settled into his hair. An almost tender look entered the blonde's eyes as he regarded the boy before him.

"We're cutting it," he said grimly, and Goku flinched.


	5. When Lines Are Drawn

Love Song

Chapter Five- When Lines Are Drawn

By darthelwig

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Thank you to GhostHelwig for seeing me through this project. When I was at my weakest, you were there for me. Thank you!

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Goku ran a tentative hand through his newly shorn locks for the billionth time. Cutting it had been a painless, but rather traumatic experience for him. But Sanzo had stayed with him while Hakkai worked on his hair, and Goku had clung to the blonde's arm like it was some sort of lifeline. He knew Sanzo had been about to pull away from him, but something had changed his mind at the last second, and he'd _stayed_, allowing Goku to keep his almost painful hold. Whatever the reason, Goku had been grateful for that simple kindness.

He was still getting used to his hair being so much shorter and lighter now. Sanzo had snapped at him to leave it alone, but Goku thought he might have finally given up. The boy simply _could not_ stop touching it.

Even so, when Sanzo glanced at Goku, one eyebrow raised, the boy yanked his hand down away from his head. The slightest smile touched his angel's lips and Goku felt the tightness in his chest, which had been there since Hakkai had taken those damn shears to his hair, loosen up a bit. He smiled at Sanzo, who looked away quickly.

Goku's stomach growled and he pressed his palms to his belly.

"Sanzo, I'm hungry!" he announced, and his angel's eye twitched. Sanzo was turned away from Goku, though, so the boy couldn't see the tiny warning signal.

"Sanzo, when can we eat?" he asked when the blonde didn't say anything. "Sanzo-!"

"Shut up!" Sanzo yelled, turning to glare at the kid. "You just ate a few hours ago!"

"I know, but I'm _hungry_ again, Sanzo!" Goku knew he was whining now and he didn't care. His stomach was awake and angry, and he needed to fill it up.

"We'll have to become rich and famous just to feed the kid," Gojyo said, laughing, and Goku glared at him.

"I'm not a kid!"

"You're right," Gojyo said, a mischievous gleam in his eyes. "You're more like Sanzo's pet monkey."

"You take that back!" Goku yelled, but Gojyo was shaking with laughter. Goku's face was red with embarrassment, his fists clenched tight, but he didn't even _think_ about striking out at the redhead. You didn't hit your friends, even if they were _seriously_ asking for it.

"Hakkai, don't you think he looks like a monkey?" Gojyo said, turning to their dark-haired drummer, but Hakkai was looking past them. Gojyo wiped tears of mirth from his eyes and glanced in the direction Hakkai was staring.

"Well, well," he said, dark excitement in his voice. "Sanzo, you better come take a look at this."

"What now?" Sanzo asked, sounding tired and, to Goku's ears, a bit cranky. Gojyo pulled a hot pink flyer off a telephone pole and handed it to the blonde, smirking for some reason Goku couldn't fathom. Of course, he doubted he'd ever understand _anything_ Gojyo said or did.

Sanzo looked at the paper blankly, thoughts completely unreadable, then crumpled it in one white-knuckled fist and tossed it to the ground. He lit a cigarette and took a long, relaxed drag, face tilted to the sky as he exhaled.

"Let's go," he said, walking away. Gojyo and Hakkai followed after him- Hakkai's face neutral, but Gojyo's lit by a strange little smile.

Goku glanced at the balled up paper, then quickly snatched it up. He couldn't remember learning to read, but he'd spent hours bettering his reading skills in that basement. His keepers had stored tons of junk down there with him, including stacks of dusty old books. He'd gotten a lot of practice. But even with all that practice he'd done, he still had to read the flyer twice before he realized what he was looking at.

His eyes narrowed in curiosity, his face full of questions.

"Goku!" came the sharp summons of Sanzo's voice, and he nearly jumped out of his skin. The flyer fluttered to the ground as the boy let it drop unnoticed from his hand and ran to catch up to his angel.

….

Kou was _happy_.

The gig was going well. The audience was into it and their energy sent adrenaline coursing through his veins. He was dripping with sweat under the hot lights. It ran into his eyes and stung, but that didn't matter to him at all. His band was playing, people were enjoying his music and life could not be sweeter.

He growled out the lyrics as his fingers caressed the noted from his guitar. _This_ was why he played. This was why he _loved_ to play. This was the greatest rush he'd ever felt. He was in tune with the music and the energy around him. It filled him and _ful_filled him, in a way nothing else ever had. All he could ever need was here, right now, in this little club. He didn't need fame or fortune or any of those trappings of success. No, those were for his stepmother. He didn't want it. All he needed was to _play_. It didn't matter how large the audience was. As long as _one person_ enjoyed it, he would continue to make his music.

He was so engrossed in the throbbing music that he didn't notice their presence until he saw Doku stiffen next to him. His friend's face was wooden as he stared out across the crowd to the very back of the room. Kou kept playing, kept singing, even as his eyes searched the darkened room for whatever it was Doku had seen.

It was the glint of light on blond hair that caught his eye. How often had he seen that hair in just this kind of lighting? He would recognize it anywhere, even though the rest of the man was enshrouded in smoky gloom and darkness.

His voice caught on a note and he forced himself to continue on. If they were here, that was only natural. They would want to see what he'd left them for. It made sense.

Still, it seemed like forever until their set was over and he could retreat from the spotlight. It felt like he was running away, and he viciously shoved that thought aside. He wasn't running from _anything_.

"Doku," he said, pulling his friend aside as soon as they were offstage. "Sanzo is here."

"He is?" Doku asked, eyes widening with surprise. "Where?" Doku stretched to look over people's heads, eyes searching for someone he'd never seen before.

"I thought you knew," Kou said. "He's over there in the back." He pointed the way and his friend's eyes followed his finger, but Doku still couldn't see them.

"I'm going over there," Kou said, his face grim. Doku was surprised, but he nodded.

"I'll go with you," he said. They made their way through the crowd, ready for anything. And people took one look at their faces and backed away.

….

"Did you _hear_ that, Sanzo?" Hakkai asked, worried eyes looking to the blonde for leadership. He seemed agitated and that made Goku nervous. Hakkai was a very calm person by nature. For him to be so upset spoke volumes about what was going through the minds of his friends.

"That damn bastard changed the lyrics, but those are _our songs_!" Gojyo growled, cigarette clenched tightly in his teeth. He was furious. Goku could see the anger in every trembling line of the redhead's body.

Sanzo didn't say anything. He just stood there, leaning against the wall and smoking. Long fingers covered the lower half of his face as he thought things over, eyes half-closed. Goku could see something dangerous lurking in the heavy-lidded eyes of his angel- something _angry_. He stayed quiet for once, unable to think of anything to say that could calm his beautiful blond angel and make him smile. Even his stomach had settled down, his entire being concentrated on Sanzo.

He moved to Sanzo's side and stood next to him silently, close but not touching him- not quite. In the dim light, Sanzo seemed pale and washed out, bleached of all life. It chilled Goku's bones, and he shifted uncomfortably.

A question occurred to him but he was hesitant to voice it. He gave himself a swift mental kick for being so cowardly. Sanzo would never respect a coward. So he cleared his throat and asked.

"Is that the guy you told me about, Sanzo? Is that Kougaiji?"

A thin stream of smoke poured through his angel's fingers as he exhaled.

"Yes," Sanzo said, still not looking at anyone. Goku couldn't tell if Sanzo's silence was a good thing or a bad thing. Was he calm and considering or contemplating destruction?

His thoughts were interrupted by a new voice- one that was husky and smooth and prickled on his skin.

"Sanzo," Kou said as he emerged from the crowd with Doku following close behind. He was smiling, but it was more a challenge and a warning than a sign of welcome.

Goku felt a ripple of shock race up his spine as he saw Kougaiji's face up close for the first time. The dim lighting was horrible, but he could still tell that the man's eyes were violet, just like Sanzo's. Yet, looking into those eyes didn't calm him or tempt him to lose himself in their depths, like Sanzo's did. They didn't draw him. Kougaiji's eyes didn't hold the same conviction his angels' possessed either. This man's will was not the tempered steel of Sanzo's. His heart seemed _emptier_ somehow. They were similar, yes, but these two men could not have been more fundamentally different if they'd tried.

Then those exotic, empty eyes focused on him, and he was suddenly acutely aware of how close he was to Sanzo. He could feel his angel's close proximity along every inch of his skin, like a pleasant tingle. Why was this happening? Why was it that, when Kougaiji looked at him like that, all he could think about was _Sanzo_?

Goku's face hardened as he faced Kougaiji down, refusing to let that arrogant look go unanswered. And then, without knowing why he did it, he folded his arms across his chest and leaned sideways slightly so that his shoulder was resting against Sanzo's arm. The blonde didn't move away from him as Goku expected he might. Instead, Goku felt his angel's tension begin to ease a bit. He could _feel_ the arm he rested against relax.

Kougaiji's stare shifted to Sanzo, ignoring Hakkai and Gojyo completely. Sanzo raised his head and met Kou's gaze, face composed and emotionless.

"What are you doing here?" Kou asked angrily.

"Enjoying the show," Sanzo said, dropping his cigarette and crushing it with his booted toe. "Nice songs."

Kou's eyes narrowed and he clenched his fists. Goku stiffened, preparing to intercept any blow meant for his angel.

"I _did_ write them," Kou said. "They're _mine_."

"I suppose so," Sanzo said, voice neutral. His apparent lack of emotion seemed to be making Kougaiji even angrier. Goku tensed, waiting for the strike….

And Gojyo's voice broke the dangerous tension building between them.

"_Jien_?" he exclaimed, face full of wonder as he gazed at the big man who'd arrived with Kougaiji. Gojyo stepped closer to the man, peering intently at his face. "It _is_ you! What are you-?"

The man slapped Gojyo hard across the face, snapping the crimson-haired man's head to the side. Gojyo raised one hand to his cheek and stared in shock at the man who'd just hit him. Goku thought he saw tears glistening in Gojyo's eyes, then Hakkai was there, stepping between the two men.

Hakkai's hard gaze held a murderous anger. To Goku, he seemed like a completely different person now. Gone was the soft-spoken gentleman who usually possessed that face, and in his place was a man who had no mercy or compassion- a man whose eyes held the promise of _pain_.

The big man didn't step backward, but Goku could see him hesitate, unsure whether to fight or flee. It was an instinctive reaction, one that obviously confused the man, whose size had probably always been his greatest strength. But when faced with an opponent more enraged animal than human being, he felt that instinctive urge to flee. Right now, Hakkai was a _predator_, and whoever got in his way was his prey.

"Don't' touch him again," Hakkai said, his voice eerily calm and strangely polite. The big man seemed to gather himself before he spoke again.

"I don't go by that name anymore. My name now is Dokugakuji. Remember that." Doku said this to Gojyo, determinedly ignoring Hakkai, who stood between them. Gojyo was silent for a moment, then removed his hand from his face and glared at the big guy.

"_Fine_. I will." It was all he said, but the words were heavy with meaning. He turned away and Goku could see the effort that cost him plain as day in Gojyo's eyes. Hakkai gave Doku one last, measuring look and went to stand by Gojyo's side.

Having decided nothing seriously wrong was going to happen, Kou turned back to Sanzo, whose posture hadn't changed in the slightest.

"So who's this?" Kou asked, tilting his chin in Goku's direction. He asked the question quite casually, but Goku could practically _taste_ the man's overwhelming curiosity and _need_ to know.

This time Sanzo smiled, the corners of his mouth lifting into an unmistakably satisfied expression.

"Meet Goku," Sanzo said. "He's your replacement."

Kou's eyes widened, his entire face betraying his shock.

"You found a replacement? So soon?"

"Yeah," Gojyo said, lifting his chin and giving Kou his most arrogant, disdainful look. "And he's better than you by a long shot."

Goku was surprised by Gojyo's ringing endorsement. They hadn't even gotten a chance to play together yet, so the redhead had no idea what he was talking about. He was just about to speak up when Sanzo's fingers wrapped around his wrist, staying his tongue. He looked at his angel, confused, but the blonde wasn't looking at him. Instead, his gaze was fixed on Gojyo and Kou.

Goku kept his mouth shut, understanding and obeying his angel's wishes. Honesty always came naturally to him, but Gojyo probably wouldn't want him sticking his nose into things right now.

"I guess we'll have to see about that," Kou said, glaring at Gojyo with unconcealed contempt. "Good luck writing new material in time for the contest."

And with that final parting shot, Kougaiji stalked off. Doku followed close behind.

"Are you okay?" Hakkai asked Gojyo, and the crimson-haired man nodded.

"Yeah. I'm fine. I just got caught off guard, is all. It won't happen again."

Hakkai looked unsatisfied with that answer, but he accepted it with a mute nod of his head. He looked at Sanzo and raised his eyebrow in an unspoken, yet clearly understood question.

"We'll write new songs," Sanzo said, shrugging his shoulders. Hakkai looked unconvinced.

"We'll need a place to practice, and all the money I got for my watch went to buying Goku's guitar and amp."

Gojyo clasped his fingers behind his head and smiled.

"Don't' worry about that, Hakkai. I think I've got a place lined up. And we won't even have to pay for it."

Gojyo winked at Hakkai, who smiled ruefully and held his hands up in surrender.

"Okay, then!" he said. "I guess we actually do have things pretty much under control now."

"Let's get the hell out of this dump," Sanzo said, and Goku's stomach suddenly reminded him he was hungry. The boy gritted his teeth against the hunger pangs and looked at Sanzo pleadingly.

"Can I get something to eat, Sanzo? _Please_?"

The blonde growled to himself, but the kid looked miserable and he found himself giving in once again.

"_Fine_. Let's just get the hell _out_ of here." And they did.


	6. Everything Changes Eventually

Love Song

Chapter Six- Everything Changes Eventually

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Thanks again to GhostHelwig for being the best Beta no money can buy.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kou laid a comforting hand on Doku's shoulder, drawing his attention.

"You've been moping for days," Kou said softly. "Care to tell me what this is about?"

Doku gazed at his friend with glazed eyes. The depth of Doku's obvious pain surprised Kou. He knew a little of his friend's past, but he thought Doku had already dealt with his demons. What had changed?

"You know I killed my mother," Doku said, voice thick with guilt.

"Yes. We've talked about that," Kou replied, relieved his friend was finally talking. If there was one thing he understood about pain, it was that sharing it with someone always put things back in perspective.

"I told you it was self-defense, but really, that's just what the law called it. It was murder. I wasn't _defending_ myself. I was trying to save _my brother_."

"Your… brother?" Kou asked, clearly shocked. Doku had never so much as hinted that he had any family, much less a brother.

"He's my half-brother, actually. We shared the same father. My mother raised us both, but she couldn't stand having him around. He was a painful reminder to her of my father's betrayal. She couldn't punish _him_ since he was dead, so she took all her anger out on my brother. One day, she took it too far and I had to kill her to save his life." Doku took a deep, steadying breath and Kou waited patiently for the rest of the story.

"I'm ashamed to say it, but I began to resent him for making me have to do that. She was my _mother_ and I loved her. I just- I couldn't let her kill him. So after I did my time, I never searched him out. I _knew_ he was in foster care somewhere. I could've found him easily… but I didn't. I didn't want to see him again and face my own guilt.

"I was shocked to see him at the concert. And when he called me by my old name, all those old feelings came rushing back. So I hit him." Doku's eyes shone with unshed tears and his gaze pleaded for understanding.

"Gojyo is your brother?" Kou asked- amazed, shocked, confused.

"Yes," Doku whispered. "I didn't know it was him until I saw his hair while we were onstage. There's no mistaking that color. And then he called me _Jien_-." He paused for a second. "I left that name behind me a long time ago. I don't ever want to be that person again."

"I understand," Kou said softly, squeezing Doku's shoulder. "You have no reason to feel ashamed. You did what you had to do and no one can blame you for that."

"_I_ can… and I _have_, for years. I keep asking myself what I could have done differently. Could I have _saved_ my mother somehow?" Tears flowed freely down Doku's face as he grieved for everything he had lost and the man he could have been.

Kou held him, offering strength, forgiveness, _anything_ his friend could use to deal with his raging emotions.

"It's okay. It's going to be alright," he said, helpless to offer better words of comfort. All he could do was hold Doku with all the warmth his heart had to give.

….

Gojyo leaned back and stretched his legs out in front of him. The chair wasn't very comfortable, but it was still better than being on his feet. He let out a little sigh of relief as he rolled his head and began to work the knots out of his neck.

"Don't get _too_ comfortable," Hakkai said, laughing. "You know Sanzo will have us up and working again in no time."

"Don't remind me," Gojyo groaned. "And how can you be so damn _happy_ right now? You must be _at least_ as exhausted as I am."

If he was, Hakkai certainly didn't look it. In fact, he appeared to have energy to spare. He was sitting on the floor, practicing drum rolls and experimenting with various rhythms.

"You ever gonna get tired of that?" Gojyo asked, watching his friend work.

"_I'm_ not the one who stayed up late last night trying to romance Shunrei. That's why _I'm_ not suffering today." Hakkai smiled teasingly at Gojyo, who grimaced at the good-natured taunt.

"I tell you, Hakkai, the girl's not normal. Her boyfriend's off touring and she's _still_ completely _faithful_!"

"I take it she turned you down. Again." Hakkai's eyes sparkled with amusement. It wasn't often his handsome, charming, slightly over-sexed friend encountered a woman immune to his seductive powers, but Shunrei had proven remarkably resilient. She was kind and generous, but that was as far as it went. Hakkai found it extraordinary that she could resist for so long. Gojyo could be quite charming when he wanted to be, and even Hakkai himself had given in to his friend's lustful advances.

"At least she was nice enough to let us borrow her boyfriend's rehearsal studio while he's out of town. Not to mention she's done our laundry, fed us and even let us sleep here instead of in the van. I'd say she's being very generous with us."

Gojyo sighed and finally relented. He knew when he was beat.

"Yeah, I guess you're right, as usual. I just hate to let a pretty girl like that go to waste, you know?" He grinned. "Then again, she does have a few good-looking friends. Maybe I should suggest we have a party."

"I don't think that's a very good idea," Hakkai said, shaking his head. "You know how Sanzo gets with all the noise."

"Oh yeah. Right," Gojyo snorted. "He's such a spoilsport. I wonder if he'll _ever_ get that big old stick out of his ass."

Hakkai glanced over at Sanzo, who was across the room with Goku. The boy was eating _again_. He sat next to Sanzo, devouring yet another of Shunrei's delicious meals while the blonde just sat and smoked.

"I don't know about that," he said, keeping his voice low. "Sanzo seems… different these days."

Gojyo smiled and lit a cigarette. He took a deep drag off it, letting the smoke back out slowly while he thought about what Hakkai had said.

"Maybe you're right," he said, leaving it at that.

Hakkai put down his drumsticks and cleared his throat. Gojyo looked at him expectantly, but Hakkai couldn't seem to get the words out.

"Something you wanna say, Hakkai?" Gojyo prompted, eyebrows raised.

"Well, there's something I've been meaning to ask you." Hakkai sounded hesitant, unsure if he should speak or not. "I wanted to know- was that your brother at the club the other night?"

Gojyo was silent for a long time, and Hakkai thought he might not even answer. But then the redhead nodded.

"Yeah," he said, "that was him." Gojyo's face was troubled, his eyes full of pain as he remembered the less than warm greeting he'd received.

"If you want to talk, I'm here for you. You know that," Hakkai said quickly. He leaned forward, gazing at his friend with warmth and compassion. Gojyo smiled rather sardonically and shook his head.

"Nah. I'm okay. It takes more than a punch to put me down for the count." He was obviously dismissing his pain, speaking so flippantly Hakkai wanted to shake him. He _knew_ Gojyo had been deeply wounded by his brother's reaction. That Gojyo wouldn't talk to him about it, when they shared everything _else_ about each other, was maddening.

"That's not what I meant!" Hakkai said, angry at Gojyo's blatant disregard for his own feelings. "It must have hurt you! Why won't you _talk to me_ about it?"

Gojyo cut Hakkai off with a sharp look and a quick movement of his hand.

"I'm fine, Hakkai. There's nothing to talk about. Just leave it alone." He looked at his dark-haired friend, knowing Hakkai was just worried about him, and he softened his words with a hesitant smile. The hurt in Hakkai's eyes faded a bit and they shared a sober, meaningful look.

"Man, I could use a drink right now," Gojyo said, his usual leering grin returning. Hakkai's tense posture relaxed and he let out a small chuckle.

"That would be nice," he replied.

"It's settled, then," Gojyo said, grinning broadly. "After practice is over, we'll go find some pretty girls to buy us some drinks."

They both laughed and any broken fences between them were mended.

….

Sanzo ignored whatever fight Hakkai and Gojyo were having. In his experience, it was best to let those two handle problems on their own terms. He really didn't feel the need to involve himself in one of their lover's quarrels.

"This is really good, Sanzo! You want some?" Goku asked, shoving his half-eaten meal under Sanzo's nose. The blonde pushed it away, and Goku just shrugged and continued to eat.

Sanzo was constantly amazed at how much food the kid could consume, but he supposed it was worth the effort to feed him. Already Goku looked more solid and healthy, more like a seventeen-year-old boy and less like a starving animal. Maybe one day he'd even reach the point where he could eat _normal_-sized portions. Gojyo was right about one thing. It took a lot of money to keep Goku fed. He was thankful Shunrei was the one paying for it right now.

"Hey Sanzo?" Goku said, swallowing his last mouthful and setting the bowl down on the floor.

"What is it now?" Sanzo asked.

"Am I doing okay?"

Goku sounded almost fearful, and Sanzo sighed. The kid had this incessant need to please him and was constantly working at it. He followed everywhere Sanzo went, always _just_ behind him. It grated on the blonde's nerves. Every time he turned around, Goku was there, looking at him with those huge golden eyes. The kid was always _looking_ at him. It was exasperating.

"You're doing fine," Sanzo said, fighting down his temper. Still, his voice came out harsh, and Goku's face fell.

"Are you angry with me?" Goku asked, sounding like he was about to cry. Sanzo closed his eyes and prayed for patience.

"I'm not angry with you," he said, and Goku's face lit up with a brilliant smile so radiant it was nearly blinding. The kid took advantage of Sanzo's momentary weakness to take the blonde's arm and drape it across his shoulders, pressing close against Sanzo's side. He held Sanzo's hand where it was, refusing to let him pull away, and the older man's jaw tightened.

"I'm glad you found me, Sanzo," Goku said before the man's rage reached its boiling point. Sanzo looked into Goku's eyes and his anger cooled, slowly fading away completely. He didn't embrace Goku, but he didn't pull away either, and Goku rested his cheek against Sanzo's chest.

"Hey! I can hear your heartbeat!" he exclaimed, pressing his ear more firmly against Sanzo's body. The blonde just watched Goku's face as a look of wonder appeared on it.

For a while now, Sanzo had been aware of a sort of shifting in his heart. Something was happening inside of him, though he couldn't quite put a name to it. It was as if he were being slowly filled with warmth.

He gazed almost tenderly at Goku and rested his hand on the back of the boy's head, his fingers tangling in the thick brown hair. He could feel the heat of Goku's skin through the thin material of his shirt. It burned him, the sensation going straight through to his soul. He felt _changed_… _marked_ somehow by this innocent boy.

He didn't know what was happening. He couldn't even tell if what was a good thing or a bad one, but something was being altered within him- something big. Something life-changing. It was almost _scary_.

Yes, something was different… but _what_?


	7. Shadowboxing

Love Song

Chapter Seven- Shadowboxing

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Extra-special-sugary thanks to GhostHelwig for helping me out with this mega-huge story. I would be lost without you!

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Sanzo stretched and let out a soft sigh.

It felt good to be outside, the night air cool on his face. A light breeze tugged at his shirt and blew his hair into his eyes, but he was peaceful.

It was dark here. The back door of the rehearsal studio opened up onto an alley, and streetlights shone at either end, but here he was enshrouded in darkness. It was perfect.

He'd waited until he was sure the others were asleep before coming out here. He didn't want company, didn't want to talk. He needed some alone time. It was hard to come by these days, especially since Goku insisted on following him everywhere he went. But the monkey was asleep now, dreaming about whatever it was monkeys dreamed about, and he was _free_.

The need to be alone hadn't been so strong until this afternoon, and he knew exactly what was bothering him. It was that damn _kid_.

Sanzo knew he'd been different ever since Goku had come into his life. He could feel changes happening inside of himself- changes that grew more rapid and more drastic with time. He was at a loss for what to do. He wasn't completely _comfortable_ with the changes occurring in himself, but how did he go about stopping them? And what was the point? Change was natural to life, even if he didn't like it.

What bothered him most was not knowing where these changes were going and when they were going to end. What power was this boy exerting over him?

"Sanzo?" came a soft, sleep-slurred voice from behind him. The blonde turned around and his breath caught in his throat at the sight before him.

Goku was standing there, shirt open, exposing his lean, toned chest and abdomen. His hair was tousled from sleep and his eyes were heavy-lidded. In the dim light, all color was washed out, but Sanzo's mind filled in the image with all the colors Goku was made of- gold and brown and finest cream. And Goku was standing there looking at him with those wide, trusting eyes, rubbing sleep out of them with one hand.

The bottom dropped out of Sanzo's stomach as he saw Goku as he truly was for the first time- a young, attractive man, not a boy in need of a keeper. And Goku was looking at him curiously, wondering why he wasn't speaking.

"Sanzo?" Goku said again, a little more awake this time. "Everything okay?"

It was strange, Sanzo thought, how a familiar voice could unexpectedly set your blood on fire. Goku moved closer to him and Sanzo fought the urge to flee. This wasn't good. This wasn't safe. Some strange, fey mood had come over him and Goku was _too close_-

Then Goku put his palm on Sanzo's forehead, looking worriedly up at him, and the driving need to touch the youth standing before him was suddenly too much to bear. Sanzo grabbed Goku's hips, his hands grazing against bare skin as they moved, and he dipped his head to capture Goku's lips in a kiss.

He could feel Goku's surprise, but the boy didn't resist him. He wasn't surprised to discover Goku's lips were as soft as silk, but he willed the boy to part them and allow him entrance. Sanzo pulled back a bit and brushed his lips lightly over Goku's, teasing and tempting the boy to open his mouth. Goku leaned forward into him, unwilling to be parted even the slightest bit. Their lips met again and Sanzo plunged his tongue into Goku's mouth, tasting the boy's sweetness. He kissed Goku hungrily, and the boy responded with equal passion. A fire burned in Sanzo's soul- a need to claim… to _possess_… and to never let go.

Goku's loud moan of pleasure was what broke the spell. Sanzo pulled back roughly, gasping for air, and he pushed Goku away violently. Goku stumbled backwards, confused by this sudden rejection. He took a step towards the blonde, hand outstretched.

"Stay away from me!" Sanzo growled, voice hoarse with mingled shock and pleasure. Goku stopped where he was, but his eyes never left Sanzo's trembling form.

"Sanzo, what is it? What's wrong?" he asked, genuinely confused by his angel's violent reaction.

"_This_!" Sanzo said. "_This_ is wrong! You're just a _kid_! And I'm not some fucking _pervert_! But _you_ probably wouldn't _understand_ that." He almost spat the words and Goku recoiled as if he'd been slapped.

"I'm not a kid and I'm not stupid!" he yelled, tears spilling down his cheeks. "I know what I'm doing!"

He was hurt. Sanzo had never been like this with him before. He'd never been so blatantly cruel. It hurt him so deeply, like his heart was being crushed, and he was completely unprepared to deal with that kind of pain. He felt like he could crumble to bits at any moment.

But Sanzo refused to back down. He was scared, lashing out to protect himself.

"_Get away from me!_" he yelled, his voice harsh. "Just get the hell _away_ from me!"

Goku lifted his chin as if he was going to fight, but then he turned and ran back inside. Sanzo didn't watch him go. He couldn't look. He could barely _breathe_. What had he done? What kind of sick monster had he turned _into_? For all intents and purposes, Goku was still a _child_. He didn't want to be one of those men who preyed on young boys. He _didn't_. He didn't want that to happen to Goku, like it had happened to _him_-

He wrapped his arms around his stomach and doubled over with the pain of tears that could not fall.

….

Kou was exhausted.

It wasn't just the endless practicing he and the band were doing. He was also feeling emotionally wrung out. Ever since he'd seen Sanzo at that club, things had started feeling a little off-kilter for him.

Part of that was Doku's rather violent reaction to being unexpectedly reunited with his brother. He tried very hard to be there for Doku when he needed to talk, but going through those strong emotions with Doku was taxing. He just didn't feel prepared to deal with this kind of situation. But he was determined to see this through. He would _not_ let his friend down. Doku had _always_ been there for _him_.

But that wasn't the only reason he felt so drained. If he was to be honest, he had to admit that seeing Sanzo with that little annoying punk draped on his arm had rattled him quite a bit. He still didn't even want to face those emotions yet. It was hard to admit, even to himself, that he'd been _jealous_ of the kid. That sudden, powerful anger he'd experienced had come as a complete shock to him. He'd spent hours since then analyzing and reanalyzing his feelings, and one thing kept coming back to haunt him.

He had feelings for Sanzo.

Kou had never really thought about his own sexual preferences before, one way or another. He didn't even know if preference was even applicable in this situation. He just found Sanzo… _attractive_. Strange how he'd never realized it until he'd seen _that boy_ clinging to the blonde like that, but it was true. He _cared_ for Sanzo. It hurt to see that boy touching Sanzo in a way he had never been able to.

What was so special about him anyway? He looked like just another stupid kid to Kou- nothing special at all.

But it didn't matter what _he_ saw in the kid, only what _Sanzo_ saw. He couldn't change that and he knew it. He shouldn't even want to try.

And that's what was _really_ draining him, wasn't it? He was fighting against _himself_, fighting the urge to find Sanzo, declare his feelings and claim the blond man for his own. But to win Sanzo, he'd need to give up everything he'd worked for, everything he'd left them to build, and even then it might not be enough. He wasn't sure he could _do_ that.

After all, they already had their new guitarist. What would they need him for except target practice?

Kou collapsed into an overstuffed armchair and closed his eyes. He rested his head against the soft backing and tried to will away the image of Sanzo and that kid in the dim, smoky club. But the vision seemed to be burned on the inside of his eyelids and it wouldn't go away.

"You look exhausted," his stepmother said, and Kou opened his eyes to meet her worried gaze.

"It's been a long day, that's all," Kou said, but she didn't seem to believe him.

"Is there anything I can do for you, darling? Anything at all?"

Kou smiled at her reassuringly. He hated for his stepmother to worry, and he really didn't like being the cause of those worries.

"It's nothing," Kou said, sounding as tired as he felt and completely unconvincing.

"Lirin told me Sanzo and the others found themselves a new guitarist," she said. "Is that what you're worried about? Don't be, because you have more talent than all of them combined. I just _know_ you'll win the contest!" She smiled at him and Kou felt a new strength enter his heart. Her warmth flooded through him and his resolve hardened. He _would_ prove himself the better musician. His family and his true friends believed in him. With their love to give him strength, he would overcome any obstacle, even his own mixed feelings for Sanzo. He would win for _them_ and for _himself_.

"Don't worry," he said, standing and taking her hand in his own. "They're nothing, even _with_ this new guitarist. They don't stand a chance against me."

A small smile graced his lips and his stepmother looked relieved to see him so confident.

"With that confidence," she said, "I have no doubts you'll win."

Kou kissed her hand lovingly and winked, suddenly playful.

"Thank you, mother," he said. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean up."

"Of course. Run along," she said, grinning at him impishly. Kou practically _bounced_ out of the room to go take a shower, and as soon as he was gone, her smile faded. In its place was an expression as cold as ice.

Gyokumen Koushu _hated_ games, and the one she was playing with her stepson never failed to make her irritable. It was difficult pretending to fawn all over that blind little fool.

She picked up the phone and dialed by heart. This was a number she used often.

"Ni? We have a problem and I want it taken care of _now_. I don't care _how_ you do it- just eliminate Sanzo and his flunkies _now_."

She hung up, not waiting for a response. Ni would take care of things for her. He always did.

And if he failed her in this, he would suffer the consequences. This was too important to screw up. They couldn't let Sanzo enter that contest. The risk was too great.

She smiled and laughed, and a colder, more heartless sound had never been heard.


	8. Music In My Heart

Love Song

Chapter Eight- Music In My Heart

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash Warning.

A/N- **ALL** of the lyrics in this chapter were **WRITTEN BY ME** specifically for this story. I've included them for a reason.

Thank you to GhostHelwig for going through this story for me over and over until I got everything right. You have the patience of a saint! Hooray for St. Ghosty!

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Goku stared miserably at the floor. It was his first live gig and he was nervous. He could have used some comfort from his angel, but Sanzo had been distant since that night in the alley. All week Goku had been trying to talk to him about what had happened, and every time Sanzo ignored him or walked away. He'd given up on trying to get any answers out of the man. It would be easier getting a response from a rock.

It hurt, though, like a knife in his heart. Sanzo was his _world_. If he didn't have _him_, what _did_ he have? What was freedom worth to him if he didn't hold any joy in his heart? And right now he couldn't seem to find anything even _resembling_ happiness in himself. There was just a growing coldness where his light, his sun, had once shone.

He'd withdrawn into himself, worrying Hakkai and Gojyo, he knew. They had tried to make him laugh again. Gojyo had even tried drawing him into an argument. But he couldn't respond, no matter how much he might want to. There was no life, no energy, left in him.

So he just sat there and waited for the show to begin, staring at the floor and ignoring everything else. He would play when the time came, because Sanzo needed him to. Nothing else really mattered, not even the gnawing hunger growing in his belly. He wondered, briefly, when he had last eaten, but the answer eluded him and he let the question go. It had been a matter of simple curiosity, not something which concerned him overly much.

"Goku," Hakkai said, smiling kindly. Goku looked up at him, face expressionless. Hakkai held out a meat bun to him. "Eat something," Hakkai said, sounding worried.

Goku took the bun and ate it almost mechanically. None of his usual enthusiasm was evident. He chewed, he swallowed- it was automatic, and Hakkai began to look even more concerned. Goku finished the bun and thanked Hakkai, but his expression never changed and his voice was hollow.

Goku didn't see the look Hakkai threw at Sanzo, who sat in a chair by the door, smoking and ignoring the world. Hakkai looked like he was about to say something when the door opened and it was time to go.

….

Ni wandered into the club and grabbed a seat at a table near the wall. From here he had a good view of the stage, which is all he needed. He ignored the bustle and noise of the crowd around him. They were camouflage, hiding him from his unsuspecting prey.

He was hunting tonight.

Sanzo's group took the stage and excitement raced through his veins. He loved the thrill of the hunt- watching, spying, learning everything he could about his prey before springing his trap.

He'd spent a week tracking down all the information he could on this kid guitarist, and what he'd found had pleased him greatly. He knew all about the boy's lonely past. The pain in the kid's heart would make him much easier to manipulate. And it looked like tonight would be the night. He could already see the pain on the boy's face. He was _so lonely_. It was plain as day in his eyes. He was ripe for the picking, and Ni was not one to waste such a golden opportunity.

The band launched into its first song, the throbbing beat the perfect accompaniment to Ni's calculating, hungry thoughts.

….

_"Missing pieces, scattered dreams that bleed."_

Sanzo's voice rolled over the crowd. Bodies moved to the grinding music, pushing and shoving against each other.

_"Like holes in my soul that I cannot mend."_

The audience's excitement washed over Goku, pouring its energy into his body. Even in his emotionally numbed state, his soul responded. He felt his emotions once again begin to surface.

_"Do I run? Do I run from you?"_

Sanzo's husky voice filled him, and Goku's heart poured its pain into his fingers, into his music.

_"Fallen angels whom light does not reach, like you and like me."_

He had never experienced anything this powerful before. He surrendered himself to it, letting his heart free of all restraints.

_"They are lost down here. Do they run? Do they run from you?"_

Goku moved with the music they were creating. His mind was clear for the first time in days, and a strange sort of peace settled over him.

_"Tear out my heart. I don't need it anymore."_

His eyes sought out Sanzo. His angel was beautiful in the spotlight, his hair catching and reflecting the brilliance surrounding him.

_"Betrayal sits beside you. What do you need me for?"_

His heart yearned to taste his sweet beauty again. He ached to mend the rift between them and hold his angel close.

_"Broken promise, signs you didn't heed."_

But he couldn't fix this, could not even understand it.

_"Like sins we commit washed away in blood."_

A single tear slid down his cheek, unnoticed. He closed his eyes and let Sanzo's voice caress him like Sanzo never would.

_"Do you run? Do you run from her?"_

Without his sun, he would surely whither away.

_"Tear out my heart. I can't use it anymore."_

The club was raging with sound and motion, but inside Goku was still and silent.

Waiting.

_"Betrayal stands behind you. What did you ever need me for?"_

He opened his eyes, eyes that were blind to the violence in the people before him.

He remembered.

_"Have you ever needed me before?"_

His body played the music, but his mind was remembering a hand held out to him… a hand warm and strong.

_"Have you?"_

Sanzo's voice trailed off and the shining memory released Goku's thoughts, leaving him in cold reality once again.

….

Ni waited for the end of their set with rapidly growing impatience. He was anxious to get the show on the road, so to speak.

He had watched the boy very carefully during the performance. The kid's body language had revealed a wealth of information. All it would take was a little up close and personal questioning to confirm his suspicions, and he would know exactly what path to take to reach the boy's deepest fears.

He waited until his prey was separated from the others before he pounced.

"You were excellent," he said, smiling kindly at the boy, who looked up at him in mild surprise.

"Me?" he asked, and Ni nodded.

"Yes, you're quite talented," Ni said, flashing his biggest smile. He was careful to keep his body language non-aggressive and non-threatening. Subtle signals were the best way to get your message across, and he was quite well-educated in the art of quiet manipulation.

"Thanks," the boy said, somewhat morosely. Ni took that as his cue to dig a little deeper. He applied a bit of concern to his face, in complete control of his expression at all times.

"Is something wrong?" he asked. "Is there any way I can help you?"

"It's nothing," the boy said, casting a quick glance in the direction the blonde had disappeared off to after the set was finished. Ni suppressed the urge to giggle at how _obvious_ the boy was being.

"Could it be something happened between you and your friends? Perhaps even concerning your singer?" His smile was comforting and kind, completely opposite from the malicious glee in his heart.

"How did you know?" the boy asked, face openly shocked at the depth of Ni's perceptions. My, but this boy was a fool.

"It happens, you know. Singers are often quite cruel to the band mates. Arrogance comes with the territory, I suppose. After all, _they're_ the ones in the spotlight." He deliberately sounded sad, even regretful, about the whole situation.

He was pleased when the kid felt the need to correct him and tell him the real reason behind his current state of mind. Ni wanted to thank the boy for making this so easy fro him.

"It's not like that," Goku said. "At least, I don't _think_ it is. Sanzo's upset with me, but I don't even know what I did wrong! And he won't _tell_ me!" Tears of frustration and hurt welled up in the boy's eyes. He wiped them away with clenched fists.

"That must be tough," Ni said sympathetically. "Doesn't he trust you?"

"I don't know," the boy told him. "I don't _know_! I don't know what to do to make him _happy_. I want to make him _smile_, but I don't know _how_." The boy was staring at his feet, heartache radiating off of him in waves.

"Perhaps he doesn't want you around anymore? Do you think that might be the case?" He made his voice as kind and non-threatening as possible, knowing he was working very close to the core of the boy's pain now. He could almost smell victory before him.

"I- I don't know. He told me to go away, but then… why did he _bring me_ here? Is he _really_ regretting it now?" The boy was talking more to himself than to Ni now.

"I'd _hate_ to think he's using you for his own selfish gain. That would be just _awful_ of him," Ni said, sounding horrified.

"Selfish gain?" Goku said, repeating the words slowly and looking up at Ni with shimmering, tear-filled golden eyes.

"Well, I'd hate to think he's stomaching your presence just to win some silly contest." As he'd figured, the boy didn't even question how he'd known about the competition coming up. He was too busy being horrified by the thought that his angel was just another cold, selfish person like his former keepers.

Ni tried not to smile as he savored the sweet taste of success.

"Is that all he wants from me?" the boy asked himself, sounding a little angry now. Ni decided to fan the flames a little higher.

"Forget I said anything. I'm sure your friend Sanzo is a very _giving_, very _warm_ person."

The boy's eyes hardened as he considered that.

"Not anymore," he said softly. "Maybe he never _was_." A pain so powerful it wiped all emotion off of the boy's face came swirling to the surface of Goku's heart. Ni saw it happen, and he was pleased.

"I'm an idiot," the boy said harshly, and Ni could practically see his heart breaking into a million tiny pieces.

"You seem like a smart young man to me," Ni said. "I'm sure you know your friend better then _I _do."

The kid didn't respond. His expression didn't even flicker, and Ni knew he'd done his job. The band wouldn't last now, not with the resentment that was brewing in the boy's heart.

"Listen," he said, holding out his business card. "If you ever need to talk, call me. I'll help you if I possibly can. Maybe we can even do some business, if you ever feel like trying something new."

The boy took the card and blinked at it.

"Thanks," he said, and Ni patted his arm comfortingly as he walked away. He grinned, finally able to let his true feelings out, and congratulated himself on ending the kid's career before it ever even started.


	9. Living With Yourself

Love Song

Chapter Nine- Living With Yourself

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Hugs to GhostHelwig for helping me out. If I were you, I'd have shot me by now.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Gojyo propped himself up on his elbow and trailed a lazy finger down Hakkai's bare back.

They'd decided to celebrate their successful return to the stage, both of them chipping in some of the money they'd just earned to pay for a dingy little motel room. It was basically just a little hole in the wall, and it had cost them about all they could afford, but they would worry about that later. It seemed like forever since they'd been alone like this and both of them had needed this time together.

Gojyo smiled down at the man lying next to him. Hakkai lay on his stomach, head resting on his folded arms and his eyes closed. His face was relaxed and peaceful, a faint smile on his lips as he drifted into a light doze. Hakkai always got sleepy after they made love. Gojyo found that rather endearing, and he would sometimes lay there for hours just watching his friend sleep.

He brushed a stray lock of hair off of Hakkai's cheek and pressed a soft kiss onto the smooth skin of his shoulder. Yes, this man was his friend- his _best_ friend. Hakkai was the only person in this world he could and did tell everything to, and he liked to think he was the same thing to Hakkai. There were no secrets between them. There didn't need to be. They accepted each other for who they were- good and bad both.

For instance, Hakkai knew Gojyo had many female lovers. Hell, he even _knew_ most of them. But none of that mattered to their relationship. Hakkai accepted whatever Gojyo was able to give him, and vice versa. Hakkai had never pushed for more than this, though he could have. They both knew Gojyo would not have denied his friend what he wanted. But that wasn't how they worked. What was freely offered was accepted for what it was. Asking for more- _taking_ more- was something they didn't do, and this had served them well for a long time.

But as Gojyo gazed down at his friend, he knew something had changed. Their forced separation for so many weeks had clarified things for him. He'd _missed_ spending this time with Hakkai. He'd missed touching him, holding him, tasting his salty sweetness. Being together again after so long had exposed that need to his heart, and he knew what it meant. He couldn't- he _wouldn't_- lie to himself about this.

Hakkai was different than all his other lovers. He didn't share with those women, didn't talk to them, didn't yearn for them when they were apart. Sex with them was meaningless- just a pleasant way to pass the time and sometimes just a way to survive. Being with Hakkai was more than that, more than just physical pleasure. He felt Hakkai's touch in his bones and every kiss went straight to his soul. What he was feeling was more than friendship. It was a deep, abiding _love_ and it filled him with warmth and strength. It made him feel _bigger_, like he was so full of this feeling that he had to expand to fit it all in. He was bursting with it.

He ran his fingers lightly over Hakkai's smooth back, treasuring the silky feel of his skin, and a new, powerful sense of _rightness_ swelled within his heart. _This_ was where he belonged, with Hakkai in his arms. The others- all those women- didn't matter. Only _Hakkai_ dwelt in his heart.

He wanted to wake Hakkai with tender kisses and feel his lover's desire build with each lingering caress. He wanted to confess his love and see Hakkai's eyes fill with the wonder of discovery. He wanted to claim Hakkai as his own, marking his tender flesh with little nibbles and then soothing him with his tongue. But most of all, he wanted to be _inside_ of him again, their passion building to a fever pitch while he coaxed words of love from Hakkai's lips.

But he wouldn't do that- not right now. He would let his lover sleep while he contemplated breaking the unspoken rules of their relationship and asking- _begging_ if need be- for more. Because he wouldn't be satisfied with this anymore- he _couldn't_ be. His heart wanted this closeness to be _forever_. He needed everything Hakkai had to offer to be _his_. He didn't care if it was selfish or unfair. He was already aware that he was a damn _selfish_ bastard, anyway. But Hakkai _already_ owned _him_, whether he wanted to or not, and Gojyo had to try for the same. No other choice was acceptable to him.

He was in love, for better or for worse.

….

Goku had looked everywhere, but he couldn't find Sanzo. He wanted to see him- to _make_ him sit down and explain himself. He wanted answers. _Why_ had Sanzo kissed him and then pushed him away like that? Why was he treating him so coldly now? Was Sanzo really tired of having him around? Was he keeping him around only because he desperately wanted to win? Was he nothing but a bother to Sanzo? Had he misread Sanzo's intentions so badly?

He was full of questions begging for answers. His heart ached in his chest, threatening to bring tears to his eyes. He needed to see Sanzo again, to see the truth in his eyes. It was the only way he could think of to ease the pain he was in. But he couldn't find his angel anywhere. The city was too big, too full of places to hide. He'd never find Sanzo without having some idea of where he'd slipped off to.

So he made his way back to the van, not really wanting to go back to the rehearsal studio quite yet. Gojyo and Hakkai had gone off together, so he was alone, and he hated being alone. It would be worse if he had to sit in that big empty room all by himself.

He sat on the curb and wrapped his arms around his knees, curling himself up into a tight little ball. He hadn't been this lonely since Sanzo had taken him from that basement cage- had that only been a couple of weeks ago? It seemed like a lifetime. He'd gotten so used to being in Sanzo's presence that it felt strange for him to be gone.

"Aw, did someone have a fight with his keeper?" said a silky, high-pitched voice, and Goku looked up. A man stood a few feet away, staring at him. The malice on the man's face was obvious, his eyes blazing with hatred and his lips drawn up into a tight line. His long hair was loose and fell long past his shoulders, almost to his waist. Goku had never seen this man before, and he wondered what he possibly could have done to earn his hatred.

"Who _are_ you?" he asked, and the man's lips twisted into a cruel smile.

"Let's say I'm someone who knows _exactly_ how you feel. I've been on the receiving end of Sanzo's foul temper a few times myself."

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Goku said, standing and glaring at the man, who just laughed.

"Oh really? Well, it's _obvious_ you and Sanzo are having some trouble getting along. At least, it is to _me_. Would this have something to do with how unpredictable and moody he is? Or is it the cold distance he surrounds himself with? Tell me. Which is it for _you_?"

The man was gloating over Goku's pain. He could see it in those burning eyes. Yet, even thought this man was being very deliberately cruel, there was truth in his words. Sanzo _was_ difficult to get close to, especially when he froze you out like he had done to Goku since their kiss. Goku couldn't deny how painful this was to him, but he _knew_ there was more to Sanzo than this cruelty he was displaying. He _knew_ it. He just had to find it again somehow.

"I don't _care_ about any of that! I _love_ him!" Goku said, clenching his fists and shaking with emotion. "Nothing else matters to me!"

"How absolutely _precious_," the man said coldly, taking a threatening step forward. "But do you _really_ think that Sanzo could ever return those feelings? That man feels for _no one_, not even himself. Do you _really_ think that he could ever love you _back_? How naïve could you possibly _be_? The man was laughing again, laughing at Goku as if he were some foolish child who didn't know any better, and Goku's anger grew within him. He wasn't a child and he wasn't stupid!

He would have struck the man then if Sanzo's voice hadn't stopped him.

"Dougan," he said. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Goku turned, surprised. He'd been so wrapped up in his own emotions he hadn't felt Sanzo's presence as he approached, but he could feel it now, like warm light spilling over him and filling his soul.

Sanzo stopped next to him but kept his narrowed gaze on the man he'd called Dougan. Goku could see a vein throbbing at Sanzo's temple- a sure warning sign if ever there was one. He looked back at the other man, who was smiling and looking at Sanzo with a gaze that set Goku's teeth on edge. There was just something… _creepy_ about it.

"_Sanzo_," Dougan said, approaching the blonde with smooth, liquid grace and a predatory gleam in his eyes. "How nice to finally get to see you again. I'm glad you're back on the scene. It was so _lonely_ without you."

Sanzo's gaze was icy as he stared at the man before him.

"Get the hell out of here," he growled, teeth clenched tightly. Goku could see that Sanzo's patience- what little there was left of it, anyway- was at an end. He considered warning Dougan, who seemed not to have noticed anything was amiss, but decided against it. This guy deserved whatever he got. Goku just hoped it would be painful.

"What's the matter, Sanzo? Aren't you happy to see me?" Dougan reached out to touch Sanzo, but Goku intercepted him. With the speed and reflexes of a cat, he caught the man's wrist, stopping him well short of his intended goal. Dougan tried to pull free, his face a mask of fury, but Goku held him in an iron grip.

"Don't touch him!" he said, squeezing the man's bony wrist. Dougan looked shocked as pain lanced through his arm, and when Goku released him he held his injured wrist to his chest and rubbed it. But he didn't remove his eyes from the boy. He backed up a few steps, not liking the danger he saw lurking in Goku's eyes.

"Leave," Sanzo said again, and this time Dougan listened. With one fearful glance in Goku's direction, he fled… and Goku watched him go with satisfaction. He had protected his angel and it felt good.

"Where are Hakkai and Gojyo?" Sanzo asked, still looking in the direction Dougan had gone.

"They said they were going to celebrate and that they'd be gone all night," Goku said. Sanzo's head snapped around, his eyes meeting Goku's for the first time in days. Goku felt an immediate stirring of heat in his stomach as he looked into those familiar violet eyes.

"They left you _alone_?" Sanzo asked, obviously very surprised, and Goku felt his anger rush back to him.

"I'm not a kid! I don't need a babysitter!"

He immediately regretted the words. Sanzo's face hardened into a mask again and Goku could feel the return of the rift between them. He wanted to beg, to plead with his angel not to leave him like this, but if anything the rift was even deeper than before, and his anger fled before it as the loneliness returned full force.

"_I'm sorry_," he said quickly. "I shouldn't have said that. It's just… I wish you'd stop treating me like a _child_, Sanzo. _I'm nearly eighteen_. In two more weeks I'll be an adult. I wish you could see that!" He looked at Sanzo hopefully, but if there was hope there, he couldn't see it. All he could see were walls as Sanzo shut him out yet again.

His heart ached again, and he dropped his gaze to the ground, unable to bear the sight of Sanzo's walls any longer.

"I'm tired," Sanzo said coolly. "I'm going to bed."

He walked off, not waiting to see if Goku would follow.

Goku's mind told him to run, to leave before he suffered even more pain at this man's hands. But his heart and his body were already in motion, following Sanzo wherever he went.


	10. Strong When I Am Weak

Love Song 

Chapter Ten- Strong When I Am Weak

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Special thanks to GhostHelwig for always looking out for this story's best interests. I would probably have lost my mind and burned it by now if not for your encouragement!

A/N- For anyone who doesn't know who Dougan is… he's not an original character. Check out the movie Saiyuki: Requiem. That's where I got him from.

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Lirin went downstairs with little of her usual bounce and energy. She'd been running a fever since last night and Yaone had confined her to bed for now. Her big brother had backed Yaone up on this one, and Lirin had quickly found herself pumped full of medicine and chicken noodle soup, but now her stomach was rumbling again and only _real_ food would satisfy it.

So she made her way downstairs quietly, trying not to draw attention to herself for the first time she could remember. Today would have to go down in the history books for sure.

She made it to the bottom without incident and was just about to congratulate herself when she heard soft voices coming from the living room. If the house hadn't been so unnaturally quiet- mainly because _she_ was sick- she wouldn't have even noticed.

The two were speaking in hushed voices. Curious, she sidled up to the open doorway and pressed herself against the wall, straining her ears to catch their words. If it was a _secret_, she wanted to know what it was. She _loved_ secrets.

She recognized her mother and Ni speaking. Their voices were unmistakable.

"I have no doubts, my lady. Sanzo seems to be doing a _wonderful_ job of pushing the boy away all on his own, and with my _encouragement_, their fragile little relationship is _doomed_."

Lirin was surprised. Why were they talking about Sanzo? And what was it Ni had _encouraged_? Something told her she didn't really want to know what they were talking about, but she stayed and kept listening anyway. She _had_ to satisfy her curiosity.

"Good," her mother said, and Lirin shivered at the unfamiliar coldness of her mother's voice. Was she angry? She didn't _sound_ angry. She sounded… _cruel_. She'd never heard her mother sound like this before.

"I don't want those boys at the contest. So do whatever you have to, Ni, but make that happen. I can't risk that idiot stepson of mine _losing_- do you understand me?"

"_Perfectly_, my lady. Don't worry your pretty head about _that_. After all, that's what you pay _me_ for."

Lirin was shocked to her core. How could her mother talk about Kou that way? Her voice had been so _condescending_, with no love in it at all. And was her mother deliberately _sabotaging_ the competition? Why would she do that? How could she think that was _okay_?

Questions swirled within her, emotions clashing and warring in her heart until one thing became clear to her. She didn't know her own mother at all.

Lirin crept carefully away from the door, knowing that if she was caught there would be hell to pay.

She climbed back upstairs, heart heavy with feelings she didn't even have names for. She felt as if her entire world had tilted on its axis. Her mother _loved_ Kou. She supported and encouraged him. Had all of that been _an act_… a lie? Her heart suspected it was.

And if that was true, what should she do about it? Should she keep this to herself? She didn't know if she could do that. _Learning_ secrets was all well and good, but keeping them was another matter entirely. No, she couldn't keep this to herself. But then, what should she do? She _wanted_ to tell Kou. After all, _he_ would know what to do. He always did. He would get to the truth of things.

Her mind was made up but her heart ached, and she began to cry.

….

When Gojyo got out of the shower, Hakkai was finally awake. He was lying on his back, the sheet pushed down to his hips, arms stretched up over his head. Gojyo feasted his eyes on that naked flesh and felt the familiar tightening in his gut as his arousal grew. Hakkai was too beautiful- lying there, looking pale and delicate and altogether delicious.

His dark eyes followed Gojyo as he approached the bed, the redhead's only covering a small towel around his waist. Hakkai's lazy smile sent little tingles to Gojyo's stomach. He decided to tease Hakkai a little bit and leisurely removed his towel before climbing on the bed. He moved over Hakkai, slowly making his way up his lover's lean form. He stopped when his face was level with the long scar on Hakkai's stomach. Gojyo leaned down and ran his lips over the raised skin of the scar, his eyes never leaving Hakkai's.

"I remember when you got this," Gojyo said softly, his mood changing suddenly. Hakkai smiled at him tenderly.

"So do I. I would've died if you hadn't found me. You saved my life."

Gojyo remembered that night very well. He'd found Hakkai on a darkened street, bleeding to death from a gaping wound in his stomach. Normally Gojyo wouldn't have bothered getting involved in something like that, but Hakkai had looked at him, he'd _smiled_ with those piercing eyes, and something had changed for the redhead. He reacted before he even realized he'd made the decision to, and Hakkai had lived.

They'd grown close after that, spending the months it had taken Hakkai to recover talking, sharing their stories. Gojyo had told Hakkai about his mother, how she had died at his brother's hands. And Hakkai had told him about Kanan- how he'd been unable to keep her safe in their own home, how some thugs had broken in and raped her, how they'd left her there a broken mess, how she'd been unable to live with herself and so had ended her life… her life and that of her unborn child's- the product of that rape. Hakkai had wept for her while Gojyo cradled him in his arms. Their mutual pain had brought them together, binding them with ties that could never be severed, and this scar was a reminder.

Gojyo pressed his lips to it again in an unspoken promise and looked at Hakkai very seriously. The look in his eyes must have startled his lover, who pushed himself up on his elbows and frowned.

"What's wrong?" Hakkai asked, and Gojyo shook his head.

"There's nothing wrong. I just want to tell you something, only I'm not sure how you're gonna react."

"You can tell me anything, Gojyo. You know that." Hakkai spoke softly, gently encouraging his friend to speak his mind. Gojyo took a deep breath and plunged in, knowing he might drown in these deep waters and deciding the risk was worth it.

"I know we're comfortable with how things are. I know this has worked for us for a long time, but I can't do this with you anymore. I just _can't_." He paused to compose his thoughts.

"What are you saying?" Hakkai asked, his eyes shining with unshed tears and his throat tight with emotion. Gojyo sat up and placed his palm on Hakkai's cheek, soothing his friend's anxious fears.

"All I'm trying to say is that I don't want us to continue on as we always have. I want _more_," Gojyo said tenderly.

"More?" Hakkai whispered, trembling.

"I know it's selfish of me to ask, but I don't care. I want _more_ than sex. I want a relationship. Hell, I want a friggin' _commitment_, and I want it to be with _you_."

Gojyo was nervous as hell but he didn't want to show it, so he pasted his biggest grin on his face and tried to look relaxed. He had no idea if it worked or not. He couldn't judge from any reaction of Hakkai's. His lover was staring at him wide-eyed, cheeks flushed and lips parted. He was rumpled and stunned and, in Gojyo's eyes, completely breathtaking.

Hakkai sat up and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Gojyo's neck and kissing him. Gojyo's hands wandered over his lover's sides and back as they drank each other down, but he refused to be distracted until he had an answer from Hakkai's lips. He pulled away but held Hakkai close.

"Well?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, and Hakkai laughed.

"I'm sorry. I thought you already knew the answer," Hakkai said teasingly. "I guess I'll have to make myself more clear." He leaned in close so that their lips were just a breath apart.

"I want you for my lover," he said softly, the words just a whisper on Gojyo's skin, and that was all he needed to hear.

….

Sanzo couldn't take his eyes off the small patch of skin on Goku's stomach where his shirt had ridden up while he slept.

The monkey was still snoring away, oblivious to the greedy eyes devouring that section of smooth, silky-looking flesh. Sanzo had a tremendous amount of self-control and could deny himself many things but, for some reason he didn't understand, he was finding it difficult resisting this boy. What was it about Goku that made him so weak?

And he hated that weakness. He'd promised himself he would be strong, as his foster father had wanted him to be. Koumyou Sanzo had been the first person to treat him with respect and kindness.

For a pretty young boy in the foster care system, life had been one long series of rejections and abusers- until he wound up on that man's doorstep. He found his first real _home_ there, and as his trust and love for the man grew, he began to think of him as his father- the only father he would ever acknowledge.

The wounded little boy he'd been hadn't known how to cry and would never have admitted he needed help, but somehow his father had seen through his defenses to find his true self. He'd taken Kouryuu's heart in his hands and _healed_ it, making it possible for the boy to feel again- not just pain, but joy and contentment and wonder as well.

Those years he'd spent with Koumyou Sanzo had been the happiest of his life, both before and since. Even now, he cherished those memories, holding them close to his heart.

Even the end of them, when there had been so much pain… when his father had been torn from him by the cold hands of death. He could remember the smell of blood, could still feel it on his skin- his _father's_ blood. He'd watched the only person in the world he loved _die_, had felt how helpless and small he really was, and his heart had darkened. He'd sworn to never be that weak again. He would never allow himself to _need_. In a world full of loss and misery, it was the only way he could protect himself from going through that again. His father had told him to be strong and he would be.

And he had been, until now. He'd lived his life exactly as he intended to and he'd managed to find, if not happiness, at least a measure of peace. But now there was this boy, this _temptation_, before him and his fragile peace had slipped away.

He didn't want to become what he hated. He didn't want to become a predator. He'd known too many of those, seen too much of lust's ugliness. His father had helped to heal his wounds, but now they were bleeding once again. Every lustful glance he stole of Goku's innocent beauty ripped them open a little more. He was damned, and he knew it.

Why couldn't he be stronger? He was _so close_ to giving in to his body's needs. It was a struggle not to simply take Goku in his arms and vent his frustrated desires. It would be so _easy_. Goku would welcome it. He wouldn't know any better.

But he couldn't do that. He remembered too well how _he'd_ felt, being used by someone he should've been able to trust. He remembered the greedy, grasping hands, the fear, the tongue in his mouth, the humiliation- the _pain_. His father had healed him, but those scars would never fade. They were blemishes on his soul- unforgettable and unforgivable. He didn't want to become that for this boy. Goku's _body_ was mature but his mind and emotions were _too young_. He was a _child_ still, as enticing as his wrappings seemed. Everything in Sanzo was revolted by his wicked thoughts.

He shifted in place and lit a cigarette in a futile attempt to relieve his growing tension. He wouldn't allow himself to touch Goku, even if he couldn't control his body's other responses.

He wished the room were dark so he wouldn't be able to see the object of his sinful desires, but Goku had wanted the light on last night. Sanzo knew the boy had been feeling lonely since that night in the alley. He knew that the distance he'd deliberately put between them was hurting Goku deeply, but he was helpless to make things better for the boy. Basically, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He could hurt Goku by pushing his away or he could hurt him by holding him too close. He chose to hurt Goku in the only way acceptable to him- the only way he could live with.

He'd tried so hard to be a man his father could be proud of- strong, independent, free. He'd changed his name to Genjyo Sanzo as soon as he was old enough to, both to honor his father and as a reminder of where he'd come from. He thought he'd done a fair job until now, until this happened. He was determined to rise above this weakness in his soul. He would do so even if it destroyed him. At least then he could die _proud_ of himself. And it _did_ feel like this was killing him, like he was being torn in two right down the middle, and not just by his damnable lust but by his desire to erase the pain from Goku's heart.

Every time the kid looked at him, his eyes were full of pain. He walked, he played, he lived- but he wasn't really _alive_ anymore. He was a ghost of his former, vibrant self and it hurt Sanzo to see him that way. The boy barely even _ate_ anymore, and Sanzo had to constantly restrain himself from forcing food down the idiot's throat. He couldn't let himself care. To do so would be to risk destroying everything he was.

So he feigned disinterest and watched as the boy's light faded slowly away. He silently willed Gojyo or Hakkai to _see_ what was happening, to step in and find a way to _help_ Goku recover whatever it was he'd lost, but they either couldn't see the depth of Goku's despair or were unable to think of a way to aid him.

Sanzo had been shocked and a little angry with them for leaving Goku to suffer alone while they went off together. Couldn't they see how desperate the boy was for companionship? Were they blind to his loneliness? Was he the only person in the world who could see that Goku was going through? Was he the only one who _cared_?

He cursed himself silently as he sat there and waited for Goku to wake up. He wouldn't leave yet. Goku would be upset if he woke up alone, and he would spare the boy that pain if he could. It was the _least_ he could do, but it was _something_.

Goku shifted in his sleep, throwing one arm out towards Sanzo, palm open as if he were reaching for the blonde even in his sleep. Sanzo stared at the hand laying so close to him, amazed at the boy's utter vulnerability. That hand had slipped so trustingly into his own when he'd taken Goku from that basement. It had seemed so small then… when had that changed?

He reached out one tentative hand and traced his finger along Goku's palm, the warmth of Goku's skin tantalizing his senses. He found himself leaning forward, an uncomfortable tightening in his jeans, and he snatched his hand back quickly. He backed away from Goku, whispering curses at himself for nearly giving in to his urges, and sat stiffly against the far wall. He dragged a lungful of smoke into his chest and exhaled slowly, trying to calm his racing heartbeat.

He was insane for staying. He should leave now while he still could- leave and never come back. But he knew he wouldn't. This amazing, trusting, innocent and sinfully tempting young boy was his captor. He was trapped as surely as Goku had been and no one was coming to save him.

He tipped his head back, resting it against the cool wall, and stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore his uncomfortable arousal.

"Be strong," he muttered to himself. "Yeah, right."

Strong was definitely _not_ what he was at this point. He was cold, he was _hard_, but he wasn't _strong_.

Shoulders slumped, he covered his face with his hands and prayed.


	11. The Sickest Joke

Love Song 

Chapter Eleven- The Sickest Joke

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Hugs to GhostHelwig for saving me over and over in regards to this story. You've changed my light bulb a thousand times. Thanks for the ideas.

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When Shunrei found out it was Goku's birthday, she insisted they celebrate. Goku had seemed more confused about the idea of a birthday party than anything else, but he didn't object. He actually hoped a party might lift his mood a bit.

He'd been in a funk for the past couple of weeks. It wasn't nearly as bad a depression as it had been before that first gig, but it was still quite powerful. He still didn't have much enthusiasm for life and preferred to just sit and quietly _exist_ while life went on around him. He didn't like being _alone_, but talking had become difficult for him. He just didn't have much to say.

He hadn't spoken to Sanzo since that night. There was an invisible but solid wall between them that he had no idea how to get around. And Sanzo didn't seem very eager to talk to him either. Goku knew Sanzo was avoiding him, and he was at a loss to think of a way to change that.

Instead he let things go as they were, just hoping he would one day find a way to reach his angel's elusive heart once again.

Shunrei had invited all her friends to Goku's birthday party, which they were holding in the rehearsal space she'd let them borrow, and so the place was packed. Most of the guests were women, which pleased Gojyo greatly, though he wasn't chasing after them as seriously as he could have. Gojyo and Hakkai were openly together now and seemed rather happy about it, so while Gojyo still _flirted_ with the pretty girls who surrounded them, he didn't make any serious moves on them. Hakkai seemed pretty pleased with Gojyo's behavior, so Goku supposed they knew what they were doing.

As for him, he kept glancing at Sanzo, who had attracted his own pack of gushing admirers even though his trademark scowl was even more dangerous than usual. Goku watched the girls fawn over his angel as if he were some sort of celebrity. He couldn't blame them. Sanzo was very handsome. Even in a foul mood, his looks could never be considered ugly. Still, Goku would have been jealous of them- _if_ Sanzo had shown even the slightest interest in their attentions. But his angel looked barely _tolerant_, mush less _welcoming_, of their advances… and that was fine by him.

Not that he didn't have his own female admirers. Women outnumbered men in this room by about three to one, so there were plenty of girls to go around, and quite a few of them seemed to think he was cute. At least, that was what they kept saying as they chattered away at him, their faces all smiles and their body language screaming for his attention.

He looked at those girls and wished he were attracted to them. His life would be so much easier if he could just forget his attraction, his _feelings_, for Sanzo and move on to someone who was _willing_ to have a relationship with him. But he couldn't force his heart to look in another direction. None of these girls _moved him_ like Sanzo did. When he looked into their eyes, there wasn't that sense of _belonging_ that he had when he gazed at his angel's face. In that entire room full of people, only one person dazzled his eyes with a light as golden and bright as the sun, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

He didn't want to put a damper on anyone's spirits, though. Everyone except Sanzo seemed to be having a good time, and he _was_ the guest of honor. So he put on a smile and listened to the girls talk, nodding his head every once in a while. He ate a little to set Hakkai's mind at ease. The man seemed to insist on mothering him. Goku didn't really mind. It just meant Hakkai cared about him enough to worry, and that was something he'd never had before. So he ate what he would and tried to enjoy it.

He was genuinely surprised, though, when he discovered that he actually had _gifts_. He'd never received a present before, but Shunrei and her friends had brought some small gifts to the party. As he opened them, he marveled at how different his life had already become. Here he was, surrounded by kind, generous people, accepted and welcomed in a life he'd never dreamed he'd ever get to experience. He knew it was foolish, but he couldn't help it when he started to cry- great big tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. It was the first sign of true happiness he'd shown in far too long, and he smiled with genuine warmth at the people around him, thanking them with his words and with his heart's gladness in his eyes.

He realized then how truly selfish he was being. There was so much in his life now to be _thankful_ for- friends, a home… _freedom_. Sanzo had made all of those things possible for him. Sanzo had given him a life rich with possibility. It was selfish to have so much and still want more. He knew he should be satisfied with what he already had instead of yearning for what he couldn't get, but his heart wouldn't listen to reason. He knew he probably didn't deserve it, but he wanted it all- the friends, the career _and_ the love of his life. It didn't matter to his heart if it was a selfish desire or not. What he wanted was a dream come true.

His thoughts couldn't distract him from the simple joy of opening presents from his _friends_, though. He opened Gojyo's gift first and grinned as he saw what was inside.

"Now you don't have to keep _telling_ people," Gojyo said, laughing, as Goku showed the shirt to Hakkai.

"_I'm with the band_. Well, it is going to be useful, I suppose," he said, the corners of his eyes crinkling with his laughter.

"I love it. Thanks, Gojyo," Goku said, blushing for some reason he couldn't really identify. Gojyo put his arm around Goku's shoulders and squeezed affectionately.

"You're one of _us_ now, monkey. Remember that."

Goku could only nod in response, and Gojyo ruffled his hair before returning to Hakkai's side. Goku wasted no time unwrapping his gift from Hakkai. He'd discovered he truly enjoyed getting presents and he was anxious to see what the ever-thoughtful Hakkai had decided to get him.

He was confused by what he found inside the box, though. He'd never seen anything like it before.

"Um, what _is_ this?" he asked, holding the cylinder up in his palm.

"It's called a kaleidoscope," Hakkai told him. "Look through that end there and hold it up to the light. You'll see."

Goku did as he was told, and he gasped at the beauty captured inside the palm-sized cylinder.

"It moves!" he exclaimed, turning it in his hand and watching in awed fascination as the colors and patters shifted before his eyes. He wrapped Hakkai in a tight embrace as he thanked him for the gift. Hakkai smiled at him gently as he hugged him back.

Then it was time to open his last gift- the one from Sanzo. It was wrapped in a thin, flat box small enough to fit in one hand. Goku almost didn't want to open it. He was afraid to see what Sanzo had gotten him. They hadn't been getting along and Sanzo seemed to want nothing more to do with him.

But his curiosity won out, as usual, and he _tore_ into it. He opened the box and pulled out his gift- and his mouth dropped open in surprise. Sanzo had gotten him a necklace with a pendant of _crystal_. He held it up to examine it closer, and the facets at the crystal's point caught the light, sending tiny rainbows over his skin. They moved with every shift of the crystal as it hung on its chain, and his eyes were dazzled by the brilliant display.

Sanzo had known _exactly_ what he'd like. He wasn't surprised about that, but he _was_ surprised that the man who wanted nothing to do with him would think to get him something so wonderful.

A new hope surged within Goku's heart. Sanzo didn't hate him. Sanzo _must_ care. This was the gift of someone who _did_ have warm feelings for him, not someone who could barely tolerate his presence.

Somehow, just seeing this crystal and knowing that Sanzo _knew_ how captivated he was by light made everything better for him. Suddenly he knew… just _knew_… that his angel still needed him. He could _see_ the feelings that had gone into the choosing of this particular gift, and his somewhat flagging faith in Sanzo was restored.

He looked for his angel, searching the faces around him for the one person he wanted to see, but Sanzo wasn't there.

"Where'd Sanzo go?" he asked softly, and Gojyo shrugged.

"Who knows? He hates parties. Maybe he left," Gojyo said nonchalantly. Goku's eyes widened and he was filled with sudden panic.

"_What_?" he said, and ran off towards the door.

Hakkai watched Goku go, then turned and gave Gojyo a withering look.

"That was cruel," he said, and Gojyo shrugged again. "You know Sanzo wouldn't just leave in the middle of Goku's party. He probably went outside for a cigarette and some fresh air."

"Yeah. _I_ know that, but the monkey doesn't. I'm tired of watching those two tiptoe around each other. It's time they settled some things."

Hakkai was silent for a moment, then burst out laughing.

"You're too much. You really are," he said, and Gojyo put one arm around his shoulders and winked.

"That's what you love about me."

….

Goku raced outside, but Sanzo wasn't in the alley. His heart was pounding in his chest and he fought down the panic that was threatening to overwhelm him, knowing he was overreacting. It wasn't like Sanzo wouldn't return- but he so desperately wanted to see him, wanted to thank him, wanted to let him know he wasn't giving up. He'd been in the dark too long. He wanted to bathe in Sanzo's light.

He didn't know which direction to take, so he chose one at random and ran to the end of the alley. Here there were streetlights and the occasional car passing by. He looked around wildly, almost missing the silent figure standing against the wall to his left, but the soft glint of light on golden hair caught his eye at the last second and he breathed a huge sigh of relief.

"_Sanzo_," he said, the tension flooding out of him. His angel looked at him coldly and flicked the remainder of his cigarette into the street.

"What the hell do you want now?" he asked Goku, who just stood there staring at him.

Goku couldn't help it. Light and shadow played over Sanzo's features as the streetlights fought back the night, sharpening the harsh angles of his face. Yet, he still seemed _brighter_ than the light elsewhere, as if by touching him the light was intensified. He looked both dangerous and unashamedly beautiful, and Goku's breath caught in his throat as he took in Sanzo's wicked sensuality.

"Well?" Sanzo asked again, catching Goku's attention.

"Uh, I was looking for you," Goku said, trying to sound casual and failing miserably.

"I thought I told you to stay the hell away from me," Sanzo said, glaring at Goku.

"I know, but I wanted to- to _thank_ you for the gift." He held up the necklace, still clutched tightly in his fingers, and the crystal flashed in the light.

"You've thanked me. Now get the hell out of here," Sanzo said, looking away. Pain swelled in Goku's heart at his angels' cruel dismissal, sending tears spilling down his cheeks. He was moving before he knew it, flinging himself at Sanzo and wrapping his arms around the man. He pressed himself tightly to Sanzo's chest, his wet cheek meeting the warm silk of the skin exposed by Sanzo's shirt. He held his angel with all the strength he possessed, needing the closeness.

"Please, Sanzo. _Please_," he pleaded, eyes squeezed tightly shut. "I'm so _cold_. It's so cold without you. _Please_… don't leave me again."

He kept his eyes closed, too afraid to open them and see his angel reject him again. He was shaking, tears falling unchecked down his face. If it was weak, if it was wrong, it\f it was _selfish_- he didn't care. He had to let the pain out.

He clutched at his angel's warmth and let the tears flow.

….

Sanzo gazed down at the boy clinging to him so desperately, his heart unable to maintain its defenses against the onslaught of Goku's tears. He could feel Goku trembling against him, and his skin was wet from Goku's tears.

He hesitated for only a moment before he settled one hand against Goku's back and let the other tangle in Goku's hair. He held the boy to him and rested his chin on top of Goku's head, unable to help himself. He had caused this boy so much pain in his efforts to spare him. It was like a sick joke. He hadn't wanted any of this to happen. He'd done his best to do what was _right_. But if this was right, why were they both hurting so damn much?

Goku twisted in his grip and looked up into his face. Sanzo returned his gaze, his eyes lacking their usual cold distance. He looked down at Goku in a silent apology, and the boy seemed to see something in his face that stopped his tears.

Sanzo gazed into Goku's golden eyes, mesmerized. He was unaware of Goku's face getting closer and closer… until their lips touched. Goku brushed a feather-light kiss over his lips, then another and another, and Sanzo felt his resolve crumble to dust. His hands grasped Goku tightly, pulling him closer as he dipped his head and plunged his tongue into Goku's mouth. He gave up, gave in to his growing need, and Goku responded hungrily. Heat flooded Sanzo's body and pooled in his stomach. Goku filled his senses and he was lost in sensation, drowning in desire.

It was Goku who saved him from himself. _He_ was unable to stop, but Goku pulled away, and it took one long, dazed moment for him to realize what was going on.

Goku was looking off to the side, staring at a man walking towards them out of the darkness. He slowly realized what it was that had caught Goku's attention. The man was _clapping_.

"How the mighty have fallen. It looks like I'm not the only one with a taste for young boys," said the man, and Sanzo's eyes widened in shock. This couldn't be happening. This man couldn't _be_ here. He thought maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was mistaken, but that _voice_….

Then the man moved into the light and his worst fears were confirmed. His entire body tensed up and a snarl appeared on his face.

"_Shuuei_," he growled, and the man laughed coldly.

"Long time no see, _Kouryuu_."

….

Lirin had put this off for far too long. She just… didn't know how to say such difficult words to her brother. How was she supposed to tell him that her mother was _using_ him… that she had spoken of Kou like he was lower than dirt? How was she supposed to break her beloved brother's heart?

But she couldn't wait any longer. He deserved to know. And maybe he would be able to explain it away, make her see that she was wrong- that her mother couldn't possibly be that cruel. Except, she really didn't think she was wrong about this. Her mother's voice had been too calculating, too cold. Lirin's heart told her she was _right_, as unpleasant as that may be, and her brother needed to know.

He was sitting on his bed, fingers picking out a sad, slow tune on his guitar. Lirin stood hesitantly in the doorway, torn between knocking and running away yet again. Then Kou looked up at her and smiled, and she was frozen in place.

"What's wrong, Lirin?" he asked, brow furrowed in concern. He set his guitar aside and went to her, and Lirin smiled nervously up at him. She glanced around quickly, making sure no one was around to hear what she was going to say, and walked into his room. She closed the door behind her and turned to face her brother, her face unnaturally serious. He looked worried, but Lirin could also see his patience was wearing thin. She either had to tell him _now_ or forget about it completely. Kou would only put up with so much of her antics.

"I've been wanting to tell you this for awhile, big brother, but I haven't been able to. I think you need to know, though."

"What _is_ it, Lirin? Why are you acting so strangely? Did something happen?" Kou grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to face him and spill her secret. She swallowed hard as she looked into his beautiful violet eyes, knowing she was about to put a great deal of pain into them. But her brother was strong. He was fearless. He would know what to do about this. He would make everything okay again. She trusted him.

"I heard mother talking to Ni one day. You remember when I was sick?"

Kou nodded, silently urging her to continue.

"Well, I overheard them talking and…" Her voice trailed off and she looked away, unable at that last moment to say the words. Kou caught her chin with his finger and brought her face back around.

"Lirin, what did you hear that's bothering you so much? _Tell me_."

She looked at him again and sighed in defeat. Her lips curled up into a pout, but there was nothing childish about it. She was genuinely disturbed and hated having to say this to him.

"Mother was talking about Sanzo and how Ni was 'dealing' with him. Ni did something- something _bad_. And then she talked about _you_, and…" She swallowed against the lump in her throat and continued. "She was so _mean_ sounding, Kou. She wasn't like herself _at all_. She sounded like she _hated_ you. She was so _mean_." She didn't know what else to say. She had no more words to use to describe what her mother had sounded like.

Kou's eyes were wide. He looked surprised- shocked even. But he shook his head in disbelief and dropped his hands from her shoulders, his face filled with a stubborn refusal to accept her words.

"You know better than to eavesdrop, Lirin. It's no wonder you come up with such crazy ideas when what you're hearing is taken out of context." He looked disappointed in her, and Lirin was heartbroken. In all the time she spent imagining how this conversation would go, she never thought he would be so downright dismissive of her worries. Her eyes stung with tears and she blinked them away.

"You don't understand, big brother!" she said, still determined to convince him. "She was so _different_! If you'd only heard her… you'd _see_!" She was pulled up short by the cold look Kou gave her. It was so _unlike_ him, and she took an involuntary step backwards as his glare fixed on her.

"_Stop it_, Lirin! Mother wouldn't do that. I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense from you."

"But!"

"_No_!" Kou yelled, fists clenched, and Lirin jumped. For the first time in her life, she felt fear of her brother. He was trembling with rage, his eyes glittering dangerously, and tears slid down her cheeks. She couldn't stay there any longer, so she threw the door open and ran back to her room, leaving her brother behind to deal with his rampaging emotions.

Kou pressed his fists to his face and sank back down onto his bed, looking lost and confused. He didn't even notice when he began to cry.

….

Sanzo looked into the face of his tormentor and felt the world tilt crazily on its axis. He was only vaguely aware of Goku, who was still wrapped tightly in his arms. Memories were hammering at him- memories of pain, humiliation… violation.

The man standing before him was barely recognizable. The years had changed him. No longer was his face handsome or kind. Now he looked every bit the monster he was. The only thing that remained the same was his _eyes…_ so filled with hunger. He would recognize those eyes anywhere. They had haunted his dreams for years. Even now they looked exactly as he remembered- filled with a dark excitement as they watched him.

And that _voice…_ he would never forget that voice. He had wanted to trust that voice once and he had paid for that. Yes, he'd paid his pound of flesh, and that voice still sent chills down his spine. He could feel the child in his heart recoil in terror from the sudden reappearance of his monster, and it infuriated him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he said, snarling the words. His demon smiled at him- the same deceitful smile he'd used when welcoming his new foster child Kouryuu into his home. It rekindled the hatred in Sanzo's heart, and he was unaware of his fingers as they curled into tight fists against Goku's back.

"I've found you at last. I've searched for so long and now I finally have the chance to see you again. How fitting I should find you in such a compromising… _position_." Shuuei's eyes were grim though his mouth was laughing.

"Shuuei…."

"_No_," the man said, cutting Sanzo off abruptly. "I'm not Shuuei anymore. That life is _over_. You saw to that, didn't you? You and that _man_." Shuuei's smile disappeared, replaced by a look of hatred so deep it chilled Sanzo to the bone.

"No, my name is Rikudo now. Shuuei died in that _prison_ you sent him to- you and your _beloved_ Koumyou Sanzo."

Shuuei… _Rikudo…_ looked at Sanzo coldly, his eyes burning with icy hatred and a chilling fury.

"Did you think I would _forget_? Did you think I would _let it go_? Do you even _understand_ how _terrible_ life is in prison for men accused of _child molestation_?"

Rikudo was moving now, grabbing Sanzo by the shirt before they could stop him. He yanked Sanzo forward and Goku was suddenly free from his angels' restraining grasp. Sanzo stumbled forward, his brain moving too slowly to help him stop, and Rikudo punched him. The blow was stunningly hard, and it was all Sanzo could do to keep his feet. Rikudo raised his fist again but then Goku was there, between them, and the blow never landed.

Sanzo watched in horror as Goku caught the man's blow on his own chin and then struck back. The boy's fist caught Rikudo in the gut and the man doubled over, breathless and pained.

And then the unthinkable happened, as Rikudo pulled out a gun and aimed it directly at Goku's startled face.

Sanzo's body reacted even as his mind absorbed what it was seeing. His eyes were fixed on Rikudo's snarling, crazed face as he shoved Goku out of the way with his own body. The boy fell sideways, knees giving out against Sanzo's weight, and in that instant Rikudo fired.

The sound of the shot barely reached Sanzo's ears. All he was aware of was a searing pain in his gut as he reached for the gun. He saw the victory in Rikudo's eyes and then his fingers closed around the gun.

It came away surprisingly easily, and Sanzo watched in slow motion as his own hand came up and pointed the gun into Rikudo's smiling face. He was squeezing the trigger before he even knew what he was doing, and he watched in detached fascination as his demon's life winked out.

Then there were only Goku's screams somewhere in the distance as a numbing cold overcame him and everything went black.


	12. Setting the Record Straight

Love Song 

Chapter Twelve- Setting the Record Straight

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Thank you GhostHelwig! ---Falls down at Ghost's feet--- I love you!

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Pain was the first thing to welcome him back to consciousness. He drew in a sharp breath as he adjusted to it, fighting it back with a will of steel.

Sanzo opened his eyes and blinked, trying to bring his blurred vision back into focus. Gradually the pain-induced haze parted and he was able to see at last.

He was lying in a hospital bed and, as his mind began to clear, memories swam up out of the depths. He remembered the gun, the sudden agony as he was shot, Goku's screams, Shuuei's face as he died….

_Goku_. Sudden panic filled him and he tried to sit up. The pain stopped him and he fell back against his pillow. He groaned and bit his lip until the pain subsided some, but he _had_ to find out if Goku was okay. It was all he could think about. He couldn't remember what had become of the boy. If Goku was hurt, he would never forgive himself.

Hakkai entered the room and his eyes widened as he saw Sanzo awake and struggling to sit up. He rushed to the blonde's side and gently but firmly forced him to lie back down.

"Sanzo, stop it! What are you trying to do? You're not ready to get up yet!" Hakkai said, scolding him. Sanzo glared at him but was forced to give up the struggle for the moment. His stomach was throbbing with pain and he was too weak to fight off Hakkai's restraining hands.

"You need your rest," Hakkai said. "The police will want to take your statement later and you'll need to be well enough to speak to them. Goku already told them what _he_ knew." Hakkai paused, his face troubled. "They know it was self-defense. That much was obvious." The depth of relief on Hakkai's face betrayed how concerned he'd been. He looked almost haggard, as if he hadn't slept at all. Sanzo guessed that was probably the case.

"Well, Goku will be thrilled to see you're awake. He's been pretty worried about you. We all have," Hakkai said when Sanzo remained quiet. Hakkai smiled at his friend and fiddled with the blanket wrapped tightly around Sanzo's body. He was obviously still troubled about something.

"What is it?" Sanzo asked, wincing at how weak his voice sounded. Hakkai stared at his hands as he asked the question that had been plaguing him since they'd found out what happened.

"Was that the man who hurt you?" he asked, sounding nervous. Sanzo turned his face to the window, away from Hakkai, and his voice was soft when he answered.

"Yes," he replied, not wanting to say anything more. Hakkai seemed to get the hint and didn't push for more information.

Sanzo's ears caught the faint sound of Gojyo's voice approaching. He couldn't hear what the redhead was saying, but it didn't matter. If Gojyo was coming, Goku would be with him. He turned his head as they came into the room and his eyes sought out Goku immediately.

The boy looked pretty bad. Dark circles had appeared under his eyes and he was unnaturally pale. But he was alive and unhurt, and Sanzo's heart could finally rest easy. Tension he hadn't realized he'd had flowed out of his body and he almost smiled.

"About time you woke up," Gojyo said, smiling lopsidedly, and Sanzo glared at him. "You just _had_ to go and get yourself shot, didn't you?"

"Fuck off," Sanzo said, filling his voice with as much of his usual attitude as he could muster under the present circumstances. It wasn't nearly enough to suit him, but it would have to do for now until he had more of his strength back.

Goku was looking at him wide-eyed, and huge tears slid down his face as he approached the bed. Hakkai grabbed Gojyo's arm and led him from the room to give the two some privacy.

"_Sanzo_," Goku whispered, wiping his face. Sanzo looked at the boy, who seemed almost _broken_ as he stood there weeping.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, his voice almost tender.

"I'm so happy you're okay," Goku said, voice choked. "There was so much _blood_. I thought you were going to _die_!" Fresh tears flowed down his face and Sanzo reached up with one weak hand to wipe them away.

"I'm not going to die, idiot, so you can stop crying."

Goku nodded and took a few moments to compose himself. He wiped his face and smiled weakly as he sniffled, and Sanzo was reminded once again of how truly young Goku was in so many ways.

Goku grabbed his hand and placed a kiss against his palm, and Sanzo allowed it even as he told himself he shouldn't. He wouldn't be the cause of any more tears… not today.

"You saved my life, Sanzo… _again_," Goku said, his face sober and serious. Sanzo watched him closely, sensing something new in the youth who stood before him.

"I _have_ been acting like a child. I can see that now," he said, looking down. He laid Sanzo's hand gently down on the mattress and met the blonde's gaze again. "I've been moping around, wishing you would come to me, not even _trying_ to understand where you were coming from. And all this time I thought you didn't care about me at all."

Goku took a deep breath before continuing, and Sanzo remained quiet, silently absorbing his words.

"It was stupid and I'm sorry for ever doubting you. I know you care. I knew it when I saw what you'd gotten me for my birthday, and then… when you _saved_ me…."

There was none of the child Sanzo knew in Goku's voice now and he surprised himself when he realized that he _missed_ it. The person saying these things wasn't the boy he'd freed, but a stranger who wore his face, and Sanzo found himself wishing the boy he knew would return.

"I'm going to change things around, Sanzo. I'm going to become someone you can _respect…_ because I _love_ you and, if I want to be with you, I know I have to grow up. And I will. You'll see. I'm not giving up on you yet." Determination was written all over Goku's face, and Sanzo found himself wanting to tell the boy _not_ to change… that he was perfect the way he was.

And suddenly he was forced to reevaluate his own feelings. If Goku matured and lost that childlike quality he possessed, he would be free to act on the desires that he was constantly suppressing, wouldn't he? Wasn't that what he'd wanted all along? But his heart knew it wasn't. He _treasured_ Goku's innocence, having lost his own so long ago. He didn't want Goku to change. His feelings- and they _were_ feelings, not just desires- were for the Goku he _knew_, not the stranger he was promising to become.

And was the Goku he knew really a child? This serious boy standing here, telling him these things, was a _part_ of him, not the stranger- not yet. He was still _his_ Goku. Had he been so wrong in his estimation of Goku's maturity? Had he confused innocence and discovery with immaturity?

It seemed he had. The boy standing there looking at him was no fool. He'd thought through the problem and apparently had given it serious consideration. This wasn't a child, but a young man lacking experience.

Sanzo considered this discovery for a moment, and a flame of hope began to grow in his heart. Perhaps coming face to face with the demon that haunted his dreams had helped to show him how different he really was from the monster who'd attacked him. Maybe being confronted with the very real possibility of losing the boy he treasured to his own fear and blindness was what motivated him. Maybe it was having come so close to death that made him so willing to embrace what life had offered him. He didn't know. He didn't bother analyzing it very clearly. He was tired of thinking things through.

He simply reached up and brushed his thumb lightly over Goku's silky lips, watching as the boy's eyes widened in surprise.

"Don't do that," Sanzo said, his voice a hoarse whisper. "Don't change for _me_. That's not what I want."

"You don't?" Goku asked, confused by Sanzo's rather sudden change. The expression on his face made him look young all over again, and it warmed Sanzo's heart to see it. He stifled a smile.

"What else can I do, Sanzo? Just _tell_ me."

Sanzo pulled his hand back away from Goku's face and covered his eyes.

"It's not _you_," he admitted, and then he looked at Goku again. "Sit down," he said, and the boy did so quickly. Sanzo used those few seconds to ready himself. He hadn't spoken about his childhood in a long time- not since he'd met and befriended Hakkai. Talking to Goku about this, telling him about his demons… it was an act of trust- one Sanzo didn't take lightly. But he _wanted_ to share this with Goku, He'd finally found someone he _wanted_ to confide in. If he was to prove to himself that he truly was a strong person, he had to be able to deal with the darkness of his past.

Goku watched him attentively with those wide, golden eyes as he struggled to put the words together.

"The man who shot me- his name is Shuuei. He was one of the foster parents I spent my childhood with." His voice was low and scratchy, his emotions, for once, swimming close to the surface.

"Like me?" Goku asked, and Sanzo nodded.

"Yeah, like you." He paused to fight down the swirling nausea that threatened to overcome him as his memories flooded back unchecked. In his mind, Shuuei's younger face overlapped with his crazed, older self until Sanzo could no longer separate them. The younger Shuuei smiled down at him and blood from the older Shuuei's wound flowed down his face. Memories of old and new met and melded into one confused, painful whole- threatening to drown him in panic until he felt a warm hand grasp his own, bringing his thoughts back to the present.

He looked at Goku with desperate eyes, needing the boy's gentle faith to help him keep his sanity.

"I'm fine," he said after a moment. He cleared his throat and blinked away the stinging moisture in his eyes.

"I was ten when I ended up in Shuuei's home- ten and stupid. He seemed likeable enough, I suppose, but I should've realized there was something strange about the way he looked at me. I should've _sensed_ something." He squeezed Goku's hand tightly before continuing.

"He raped me," Sanzo said, eyes darkening with painful memories once again. Goku gasped and leaned forward, still holding Sanzo's hand tightly in his own, but he had no words to give his angel- and they would have fallen on deaf ears anyway.

"I turned him in. He couldn't believe it. But my shame was less powerful than my need to be away from him, so I reported it and the system took me away. I was placed with a different man, only this time he actually _was_ a decent person. His name was Koumyou Sanzo. He became a father to me and he helped me deal with my feelings- my hatred and shame. He made me a better person than I had been.

"He also supported me through the trial process. I had to testify in court about what Shuuei had done to me, and I don't think I could have done it without my father's support. But he got me through it and Shuuei went to prison." He looked at Goku with tears in his eyes, but he didn't let them fall. That was one weakness he could not permit himself.

"I didn't see Shuuei again until last night. I guess I wasn't prepared to see him just appear out of nowhere like that. I was too damn _slow_."

"No you weren't, Sanzo. Everything turned out alright, after all," Goku said reassuringly, and a bitter smile appeared on Sanzo's lips.

"I suppose so. But I've caused you a lot of unnecessary pain because of this. I guess I saw myself in you and I wanted to protect that. But you actually _aren't_ a child, and it was my fear of _myself_ that kept me from seeing that. I didn't want to be like _him_. I didn't want to be that monster."

"You aren't a monster, Sanzo! You're an angel!" Goku said without thinking. Sanzo was surprised by the sudden vehemence in the boy's voice, but Goku was already reigning in his own emotions, visibly forcing himself to control his excitement.

"You're _my_ angel, Sanzo," he continued, more calmly. "You've saved me _twice_ now. You're like a guardian angel watching over me." Goku smiled gently. "You don't _have_ to do it, but you do- you make me feel safe. And someday I want to make _you_ feel safe too. Someday I want to be able to protect _you_."

Sanzo was shaken by the boy's radiant devotion, having never imagined he could ever inspire such a reaction in someone before. Goku's love for him was written all over the boy's face, and Sanzo felt his own heart responding to that warmth.

A soft knock startled him, and he looked up at Hakkai, who stood apologetically in the doorway.

"I'm sorry for interrupting, but the police are here and they want to take your statement now, Sanzo," Hakkai said, and Sanzo nodded. Goku was about to pull away and follow Hakkai out when Sanzo gripped his hand tighter, silently asking him to stay. Goku was surprised but pleased, and he settled himself back down in the chair. Sanzo gave the boy's hand another brief squeeze before finally letting go.

They would talk more later. Right now he braced himself to deal with the memory of last night and the fresh blood on his hands.

….

Kou's stepmother looked up from her book as he entered the room. She took one look at his face and set the novel she was reading aside to give him her full attention.

Kou was still having a hard time believing what Lirin had told him- but she'd sounded so _certain_ about what she'd heard that he couldn't bring himself to completely dismiss her worries. It had taken a few wide-eyed, sleepless nights to bring him to this point, but he was finally ready. He wanted the truth and he was ready to confront his stepmother to get it.

He kept his distance from her, leaning against the wall across the room with arms folded across his chest. He was exhausted- the only things keeping him standing were adrenaline and sheer force of will. His emotions were running high and it took a lot of his energy just to keep them off his face. But he'd made up his mind and was determined to see this through. Nothing was going to stop him.

"What's bothering you, dearest?" she asked him, her voice as loving and concerned as ever. He could detect no traces of hidden disgust in her words- but if what Lirin said was true, she'd been fooling him for years. That was a lot of practice.

"I'm going to ask you something and I want an honest answer," he said bluntly, having no energy to waste on games at the moment. "Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you!" she exclaimed, face and voice showing her shock at hearing such a question from him, but something struck Kou as odd about her answer. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, though, and the harder he concentrated on it the more it eluded him.

"What brought this on, dear?" she asked, and Kou shrugged, his face expressionless.

He watched her with new eyes- eyes not blinded by years of unquestioned, blind acceptance. He looked at her as he would a stranger… and he was troubled by what he saw.

On the surface, she was as concerned and maternal as he expected, but there was something else behind it- something unaffected and calculating. Her face showed worry but her body language seemed… _contrived_. She was leaning toward him but there was no _emotion_ in it. She was like an actor in a play- someone who knew what was expected and went through all the right _motions_, but whose heart was kept separate and detached; always remembering it was just a role they played. Her act was masterfully done, but Kou wasn't blind anymore, and he saw the truth behind the act. She wasn't really concerned about his feelings at all.

Pain, betrayal, loss… they ate at his heart, and a great swell of anger rose within him. This woman was manipulating him for some reason, playing some sort of game with his emotions. He didn't know what she was after, but it was cruel and he almost hated her for it.

Because he knew that if she'd really cared about him at all, he would have done anything for her, given her anything she wanted… anything that was in his power to give. All he'd ever needed in this world was to be loved… it was all he cared about. If he had his family with him, nothing could ever be really wrong. And he'd _believed_ in this woman. All his life, for as long as he could remember, she'd always been there- proclaiming her love for him. His own mother had abandoned him and his father, and this woman had come into their lives and cared for him like he was her own son. Or so he'd thought until now.

But _why_? Why the act? Why, after all this time, hadn't she at least _grown_ to love him? Was it _that_ difficult?

He looked at her coldly, his eyes glittering dangerously.

"Why are you lying to me?" he asked, and she gasped. She started to protest, but he held up his hand to stop her before she ever started.

"I don't want to hear any more of your lies. Just tell me why you've lied to me all this time."

Her eyes narrowed and she sat back in her chair, her entire posture changing- and she revealed her true self to Kou for the first time in his entire life. She gazed at him as if he were some particularly annoying insect and her lips twisted up into a cruel smile.

"I started because I thought that's what your father wanted to see," she said, then laughed. "Isn't it funny how wrong I was? He couldn't care less about anyone but himself." She snorted and bared her teeth in an almost feral snarl.

"And then I discovered your talent… and my, but you _are_ talented. I decided that if your father was incapable of providing me with the life I've always wanted, I would get it from _you_. Only, I had to keep you under my thumb somehow so that you would be more than happy to give me whatever it is I wanted. Since I was already pretending, I figured I would just keep up the charade."

Mother and son considered each other coldly, eyes meeting in a silent battle. Kou's anger was growing by the second as his heart broke into a million tiny pieces.

"You know it's over now," he said, triumph shining in his eyes. "You'll get nothing from _me_."

His satisfaction faded as his statement was greeted by cold laughter. She looked at him and smiled almost merrily.

"I wouldn't speak too soon, if I were you," she said, her eyes dancing with glee. "I have something you want."

Kou snorted and shook his head.

"I don't want anything from you," he said, and she just kept smiling at him. He wanted to slap that smirk off her face, but something restrained him.

"I don't know about that," she said, folding her hands in her lap and grinning.

"What?" Kou asked. "What is it?" He was confused by her words and her smug confidence. What could she possibly have that he would want?

"I know where your real mother is," she said, and Kou's eyes widened in shock. It had been his understanding that his mother had just disappeared, leaving no trace of where she'd gone.

"Why would I want to know _that_?" he asked angrily. "That woman _abandoned_ me!" His fists were clenched at his sides now, fury making him tremble all over.

"No. She didn't," his stepmother said with quiet satisfaction. "Your father and I told you that to keep you from bothering us about her. She would never have abandoned her only child."

Her words hit Kou like a ton of bricks. He couldn't think… couldn't _breathe_. His mother had loved him. She hadn't wanted to _leave_ him after all….

"I can tell you where she is," his stepmother said, obviously enjoying his pain. "I can tell you _everything_. But in return you have to continue to do as I say and win that contest. I want to be filthy rich, Kougaiji. If you can provide that for me, I'll tell you everything I know."

She was watching him closely, and he knew that right now his emotions were written all over his face. He was filled with a wild hope- could he really find his mother? He wanted to. Suddenly it was the only thing in this world that mattered. He would find her and she would embrace him- her son. All he had to do was play this bitch's game and the truth would be his.

He strangled his hatred, locking it into the furthest reaches of his heart. He would play this game and give her what she wanted. The money didn't matter to him. She could have it all- as long as she told him the truth.

"You swear it? You'll tell me the truth?" he asked, and her wicked smile widened in victory.

"You have my word," she said, and Kou nodded.

"Fine. We have a deal. I'll give you everything."

"I know you will," she said, her voice once again as smooth as silk. "You're a _dutiful_ son."


	13. That Kind of Love

Love Song 

Chapter Thirteen- That Kind of Love

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Thanks to GhostHelwig once again for rescuing me from the pits of fan fiction hell and giving me the inspiration to keep this story alive.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kou's face was a thundercloud when he walked into rehearsal a week later.

He'd avoided his friends since his talk with his stepmother. He'd missed rehearsals, not returned their phone calls and kept himself locked away in his room, refusing to open the door when they came to see him. He'd completely cut himself off from anyone he cared about until now.

Doku and Yaone looked relieved to see him again. Kou was sorry he'd had to worry them, but he'd needed time to himself to prepare… to harden his heart enough to be _able_ to continue on when what he really wanted to do was fall down and cry. But he was ready now. Resolve burned in his heart- strengthened by anger, hatred and a desperate need to find someone who truly loved him.

Lirin avoided looking at him, instead fiddling with her drumsticks, and it was her he approached, with purpose in every step.

"Lirin," he said, looking down at her. She met his gaze, her heart in her eyes, and he gave her the best smile he could find in his heart.

"I'm sorry," he said. "But everything's okay now. All right?"

She stared at him for a moment, unblinking, then her face split into a wide, beaming grin. Her complete faith in his words was almost staggering to Kou, whose own faith in humanity had been decidedly shaken.

"I knew it would all work out once I told _you_, big brother!" she said, her usual vibrant glow returning. The change in her was immediate and drastic- one second she was moping and listless, the next her boundless energy returned and she was once again a quivering mass of excitement. Her extremes were trying for Kou when he was feeling _good_. Right now it exhausted him just looking at her.

He gave her another quick smile and then the grim determination returned to his face. He had no way of knowing it, but the change in _him_ was sudden and extreme as well. His smile had softened his face- without it he looked older… aged in a way that brought worry once more to the hearts of the people around him, all of whom loved him very much. He was oblivious to the look Doku and Yaone shared behind his back. His mind was already on the task at hand.

"Let's practice," Kou said, his voice hard and cold. "We have a long way to go and I will _not_ lose."

He grabbed his guitar and settled the strap around his shoulders. Just three more weeks. In three more weeks he would be closer to finding his _real_ mother. Three more weeks ands he would have that recording contract… and then he would make all of his dreams come true. Once he had that record deal, he would take the world by storm and his stepmother would finally be happy. He would make both their dreams a reality.

He would allow no one to get in his way.

….

Sanzo sat back and watched Goku play, trying to ignore the sharp, throbbing ache in his belly.

He'd been released from the hospital a couple of days ago with strict orders to rest, but he'd never been very good at obeying people in authority. He'd insisted they continue practicing even though he could barely stand up afterwards. His band mates had argued with him about it as he knew they would, but he'd been insistent and they'd eventually had to give in. He would do what he wanted, and they _did_ need the rehearsal time. They still weren't tight enough. The songs were still too new. And they only had three more weeks to fix it.

He wasn't overly worried about it. They would pull it all together in the end. Losing wasn't an option for them and they all understood that.

His injury wasn't making things any easier, though. He could only sing a few songs before breathing became difficult and he had to rest. At least the injury wasn't life-threatening anymore. Shuuei's bullet had, by some miracle, missed his vital organs. He would live. It was just difficult to breathe deeply enough to sing.

Which was how he came to be sitting against the wall, watching Goku pick out a lazy, sad melody on his guitar.

He and Goku had managed to recover their comfortable familiarity with each other over the past seven days. They'd talked a little… nothing _too_ serious. Neither of them had brought up the subject of their new relationship. The kisses they'd stolen during their few brief moments alone together had been… _intense_.

Perhaps he would've been more eager to deal with the matter if he wasn't in such piss-poor shape, but for now he was content with a few kisses and heated caresses. Anything more was beyond his abilities at the moment. He would talk to Goku more when he was actually able to make good on his promises. Until then, it could wait.

Goku seemed to have no problem with that. He was perfectly happy just to have the knowledge that Sanzo cared. The boy had barely left Sanzo's side since he'd come out of the hospital. He fetched things for him, ran errands for him and basically did _whatever_ Sanzo asked except leave him alone. There were many times when the boy's constant presence wore on the blonde's nerves, but Sanzo never became _seriously_ angry with him. He knew Goku had been lonely and was just trying to help him out in the only was he knew how. Still, he wished Goku would find some other way to show his devotion. Being constantly underfoot was a good way to get on his every last nerve.

Even with all of that, though, Sanzo had to admit he felt pretty good right now. The nightmares he'd been having while in the hospital had finally subsided- due in no small part to the fact that whenever he woke up at night now Goku was there. Sanzo could feel his warm, reassuring presence and relax again, even if he was half asleep.

If Gojyo and Hakkai had noticed how close together he and Goku slept these days, they didn't say anything… and he was grateful. He didn't have the patience to deal with questions and comments right now.

"Goku," Sanzo said, and their eyes met across the room. The boy put down his guitar and looked at Sanzo curiously.

"Yeah?" he asked. "Did you need something?"

"Are you going to play around with that all day?" Sanzo asked, a hint of annoyance creeping into his voice. "It won't take Hakkai very long to finish his errands, even with that moron tagging along."

Goku grinned and walked over to Sanzo. He knelt down next to the blonde and gave him his best innocent look.

"Is this better, Sanzo?" he asked, and the blonde growled low in his throat and pulled the boy's head down to capture his lips in a kiss. Goku melted into it, welcoming Sanzo's tongue into his mouth. The kiss was long and lingering, and by the time their lips parted again both of them were breathless with desire.

Goku sat back on his heels and smiled shyly, blushing at the way Sanzo was looking at him.

Sanzo was amazed all over again at how intense his arousal could become from just a single kiss from Goku's sweet lips. He'd never experienced anything like it before. He'd never felt such a _need_ to touch someone.

Another sharp stab of pain in his stomach reminded him of his current limitations, and he grimaced. Goku saw the pain on his face and was immediately concerned.

"Sanzo… you okay?" he asked, eyes wide.

"I'm fine," the blonde grunted, leaning back again and resting his head against the wall. He looked at Goku and a hint of a smile touched his lips.

"So what song was that you were playing?" he asked, deliberately changing the subject. Goku just shrugged.

"Just something I've been working on," the boy said dismissively. "It's nothing."

"It's good. You should finish it," Sanzo said quietly, watching Goku blush an even deeper shade of red. Strange how he could find a simple blush so alluring, but he enjoyed seeing that telltale flush creep into Goku's cheeks.

"You really think so?" the boy asked, keeping his eyes fixed on his own hand as he toyed with the hem of Sanzo's shirt.

"I wouldn't have said so if I didn't," Sanzo replied, quite serious. Goku looked up and met his gaze, pleased despite the embarrassment.

The strangest feeling came over Sanzo as Goku smiled at him- a feeling that warmed his heart and brought a tender smile to his face.

He knew what this was. He could recognize it again. His heart was open to it for the first time in years.

It was love- pure and simple and true. It filled him and strengthened him and he could no longer imagine his life without it.

And he no longer even wanted to.

….

Gojyo stood outside the convenience store, waiting for Hakkai. He'd decided to wait outside and have a cigarette. Hakkai could handle buying things just fine without him.

They'd come out for cigarettes and beer- and to give Sanzo a chance to rest. The guy was insane, in Gojyo's _professional_ opinion. He was pushing himself way too hard. If they didn't force him to take a break every so often, he'd keep going until he dropped. To his way of thinking, Sanzo's behavior was counter-productive, but there was no talking to the guy when he had his mind set on something. So they'd used this excuse to force Sanzo to take a breather.

He hoped Goku behaved himself while they were gone. They hadn't done this just so Sanzo could exhaust himself in _other_ ways.

He grinned to himself. He and Hakkai had noticed the change in Sanzo and Goku's relationship, and they were pretty pleased about it. Gojyo just hoped that Sanzo would finally lighten up a bit if he got laid. The guy was a serious pain in the ass sometimes. He hoped Goku knew what he was in for. Of course, if there was one person who could get past all those nasty defenses Sanzo put up, it would be the kid. Sanzo seemed to have a soft spot when it came to him.

_'Well, maybe not a _soft_ spot,'_ Gojyo thought to himself, chuckling.

"Oh my. If it isn't Sanzo's least favorite little sidekick," said a sneering, high-pitched voice, and Gojyo turned to face the voice's owner with his own look of open contempt.

"Just who I _didn't_ need to hear from," Gojyo said, running one long-fingered hand through his hair and stretching lazily. He flicked his cigarette butt at the other man's feet and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his jeans, already bored with the conversation.

"Have you been relegated to errand boy once again?" Dougan asked, his voice dripping with false sympathy. "Is that all Sanzo thinks you're fit for?"

He laughed and suddenly Gojyo wanted to hit him. He'd been teased and taunted by Dougan since the first day they'd met, when he'd shown up at one of their after-show parties a friend had thrown for them.

It was hate at first sight for them both. He'd been creeped out by the guy from the beginning, and that feeling only grew as Dougan came around more and more often. He seemed to have some kind of sick fascination with Sanzo, and his seemingly innocent comments to their singer had always dripped with thinly veiled innuendo and almost vulgar posturing. It disgusted him. He could practically _see_ the obscene images and thoughts that went through the guy's head. And Sanzo had the nerve to call _him_ a pervert.

Being insulted by this no-talent little wannabe was just too much for him to take. He'd put up with it for far too long as it was and he was sick of it.

"Back off, Dougan. I'm in no mood for your petty insults right now," Gojyo said, clenching his fists at his sides. His hold on his temper was a bit tenuous at the _best_ of times, but he didn't want to start a fight if he could get the asshole to leave him alone without throwing a punch. Hakkai hated it when he got blood on his clothes.

"What's the matter, Gojyo? Did I strike a nerve?" Dougan taunted him, heedless of the dangerous look in Gojyo's eyes. "Hacks like you are a dime a dozen, I'm afraid. Everyone knows that. I'll never understand why my dearest Sanzo puts up with you."

That was the last straw. Gojyo snarled and swung his fist around, connecting squarely with Dougan's sneering, contemptuous face.

Dougan's eyes widened in surprise and pain as he was knocked backwards, landing flat on his ass. Gojyo stood over him, glaring furiously down at his tormentor. Dougan pressed his hand to his wounded jaw and smiled wickedly.

"I guess that really _is_ a sore spot for you, isn't it?" he said, quickly recovering his composure. Gojyo folded his arms across his chest and frowned.

"I don't need to hear that _shit_ from a perverted little maggot like you. _I'm_ not the one with the issues here. Don't take your petty little jealousies out on _me_."

"Gojyo, what's going on?" Hakkai asked, emerging from the store carrying a bulging plastic bag. He glanced around at the people giving Gojyo a wide berth, then down at Dougan who was still sitting on the ground where he had fallen.

"Well, what do we have here?" he asked, his expression not nearly as mild as his words sounded. Gojyo shrugged and lit another cigarette, his posture becoming noticeably more relaxed as Hakkai became subtly more aggressive.

"Dougan and I were having a little chat," he said, grinning. "I think he's having a little trouble getting the point, though."

"Oh?" Hakkai asked, squatting down next to Dougan. He looked at him very seriously, his face calm but his eyes icy. "Maybe I can help with that," he said.

"I'm not afraid of _you_," Dougan said. "You're nothing more than a _thug_. Your hypocrisy is _astounding_. For a man who lost his lover- no, his _sister_- to a gang of men _just like him_, you've got a lot of nerve. How _dare_ you judge _me_!" Dougan's words were cut off by Hakkai's hand as it snaked out to grab his throat in a bruising grip.

"_What did you say_?" Hakkai asked, his façade of easygoing joviality dropping away to reveal a harder, crueler face. His eyes burned with fury and he bared his teeth in a snarl.

Gojyo's smile faded and he watched soberly as his lover's bitter anger was loosed. Whatever Dougan got now, he deserved. He was a fool to have brought up Hakkai's painful past in that way, and Gojyo enjoyed watching the little worm squirm under Hakkai's chilling stare.

"How did you find out about that?" Hakkai asked through gritted teeth. Dougan covered his fear with a look of haughty superiority, refusing to be cowed.

"It wasn't difficult," he said, choking slightly as Hakkai's grip tightened. "I bet your precious Kanan _suffered_, didn't she? Did she _cry_?"

Hakkai's gaze narrowed, his left eye glittering dangerously, and his grip tightened again, cutting off any more words. Dougan's eyes bulged and his fingers dug into the flesh of Hakkai's wrist, seeking release.

Gojyo leaned down and placed a hand on Hakkai's arm. He was worried- scared for his lover's well being. Hakkai would never forgive himself if he killed Dougan now… like _this_.

"Hey. Hakkai. Chill out, man. Let him go," he said, keeping his voice low and soothing. "You don't want this."

He thought for a moment that Hakkai hadn't heard him. There was no response on his face, no slackening of his grip. His eyes stayed fixed on Dougan's reddening face as he choked the life out of him.

Then, almost imperceptibly at first, his grip loosened and Dougan gasped for air, coughing and gagging as his lungs pulled much-needed oxygen through his nearly crushed windpipe. Hakkai watched him dispassionately.

"Don't ever use her name again. I will kill you. And you would be wise to _never_ come near Gojyo or myself again. One more wrong word to him and you'll see me get _very_ angry."

Hakkai didn't wait for a response. He stood and hefted his bag, his expression softening as he gazed at his lover.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," he said with a soft smile, and Gojyo shrugged.

"No problem. It's kinda nice seeing you get all worked up over me," he teased, throwing his arm around Hakkai's shoulders. His lover's smile widened at his obvious attempt to lighten the mood.

"Well, since _I_ did all the shopping, _you_ can carry the bag," Hakkai said, eyes crinkling with laughter. He handed the sack to Gojyo, who grimaced at the weight of it.

"Shit, Hakkai! What the hell did you _buy_?"

"The beer and cigarettes that _you_ and _Sanzo_ requested," Hakkai replied, and Gojyo winced.

"Oh yeah. Right," he said, hooking his arm into Hakkai's and leading him away.

Dougan watched them go with hate burning in his heart. He would repay them for this humiliation. He wasn't some weakling they could push around at will.

He coughed again and pushed himself up off the ground, shaky on his feet but still standing.

And that was better than _they_ would be when he finished with them. He swore it.


	14. Mean What You Say

Love Song 

Chapter Fourteen- Mean What You Say

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Um, I know I say this every time, but that's because it never gets less true. GhostHelwig has helped me out SO much with this story! Thank you, Ghosty! You're the best!

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Hey! I wanna play _that one_, big brother! Can I?" Lirin asked, her high-pitched voice adding to the general din of the arcade. She was fairly _bursting_ with excitement, and Kou nodded absently to her.

"Do what you want," he said, handing over some tokens.

"Thanks, big brother!" she exclaimed, running off quickly. She darted through the crowd with the ease of a seasoned arcade visitor, and Yaone started after her.

"_Lirin_! Don't run off like that!" Yaone yelled, trying to make her way through the crowd. Kou watched them go and then handed some tokens to Doku, who remained where he was.

"Go enjoy yourself," Kou said, waving his hand at the games, but Doku just shook his head.

"I'd rather stay with you, if that's alright," he said. Kou shrugged. It made no difference to him.

"Suit yourself."

He walked over to one of the shooting games and deposited his tokens, trying to ignore Doku's presence.

He wasn't in the mood to have someone hovering over him like a mother hen. He wasn't even in the mood to _be_ here, but this had been Ni's _brilliant_ idea and he'd had no choice but to go along with it.

"Since you're so very good at playing games," Ni had said to him, "I thought you might enjoy a little trip to an arcade. After all… all work and no play makes little master Kougaiji a very sour little boy."

He'd wanted to strangle Ni- to slaughter his stepmother's henchman as he was unable to do to her- but in the end he'd held his temper in check like a good boy and resigned himself to wasting an entire day of his precious time. There were other things they should be doing- like rehearsing. They weren't up to snuff yet. Close, but not yet. Not when winning was so important. He had no idea what Ni was up to- _why_ he'd sent them here… but Kou didn't like it. Ni shouldn't be encouraging them to waste their time on foolish games.

Kou's thoughts consumed him as he stared grimly at the screen and fired shot after shot. He wished the game were real, wished he could use it to force his stepmother to tell him the truth- but it wasn't and he couldn't, so he contented himself with imagining her face on the game's screen.

Doku watched Kou play for a while, then popped in his own tokens and picked up the other gun.

"Tell me what's going on, Kou," he said. "You've been in this foul mood for days."

"It's nothing," Kou growled, his lips pulling back into a snarl. He kept firing at the screen as if he were banishing something he hated.

"If you feel the need to keep lying to me, that's fine, but I thought we were friends. You listened to me and now it's my turn to do the same for you." Dokugakuji fired at the screen, destroying three of Kou's opponents. Kou was silent for a moment and then sighed and gave in.

"My stepmother detests me," he said softly, still keeping his eyes on the screen in front of him.

"What are you talking about? She totally dotes on you," Doku said, glancing sideways at Kou's profile.

"It's all an act. She's been lying to me this whole time." Kou's voice was emotionless but his eyes burned with fury at her betrayal.

"What the hell are you _talking_ about?" Doku asked, giving Kou his full attention.

"She's been using me from the start- using me to get what she wants. _Money_." He sneered and shot the head off another imaginary "Lady" Koushu.

"So… if you don't want to do this, why don't you just tell her so? It's not like you owe her anything."

Kou shook his head in mute disagreement.

"I can't. She's got something I want- something important." The anger in Kou was bubbling to the surface. He was shaking with the force of it.

"What could be so important to you that you'd put up with this? It's not like you to let yourself be forced into anything."

Kou couldn't hold the gun steady any longer. He put it down and looked at his hands, trying to will them to become steadier. He curled his fingers into tight, white-knuckled fists.

"My mother. My _real_ mother." He looked at Doku, his eyes glistening with frustrated tears that he refused to shed. "She knows where my mother is," he said in a voice choked with emotion.

Doku couldn't have been more surprised, but he placed a comforting hand on Kou's shoulder anyway.

"Just tell me how I can help you," he said, making his deep voice as reassuring as possible.

"We need to _win_. We need to become a hit. If I give her what she wants, she'll tell me how to find my mother."

"Not a problem, then," Doku said, smiling. "_Of course_ we're going to make it big. Don't worry so much, Kou. She'll have her money soon and you'll have your mother. I'm sure of it."

Kou's face softened the slightest bit, Doku's confidence soothing his wound-up nerves.

"I have to keep my eye on the prize," Kou said, more to himself than to his friend, and Doku said nothing. He just gave Kou's shoulder a comforting squeeze and then cocked his head in the direction Yaone and Lirin had disappeared off to.

"What do you say we find Lirin before Yaone goes crazy?" he said, and Kou nodded absently once again.

He let himself be led away, not really caring where they were headed. Nothing mattered now but _the goal_. Nothing mattered now except finding his mother.

And finally finding the love he was searching for.

…

They'd paid the entry fee. Now they were committed.

Gojyo thought they should _be_ committed. Or, at the very least, _Sanzo_ should be. The man had regained much of his former strength over the last few days and had since become a _maniac_. He was an absolute _slave driver_- working them tirelessly, making them play their songs over and over until they met his exacting standards.

Gojyo couldn't count the number of times that he'd been so frustrated and tired that he'd wanted to quit. Hell, just yesterday he'd entertained the idea of smashing his bass over Sanzo's thick head to finally get them a break. He didn't think he could take two more weeks of this punishment.

His sore fingers fumbled the notes as weariness made them clumsy, and Sanzo's keen ears detected the slip-up right away. He motioned for Goku and Hakkai to stop and then turned to Gojyo, who was hanging his head, shoulders slumped.

"Fuck," Gojyo muttered, sounding defeated. It was all he could think of to say.

It was unnaturally quiet without music filling the air. All Gojyo could hear was the sound of their breathing.

"What the fuck was _that_ supposed to be?" Sanzo asked, husky voice startlingly loud in the silence. Gojyo felt an instinctive, gut-twisting anger well up in him at the condescending tone of Sanzo's voice.

"That was me _screwing up_ because I'm too damn _exhausted_ to keep playing!" Gojyo snapped, fixing his furious gaze on Sanzo's arrogant face. "This is _crazy_! We've been playing for _hours_! When the hell do we get a _break_?"

"Quit whining, you worthless piece of shit. We've got work to do."

"_Screw you_, you self-righteous _prick_! _You've_ got it _easy_! All _you_ have to do is _sing_! Try wearing _your_ fingers down to the bone for hours on end for some ungrateful _bastard_ and see how _you_ like it!"

Gojyo was yelling now, the last shreds of his self-control gone, and still Sanzo stood there with that detached, holier-than-thou look on his face. That was what _really_ pissed him off. Sanzo didn't care _who_ he upset or how anyone _else_ felt as long as he got what he wanted. The longer he looked at that cold, emotionless face, the angrier he got.

"Are you finished yet?" Sanzo asked, folding his arms. He raised one eyebrow questioningly as he looked at Gojyo. "Or do you need more playtime? Just let us know if you can't keep up. We'll try to go _easy_ on you."

Gojyo felt his fury reach its peak, and a strange, unnatural calm came over him. He set his bass down very carefully.

"Yeah, _I'm done_," he said, flipping the blonde off. "For good."

Gojyo walked out, feeling as if a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and finally he could smile again.

"Prima Donna," Sanzo muttered, casually lighting a cigarette.

"I'm going to go after him," Hakkai said, rising to his feet, and Sanzo snorted.

"He'll be back," he said, ignoring Hakkai's obvious concern.

"What if he doesn't come back, Sanzo? What do we do then?" Goku asked hesitantly. Sanzo glanced at him and shrugged.

"If he really wants to do this, he'll come back. If he doesn't, better to find out now. Either way, if he can't take the stress, we don't need him."

Hakkai looked unconvinced, worry lines marring his youthful face.

"The past few months have been hard on _all_ of us, Sanzo. We've been _killing_ ourselves to prepare for this contest. Even _you_ must be exhausted by now. Surely you can understand where Gojyo is coming from."

"Maybe," Sanzo said calmly. "One big difference, though. _I'm_ still here."

Hakkai had no response to that.

"Well, I guess _'playtime'_ is over," he said quietly, staring longingly at the door Gojyo had just left through.

"That's what I was trying to _tell_ him," Sanzo said.

And silence claimed the room once more.


	15. Ghosts and Monsters

Love Song 

Chapter Fifteen- Ghosts and Monsters

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Thanks to GhostHelwig for helping me out so damn much! Hey! This chapter is even named after you!

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Gojyo had lost count of the number of drinks he'd had. Everything past the sixth was a bit foggy, which was probably why he couldn't remember what possible reason he could've had to walk into this particular place on this particular night.

He sat at the bar, back to the crowd, listening to his brother play. It was some sort of sick cosmic joke. Had to be. How else would his brother have ended up playing the same damn instrument that _he_ did?

The music washed over him, drowning him with its throbbing beat. It was so familiar and yet still so damn _different_. He'd played those notes a thousand times- back before Kou had left them to do his own thing, but now those notes had _changed_, had become something _else_ in the hands of his brother.

He was relieved when the music ended and he was released from the hold of his memories. He didn't want to think about Sanzo or Hakkai right now, didn't want to imagine the confusion Goku must be feeling as his world unraveled yet again. He didn't need that guilt. He had enough of his own.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Doku asked, leaning casually against the bar next to Gojyo.

"Having another drink," Gojyo said, not looking at his brother. He sipped at his whiskey, letting it roll over his tongue before swallowing it down. That was the best part about hard liquors- they never stopped burning their way down, no matter how much you'd had to drink.

"Don't do it _here_. I don't want to see your face," Doku said, and Gojyo laughed.

"Funny. I never figured you for the type to run away from your problems. Then again, you sure as hell didn't try too hard to _find_ me. Not that I blame you." Gojyo finished off his drink in one swallow and motioned at the bartender for another. He could sense the anger radiating from his brother's tense body, even if he didn't completely understand _why_ he was so furious.

"Who are you mad at, brother? Me? _Yourself_?"

He looked at Doku's face and all of a sudden his emotions were boiling up inside of him. Maybe it was the coldness in his brother's eyes. Maybe it was the memory of that stinging blow. Hell, maybe it was just the damn liquor. Suddenly he could feel the pain of his childhood all over again, and it was too much to keep inside. The hurt had been buried for far too long to be ignored now.

Without meaning to, he began to speak, and his eyes held his brother's, refusing to let him look away.

"Do you know how long I _waited_ for you? _Do you_? I kept telling myself you'd come for me. You'd find me and we'd be a happy family. Because to do what you did, you had to _care_. You must have _loved_ me. But you never came. You never even _wanted_ to.

"You know what I realized? Blood means less than nothing. Our mother hated me because of _my blood_. I didn't deserve it. You were the only family I had left and I was yours, but blood didn't matter to you. I was just another bad memory.

"So I built my _own_ life with my _own_ family- people who _weren't_ my blood but who didn't care, because our ties are built on _stronger_ things. And I saw how stupid I'd been to think that blood ever mattered."

Gojyo looked away and took a drink of his whiskey.

"The blood you spilled only matters if you _let_ it. You want someone to blame for what happened? Blame _her_. She's the one who let it go that far. Blame _yourself_. You made the choice. _I_ sure as hell never asked you to. But don't blame _me_. All I did was _live_."

Gojyo stood and swallowed the rest of his drink, relishing the heat that blossomed in its wake. He sighed contentedly and turned to look into his brother's stunned face.

"For what it's worth, thanks. I've wanted to say that to you for a long time. Thank you for saving my life. I kinda _like_ being around, you know? Took me a long time to _get_ to that point, but now that I am… thank you."

He smiled, feeling much lighter now that he'd said all of that. His mind felt clear again and he had a sudden, burning desire to see Hakkai. He felt _ready_ again- ready to take on the world and tackle any challenge.

He lit a cigarette, savoring the sweet taste of freedom- both from his past and from the dreams he'd had of a future with his brother at his side.

"Oh, and thanks for this little talk," he said, winking at Doku. "I feel a lot better now that I've remembered who my _true_ family is."

Gojyo walked out with a purpose in his mind and a spring in his step, and Doku watched his brother walk out of his life forever- strong, proud and unafraid. And all he could feel was bitter regret.

….

Hakkai had gone _way_ past the point of 'concern'. He was nearly _frantic_ with worry. Not that anyone could really tell, he knew, but he hadn't seen Gojyo since he'd stormed out earlier and panic was beginning to eat away at him.

Gojyo was certainly capable of taking care of himself, but it was unlike him to stay away for so long. He needed to find his lover, if only for his own peace of mind.

He'd searched everywhere he could think of. He'd asked all the girls if they'd seen him. He'd talked to all of Gojyo's acquaintances. He'd checked all the usual places. No one had seen Gojyo anywhere.

And that meant one thing. Gojyo had known Hakkai would look for him and didn't want to see him. He'd very effectively hidden himself from his lover, and there was not a thing Hakkai could do about it.

It was frustrating but, more than that, it hurt. Gojyo had never felt the need to avoid him before. That he would do so _now_, with their love openly acknowledged between them, was like a punch to the gut. He couldn't breathe, couldn't accept it… could barely even _believe_ it. But he couldn't ignore the fact either.

He stepped outside the last club on his list and tucked his hands into his pockets, feeling lost.

"Did you lose something?" asked a voice he'd never heard before, and Hakkai looked up. A slender, somewhat shady-looking man was leaning against the wall, cigarette dangling carelessly from his lips. He was watching Hakkai with smiling eyes behind his glasses, and his lips were twisted into a thin smirk. Something about the man set Hakkai's teeth on edge and he had to force himself not to bare his teeth. His reaction to this stranger was instinctive and involuntary, and it came as a complete surprise to him. He wasn't used to having such a violent reaction to people.

"Or did you, perhaps, lose a some_one_?" the man asked, sounding almost gleefully happy. He chuckled, and the sound grated on Hakkai's nerves.

"Who are you?" he asked the stranger, his voice harsh and a bit angry. "And what do _you_ know about it?"

"I know a lot of things," the man said, smiling. "I know who you're looking for and I know _why_ you're searching so _desperately_ for any sign of him. I also know you should probably give it up right now."

"What are you talking about?" Hakkai asked, his patience quickly running out. The casual attitude this man was displaying infuriated him.

"Your… _friend_… doesn't want to be found, wouldn't you say? It's obvious he's been rather careful to avoid you. Don't you think it would be better to leave him to his own devices right now?" The man's tone sounded reasonable, but Hakkai could sense the malice lurking behind it.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I know what you're talking about," he said, shoving his temper back down.

"Really?" the man asked in his silky voice, sounding surprised and looking anything but. "Then maybe I should speak more plainly." The stranger's posture shifted subtly and now he seemed less casual and more threatening somehow, though he hadn't moved from the spot he was in.

"Your little friend Gojyo wants to be left alone," the man said, seeming more serious. "He doesn't want you around. Shoving yourself on him is a bit, well… _selfish_. Don't you agree?

"Will making yourself feel better actually make _him_ happy?"

Hakkai suddenly didn't know what to say. The man was _odd_, no doubt about it, and he seemed to find some sort of twisted pleasure in his pain, but his words rang with bitter truth. They went straight to his heart, where the fear that he might not be enough to make Gojyo happy dwelt, and he felt all his insecurities begin to grow and multiply.

It _was_ selfish to want to see Gojyo again when he'd taken such great pains to _not_ be found. Gojyo _had_ to have known he would look for him. If Gojyo didn't want to see him, what right did he have to _make_ him? Wouldn't Gojyo just begin to feel smothered? Wouldn't he begin to regret their relationship or grow to resent his intrusion? That was the very last thing Hakkai wanted.

"But you're not thinking of _him_, are you? You're thinking about _yourself_. That's only natural, I suppose. Selfishness is just a part of human nature, after all. Still, it's human nature to want to be _free_ as well. I hope you don't end up driving him away with all those selfish needs of yours."

Hakkai thought of Gojyo- how carefree and jovial he was, how he never cared to be tied down to one woman. He thought of their agreement to never ask for more than was freely offered. He was taking now, he knew. He was _willing_ to take- to ask for Gojyo to come home with him, to put aside his own feelings and _come back_.

And he knew how selfish he was. He knew he was capable of being that. It was why he'd clung so tightly to their agreement in the first place. It kept him from wanting too much and ruining everything. And now, here he was, doing exactly what he'd sworn he wouldn't do.

He didn't want to limit Gojyo's freedom. That wild energy had been part of the attraction in the first place. He _still_ loved that about Gojyo. He was dangerous and untamable, a creature born to be free. Winning Gojyo's love had been a _blessing_- but one he shouldn't take advantage of. Just because he _could_ ask Gojyo to return didn't mean he _should_. He would be doing it for his own sake, because _he_ needed Gojyo, and that was wrong. He would be using Gojyo's love against him.

Hakkai felt helpless and lost all of a sudden, and Ni saw it and his grin widened.

"I know you don't want to tie him down with your selfish desires," Ni said.

"Sounds kinky," came a new voice, and Hakkai swung around, eyes wide.

"_Gojyo_!" he cried, voice hoarse, and his lover smiled as he walked toward him.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," Gojyo said, putting an arm around Hakkai's shoulders. "I had some things to take care of."

He leaned against Hakkai heavily, the strong smell of booze clinging to his skin and clothes. It was the sweetest thing Hakkai had ever smelled.

"Well, it seems you've won this round," Hakkai heard the stranger murmur, and he turned back to face him.

"_Who are you_?" he asked. "How do you know us?"

The stranger shook his head and smiled his strange, quirky smile.

"That's for me to know and for you to find out," he said and walked away whistling an upbeat, happy tune.

Hakkai might have followed him and demanded answers if Gojyo hadn't been hanging on him. But his lover was here, _with him_, and he wouldn't leave him right now for anything.

"What's going on?" Gojyo asked, and now Hakkai could detect the slightly slurred quality of his voice. Gojyo had apparently been drinking _a lot_.

"You never could hold your liquor," Hakkai said fondly and put his arm around Gojyo's waist. Thoughts of selfishness didn't matter right now. Gojyo was _here_ and everything was okay again. He'd come back on his own. There would be time to discuss things later, when his lover was sober. For now, all he wanted was to find someplace where they could be alone and hold Gojyo tight, letting his lover's very presence banish his lingering fears.

He led Gojyo away, headed for the nearest motel. They would have their time alone and Gojyo could recover. Then, if he _wanted_ to, they could go back to Sanzo and Goku. Everything would seem better in the light of day.

Tonight they would simply _rest_.

….

Dougan had followed Sanzo and that boy for an hour. He'd spotted them walking together, the boy standing much too close to his Sanzo, and he'd decided to see what they were up to.

He'd done this before- following Sanzo. It made him feel _closer_ to the man somehow, like they were sharing their lives. He'd learned a lot about Sanzo this way- his likes, his dislikes… but now there was this filthy little brat with him and Sanzo seemed _different_. It wasn't something he could really put a finger on, but it disturbed him nevertheless. That brat was _changing_ Sanzo somehow and he didn't like it at all.

He followed them when they went to get food, watched them eat together. He wondered how Sanzo could stand sitting with that brat while he ate. His manners were atrocious.

He followed them back to the rehearsal hall, watching them talk. The boy seemed upset about something. Dougan was too far away to hear their conversation, but it seemed to be pretty significant. What surprised him was that Sanzo appeared to be _comforting_ the damn brat. It wasn't obvious or done in the _usual_ sense, with touches and soft smiles, but Dougan had been observing Sanzo for a long time and he could tell just from the man's body language and from the fact he was actually _speaking_. And whatever he was saying, it was calming the brat down.

Dougan could already feel the swell of hatred in his chest for the boy who seemed so close to Sanzo. That boy had taken _his_ position in the band and was working on taking Sanzo away from him as well. He wouldn't… he _couldn't_… let that happen.

But they were stopping now, on a near-deserted stretch of sidewalk. Dougan ducked into a doorway, knowing the deep shadows would hide him, and watched as Sanzo and the boy kissed. Even from this distance he could see the intense desire of it in the way they held each other, hands exploring and grasping.

Jealous anger burned in him. His hands clenched into tight fists and he was unaware of the low growl in his throat.

How _dare_ that brat touch his Sanzo? Sanzo belonged to _him_! He had _no right_ to put his hands on Sanzo's body!

He wouldn't let this happen. Sanzo would be his and no one else's. He would see to that.

Sanzo _belonged_ with him. He may not see it now, but Dougan knew he could change his mind. He would show Sanzo what true pleasure was. A stupid boy couldn't _possibly_ know how to please a man like Sanzo, but _he_ could, and he _would_.

A plan formed in his mind and his pants became tighter as his anticipation grew.

Sanzo and Goku went on with their kiss, oblivious to the danger lurking in the twisted heart hiding in the shadows, waiting to strike. They were lost in each other, and Dougan was lost to his hatred.

He knew what he had to do.


	16. Where the Heart Is

Love Song

Chapter Sixteen- Where the Heart Is

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning.

Thank you Ghosty. You're the best.

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Hakkai woke slowly, his senses returning one by one. He stretched languidly, his eyes still closed and a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. His hands sought out the warmth of his lover, fingers exploring the bed in search of the familiar texture of his skin.

He frowned when he didn't find it, and he opened his eyes to see empty space where Gojyo should have been.

He sat up quickly, suddenly wide awake and on the verge of panic. He could see no sign of where Gojyo had gone to, except… Gojyo's shoes, his jacket, his cigarettes- all of them were gone.

The fear that Gojyo had woken up and decided to leave him filled his heart. But surely Gojyo would have _said_ something. Surely he wouldn't have just _left_.

Hakkai's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a key in the door. He blinked as bright morning sunlight flooded through the opening, then his sight adjusted and he was greeted by the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen.

"You're up!" Gojyo said, grinning, and he closed the door behind him, shutting out the sun. He held up two cups of steaming hot coffee and winked. "I was hoping I'd be back before you woke up, but I guess this'll have to do."

Hakkai's mind was slow to process this information, but gradually he realized Gojyo had just gone out for coffee, and the tension flowed out of him. He took one of the cups from Gojyo's outstretched fingers and sipped the drink carefully, letting the steam clear his head a bit.

"Something wrong?" Gojyo asked, removing his jacket and sitting on the bed next to Hakkai. He looked so obviously concerned that Hakkai couldn't even entertain the notion of not telling him about his fears. This was _Gojyo_. If he couldn't tell his lover about his worries, who could he tell?

"Yes. There _is_ something wrong," Hakkai said, setting the cup in his lap and keeping his fingers folded lightly around it. He kept his eyes on his hands, unable to look into Gojyo's eyes while he spilled his secret fears out into the open.

"I'm afraid," Hakkai said, taking a deep breath for confidence. "I'm afraid to know what your plans are. Because… if you aren't coming back I'll ask you to change your mind... for me."

He looked at Gojyo now, his eyes silently pleading for understanding.

"I know it's selfish of me. I know I should just keep my nose out of it. But I can't. I'm sorry. I want you to come back with me."

He stopped, waiting for Gojyo to say something. Every second that went by was an eternity to him as he agonized over his lover's reaction.

"Hakkai, you're the only person in this world who _can_ ask me to change my mind- without any hesitation. Don't you know that?" Gojyo looked surprised by Hakkai's statement, as if he couldn't quite understand what the problem was. Hakkai let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"You really don't mind?" he asked, leaning forward slightly, and Gojyo smiled at him gently.

"I just hope you know I expect the same thing from _you_," Gojyo said, eyes twinkling mischievously. "If I think you should get my name tattooed on your ass, I expect you to consider it."

"I'll remember that," Hakkai said, laughing. "I just… I don't want you to feel _trapped_ or _restricted_. I don't want to be a burden to you. I would hate it if my needs drove you away." He looked shy, almost embarrassed at having his feelings so exposed. He wasn't used to being so open about his insecurities. But Gojyo just put a comforting hand on his leg and squeezed gently.

"I don't know much about relationships. I've never been in one before. But I _do_ know that you won't be rid of me that easily. I _want_ to know what you want, Hakkai. I _want_ you to share your needs with me. You shouldn't worry about that."

Hakkai nodded, a small smile on his lips, and Gojyo winked at him.

"Anyway, I decided I'd go back. I'm no quitter. And I didn't put all that effort into getting this far just to give up now."

He leaned in to kiss Hakkai, their lips soft against each other. Hakkai savored the smoky tang of Gojyo's unique flavor as their tongues met and caressed.

"Besides," Gojyo said, pulling away a bit and looking into the brilliant green of his lover's eyes. "You're my family. You, Goku and even Sanzo… you're the only family I've got."

Hakkai looked into Gojyo's eyes and saw the sadness there, the resignation of a man who'd finally given up hope on a childhood dream.

"Your brother?" he asked, voice soft, and Gojyo nodded.

"We're strangers now, Hakkai. That's all we'll ever be." The heartbreak in his voice was plain and Hakkai pulled Gojyo into another kiss, pouring his love and strength into his lover through it.

He didn't notice when Gojyo took his coffee and placed it on the nightstand. His senses were being swallowed whole by the sensuality of his lover. He was sinking deeper into their love and he was happy.

And so when Gojyo pressed him back into the mattress, he surrendered himself to his fate.

….

Goku was fidgeting again and it was distracting Sanzo from his newspaper. How could _anyone_ concentrate with a teenager moping so _obviously_ right in front of them?

Sanzo glanced at Goku over the top of his newspaper one more time and resigned himself to having to deal with this.

"What is it now?" he asked, his voice not entirely unkind, and Goku looked at him with wide, worried eyes.

"What if Gojyo doesn't come back?" Goku asked, and Sanzo sighed.

"This again?" he said tiredly, folding his newspaper and putting it aside

"He should have come back by now!" Goku said quickly, growing more flustered by the second. "And where's Hakkai? Where'd _he_ go?"

Sanzo knew Goku was distressed, but comforting someone didn't come easily to him and he knew he hadn't been doing a very good job of it. Still, it had only been _a day_. He couldn't understand why Goku was taking this so _hard_.

"What's _really_ bothering you, Goku?" he asked, getting straight to the point. He wasn't a big believer in playing games, and he was thankful for Goku's open honesty and straightforward approach to things. It was one of the few ways in which they were similar and it made life a lot easier then it could have been.

Goku hesitated for only one brief, embarrassed second before responding.

"I don't know what to do," he said softly. "I feel so… _helpless_."

And finally Sanzo understood. Goku wanted to help so badly, yet there was nothing he could do to make things better and he knew it. For someone who cared so passionately, it must be driving him crazy.

So he worried about it constantly, letting it drive him to distraction, trying to figure out if there was some way he could help the people he loved- some small way that maybe he'd overlooked.

Sanzo's keen instincts led him straight to the heart of Goku's problem- his fear. He wanted to help because he was afraid of losing them. They were a family now, the first one Goku had ever been a part of.

His expression didn't change, but his voice was somewhat softer when he spoke again.

"Don't worry so much," he said. "They'll be back. Just give it some time."

Goku nodded, though his face was still troubled.

Sanzo removed his reading glasses and set them on the floor. He walked over to where Goku sat on the floor and knelt down, laying one hand on the boy's shoulder. Goku looked at him and smiled bravely through his fear, wanting to be strong. The sight of that sad smile burned in Sanzo's heart, and he pressed his lips to Goku's to erase it both from his own mind and from the boy's face.

Goku slowly responded to his kiss, opening his mouth and letting his lover taste him. Sanzo tried to keep the kiss slow and gentle, but his own desire was rapidly growing and instead he drank hungrily from Goku's lips.

Goku's tongue swirled around his and he moaned into the boy's mouth. The sound seemed to stir Goku's passion and the boy pressed his lips more firmly against Sanzo's, his hands beginning to wander over the blonde's body.

Things were speeding up quickly, heat blazing between them as they succumbed finally to their mutual passion. Sanzo gasped, breaking their kiss, as Goku's fingers found the tight bulge in his pants and cupped it, caressing it lightly through the denim. He gazed into Goku's golden eyes, searching for confirmation that he wanted this here, _now_, and Goku nodded almost imperceptibly.

Sanzo didn't wait any longer. He kissed Goku again, pressing him backwards to lie on the floor as he did so. Goku's hands slid along his back and sides, exploring him, and each touch sent tingles racing up and down Sanzo's spine.

His lips left Goku's mouth to trail over the boy's jaw and travel down to his throat. Goku raised his chin to allow the blonde better access to his sensitive skin, and Sanzo nibbled and licked his way down Goku's throat, paying special attention to the small area where he could see the boy's pulse beating rapidly.

Sanzo could have stayed there much longer, lingering over the sweet flesh of his lover's throat, but his desire was driving him lower. He slid down Goku's body and raised up the boy's shirt, exposing the smooth, flat planes of his stomach. He pressed a kiss above Goku's belly button and then dipped his tongue into that sensitive spot.

Goku gasped and arched up against him, his fingers tangling in Sanzo's hair. The small sounds coming from Goku's throat drove Sanzo nearly wild with lust, and his fingers popped the button of Goku's jeans, fumbling in their haste but managing nevertheless.

"Get a room," said a laughing voice from the doorway, and Sanzo froze in the act of pulling down Goku's zipper. He sat up quickly, resting on his knees, and Goku pulled himself up as well, looking delightfully disheveled and thoroughly shocked.

"Gojyo!" he exclaimed, rising to his feet quickly. "You're back!"

Sanzo sat back and wiped one shaky hand over his face, trying to adjust to the sudden change of plans. Gojyo walked over to Goku and wrapped an arm around his neck, wrestling him playfully.

"Where else should I be?" he asked, grinning. "I've got to save you from our lecherous friend here," he said, nodding at Sanzo, who just rolled his eyes. Goku blushed, unable to think of a reply.

"What are you doing here?" Sanzo asked, sparing Goku further embarrassment.

Gojyo released his hold on the boy and shrugged, and Hakkai went to him and slid an arm around his waist.

"We've got a lot of work to do, don't we?" Gojyo asked seriously, and Sanzo gave him a measuring look.

What he saw pleased him, though he would rather die than show it. Gojyo looked more at peace with himself than he had before, like he'd finally decided what it was he really wanted. He was a man with a _purpose_ now, not a boy with no thoughts of the future in his mind. He didn't know what had brought about this sudden change, but it was exactly what he'd wanted to see.

He smirked, looking bored with this whole discussion.

"What makes you think we even _want_ you back?" he asked, ignoring the shocked look on Hakkai's face.

"Who else would put up with your bullshit?" Gojyo said, smiling cockily, and Sanzo snorted, but he didn't object any further and Gojyo's grin widened.

"Welcome home, Gojyo," Goku said, smiling brightly up at the redhead, and Gojyo nodded absently.

"Home is where the heart is," he said agreeably, wrapping his arms around Hakkai and squeezing him tight.

Finally, he was home.


	17. The Calm Before the Storm

Love Song 

Chapter Seventeen- The Calm Before the Storm

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Thanks to GhostHelwig for seeing me through this difficult journey.

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"Seven more days," Kou muttered, staring at himself grimly in the bathroom mirror. Just seven more days until he gave the performance of his life. He wished he could find some of his old enthusiasm for it, but it seemed his joy had deserted him.

His fingers tightened their grip on the cold white porcelain of the sink. He felt so damn _dirty_, like he would never be clean again.

And it wasn't too difficult to see _why_ he felt that way, now was it? He hated himself for selling his talent to his stepmother, letting her use him as just another tool to do what she wished. And he knew that's all he was to her.

He resented her for lying to him- for deceiving him and making him love her, then breaking his heart without a second thought. The depth of her cruelty still astounded him. Every time she spoke to him in that new, cold voice with that blatant disgust in her eyes, he was broken all over again.

He would never let her see that, though. It would provide her far too much pleasure. He would never allow her to see how much he still cared.

But he was fooling himself if he thought that was the only reason he felt so unclean. There was something else, wasn't there? Something he hadn't even told Dokugakuji. He didn't want to think about it, didn't want to _know_- but the knowledge burned in his heart anyway… searing him, scarring him.

Ni Jianyi was planning something. His stepmother had given Ni the responsibility of taking down Sanzo and the others before the contest and Kou knew Ni would do _anything_ for her. The man, he'd discovered, had no conscience whatsoever. He knew Ni had already taken steps, though he didn't know what those were.

And he didn't _want_ to know. Whatever Ni did had nothing to do with _him_. He wasn't responsible for anything Ni did to them.

But that wasn't really true, and in his heart Kou knew that. Ni was doing this so _he_ could be sure to win. If he knew about Ni's plotting and did nothing to stop it, that was the same as helping him, wasn't it? And maybe it even made him _worse_ than Ni, because those guys had been his friends.

How could he do this? How could he be allowing this to happen? Was winning the prize and finding his mother worth selling his own soul?

_Sanzo_ wouldn't be doing this. Sanzo would never sink so low. He would have found another way. But he was not the same caliber of person that Sanzo was. He understood that now. Because he _was_ willing to go to _any_ lengths to get what he wanted most in this world. In that way, he was more like his stepmother than he cared to admit even to himself. The thought only depressed him further.

And thinking of Sanzo hurt too. He had feelings for the man, but he would have to crush those emotions if he was going to win. He couldn't allow himself any love for his enemy. It would only weaken him.

And they _were_ enemies now. Sanzo stood in the way of his goal. Kou wasn't about to lose this fight when he'd sacrificed so much of himself already. He wanted _something_ for his trouble- something to help him justify what he was doing. He wanted to win. He _had_ to win. If he lost, he would be left with nothing- no mother, no pride… only the bitterness growing in his heart.

Kou clutched the sink as his stomach twisted. He gulped deep breaths against the sudden nausea, willing it to pass, forcing his body to calm down. Eventually he won the battle and the knots in his gut slowly began to unwind again, leaving him feeling weak and shaken.

He looked at himself in the mirror again, hating the emptiness in his eyes, and the bitterness grew just a little bit more, filling the hollow spaces in his wounded heart.

He wanted to cry but he had no tears left for himself or anyone else.

….

"Seven more days," Dokugakuji murmured, staring at the small picture in his hands. It was a picture of himself and Gojyo when they were much younger. Though those hadn't been the happiest days of his life, he remembered that they'd been in good spirits the day this picture had been taken. Both of them were grinning at the camera, looking carefree and happy.

The colors had faded somewhat, but he could still remember how vibrant and alive his brother had looked that day. They'd been much closer then, before death had entered their lives, staining his hands with the same crimson of his brother's hair.

He was surprised to realize now that he _missed_ his brother. Sure, he'd been a little punk sometimes and was pretty obnoxious too, but they were _family_.

It was just a shame he hadn't realized that before he'd cost himself the chance to have Gojyo back in his life. If he knew his brother at all, he knew Gojyo always meant what he said. If he said it was over between them, then he really had given up.

He wasn't looking forward to seeing Gojyo again at the contest. He didn't need a reminder of how truly spectacularly he'd screwed up this time. He didn't know how he was going to face his brother, knowing Gojyo was all grown up now and didn't need or want him around.

He hated to admit it, but he was _afraid_- afraid to face the fact that he'd lost something he hadn't even realized was important until too late. He'd been such a fool, thinking he'd come so far when, in fact, he'd still been living in the past all this time. The ghost of his mother had come between them as surely as her death had all those years ago.

He held the photo gently in his large hands, remembering a time when they'd been innocent, and grieving for the boys they had been. Salty tears ran down his cheeks as he crumbled beneath the weight of his guilt and his shoulders shook with silent sobs.

Nothing would ever be the same for him.

….

"Seven more days," Hakkai whispered, running one finger along the edge of a cymbal. He picked up a drumstick and twirled it in his long, nimble fingers. It was a trick Kanan had helped him learn, accompanied by a great deal of laughter, of course.

She'd taken such pleasure in his music. She'd even encouraged him to join a band. He'd resisted, having never had a great love of the spotlight, insisting that he played only for her.

He'd cut himself off from everything that reminded him of her when she'd died. He hadn't felt worthy of _anything_ that truly mattered after that. He'd been unable to save her, after all, so what right did he even have to _live_, much less find enjoyment in something?

He remembered the time immediately after her death as just a hazy blur. He could remember only bits and pieces with any clarity. He knew he'd sought out fight after fight, not caring if he lived any longer, just wanting the misery his life had become to end. He'd been unable to end it himself- not out of fear but to punish himself. If he was suffering, he deserved it.

He had no idea how long he remained in that state of blind self-loathing, and he could barely recall the night that changed everything around for him. He remembered being pummeled into the ground, being kicked and stomped and spat upon. He remembered the flash of a knife in the near-darkness, then warmth flowing down from his stomach as he bled. The rest was lost to him- until he saw Gojyo's face looking down at him in the rain.

That face hadn't cared whether he lived or not, and he'd smiled- because he thought he'd finally be allowed to join his Kanan. There would be no rescue from this uncaring person standing over him.

The next thing he remembered was waking up in Gojyo's tiny apartment, in pain but _alive_. He could've resented that man for saving him, for having a face that lied to him about its apathy, but he found he didn't _want_ to. He'd felt strangely refreshed by Gojyo's blunt but good-natured presence and as they became closer he'd lost his will to die and found the will to live once again.

Kanan had been his world and he'd been broken when he lost her. Gojyo helped him build a _new_ world- one for _himself_- and so he owed Gojyo his life. He'd been given a second chance to _do_ something with himself and he didn't want to waste it.

So when he discovered Gojyo played bass, he took up the drums once again… and together they created this band. He still played for Kanan, but now he had another reason. Now he played for _himself_ as well. Every time he played, he could feel the spark of his will burning within him- it was his life… it was _joy_… and he'd nearly lost it forever. That spark was what Gojyo had helped him to find again.

He'd made Kanan's dream for him into his own. In seven days he would make it happen. It would no longer be a dream, but reality. She would have been proud, and that thought warmed his heart even in his bleakest moments. Kanan would be _proud_.

Hakkai smiled and was glad.

….

'_Seven more days_,' the redhead thought to himself.

Gojyo sat with his back against the wall, his knees pulled up, and watched Hakkai twirl a drumstick between his fingers. He could sense his lover's mounting tension as the big day drew closer. Hakkai was more distracted every day, his attention focused on the contest.

Not that he blamed Hakkai in the slightest. The slow crawl of days was wearing on him as well. He'd never been very patient to begin with and this wait was driving him crazy. He wished the damn contest would just _get here_ already so they could show everyone what they were made of and win the prize.

It never occurred to him that they might lose. They were too talented, too prepared… just too damn _lucky_ to not make it big. He'd heard some bands play before that really lacked in talent and he could tell that they were different. Maybe it was foolish… he _knew_ it was corny… but he _believed_ in their ragtag little group. They would win because they'd left no other options open for themselves.

Besides, their biggest competition would be Kou's band and, while Kougaiji may have been an excellent guitarist, he couldn't carry an entire band on his own. The others weren't good enough to beat them.

He _was_ looking forward to facing off against his brother, though. He refused to think Jien- _Dokugakuji_- was any better than he was. He wanted to prove that- to his brother and to himself. He wanted to show Jien how good he was. Then he could walk away happy, with no regrets about how their relationship had turned out.

Gojyo stretched and smiled, feeling the anticipation building in his stomach.

Seven more days… he could hardly wait.

….

"Seven more days," she said, smiling at herself in the mirror while she ran a brush through her long, thick hair.

"Lady" Koushu was pleased at the moment. Kougaiji was doing exactly as she had asked, preparing both himself and the others for the task ahead. Even Lirin seemed focused, and that in itself was a feat of some magnitude.

Kougaiji was proving himself to be exactly what she'd needed. All that was left now was the contest itself. Then she could look forward to him making and promoting an album, touring… and _wealth_. Finally, her goal was within reach. Her patience and planning were beginning to pay off and both she and Kougaiji would get exactly what they deserved.

Only one obstacle remained- Sanzo's group. Everything Ni had tried so far had failed. The bastards were still together, still playing, and had entered the contest. But Ni had promised her he had a foolproof plan this time, and she thought he might just be correct about that.

Her smile took on a cruel twist as she ran over the details in her head once more. It was risky, yes… but sometimes you had to risk it all to win big. She was willing to take that risk. She could practically _taste_ victory now- nothing would get in her way. _Nothing_.

She hummed softly to herself as she dreamed about the future.

….

"Just seven more days now," Ni said, giggling to himself.

The game was coming down to its final stage, and things were really getting interesting. The air was ripe with emotion so intense that you could almost _see_ the undercurrents swirling around them all. His dolls were coming alive as the final moments approached.

It excited him to see it happen, to feel their frantic energy. He could just imagine how much worse it was with Sanzo and his friends. They _had_ to feel less prepared, more anxious and nervous about their own abilities.

He wished he could be there for that, but it was almost time to spring the final trap and he couldn't risk blowing things now. No, he would stay away for now, until the perfect time came to swoop in and wreck their chances for good.

He would enjoy their panic then. He would savor it like a fine wine- the perfect accompaniment to the victory he would be immersed in when young master Kougaiji won that silly contest.

He grinned to himself, whistling a merry tune as he reveled in the chaotic emotions around him. He was in his element.

….

'_Seven more days_!' The thought rang through Goku's head like a mantra. He got more excited with each passing minute, his emotions running high. He couldn't wait to be back onstage, to feel the audience's energy fill him again.

They hadn't booked any gigs in this last week, preferring to conserve their energy and use the time to rehearse for the big day, and the forced inactivity was maddening to him, with all his boundless energy.

He _had_ used some of this time to finish his song, though. Sanzo had told him it was good, so he'd made a special effort to work on it. The guys had added their own input to it and they were all pretty pleased with the results so far. It needed more work before it was ready to be played for an audience, but it was actually _finished_ and it was the first song he'd ever written. He was pretty proud of it.

He'd never been this happy or felt this _alive_ before. Even pain meant he was _living_ and he welcomed every emotion and sensation, however fleeting, with open arms. He wanted to experience _everything_ the world had to offer.

Especially the feelings Sanzo caused in him. Just a single look from his angel's sultry eyes was enough to start that liquid heat building in his stomach. Every touch was like fuel thrown on the fire of his desire. Sanzo's kisses could wipe his mind blank of all rational thought, reducing him to pure instinct and need. He'd never felt anything like it before and he wanted more.

So far they hadn't had the opportunity to actually consummate their relationship, leaving both of them frustrated and aching with unrelieved sexual energy. If it didn't change soon, he'd end up humping Sanzo's leg like a dog.

He could just see his angel's face if he did that- the look would be priceless. He giggled at the image in his head, deciding he would share it with his angel later. Sanzo might even blush if he told him about that. Heck, it might even encourage him to _make_ the time for them to be alone.

Gojyo and Hakkai had done it, but so far Sanzo had refused point blank to even _consider_ getting a motel room, saying he wouldn't be caught dead in a place that filthy. He thought Sanzo was being silly about the whole thing, but he couldn't _force_ his angel to take him to a motel. He'd just have to trust his angel's judgment and be patient a little while longer. Their lives were about to change and they were sure to find a suitable place soon.

He'd even thought about suggesting the back of the van- he'd heard about people doing that from Gojyo- but if Sanzo refused to go to a motel, he would be sure to say 'no' to the van idea.

He would just have to make do with the few embraces they'd shared for now, though he desperately wanted to see and touch and taste Sanzo's skin again. Maybe after the contest was over they'd have a chance to be together and he'd finally get to experience it all. He could wait for as long as his angel needed him to. Sanzo was, after all, _worth_ the wait, and when they finally had their first time together it would be _perfect_.

He smiled to himself dreamily, lost in a fantasy filled with his angel's silky skin and breathy moans. It was the sweetest music they would ever make together.

And for the moment, all thoughts of contests and victory were pushed to the back of his mind.

….

"Seven more days," Sanzo mused quietly, taking another drag off his cigarette and exhaling slowly.

He stood in the darkness in an alley, watching from afar as the stages they would be performing on were assembled in the park across the street. He'd had to come and see this for himself. Very soon they would be up on one of those stages- he'd wanted to get a feel for the place before that happened, when the entire park would be jammed with people.

He wondered vaguely where the damn monkey had run off to. Goku had accompanied him out here, but he'd gotten bored rather quickly, so Sanzo had sent him off to do whatever it was he _wanted_ to do.

He wasn't particularly worried about the boy. Goku had a good head on his shoulders and would stay out of trouble. It just felt strange not to have the boy at his side. He'd gotten so used to Goku's presence that he no longer even consciously noticed it unless Goku was gone- and then he felt like some important piece of himself was missing.

He'd slowly come to realize that he would never feel complete without Goku again. It was a humbling, if somewhat worrying, thought… but he didn't wish for it to change. Goku was the first person in years who made him truly _happy_.

His thoughts drifted to his father- the only other person he'd trusted as much as he trusted Goku. He wondered if his father would be proud of where he was in life. He'd tried so hard to live the way his father had taught him to- with strength, independence and faith in himself.

He believed now that his father would have been proud of him, especially when it came to his relationship with Goku. It had taken a lot of courage for him to open up to someone again and allow the boy into his heart, but he'd done it. He'd conquered the fear that bastard Shuuei had instilled in him and he was stronger for having done so. His fear had crippled him, but now he was healing and well on his way to being whole again.

He had no remorse left in him for killing Shuuei. The man had been a threat. Shuuei would have killed both him and Goku in a heartbeat if he hadn't been stopped. He had done what he _had_ to do to save their lives.

And killing Shuuei had proven to him that the monster he'd feared was larger in his mind than it was in reality. Taking Shuuei's life had been ridiculously simple, after all, and it made the little boy inside him feel safer. His father would have understood how he felt.

Maybe another person would have had difficulty dealing with the fact they'd taken a life, but not him- and not for Shuuei. He would never regret killing the man who'd stolen his last- and most _precious_- vestige of innocence from him.

Lost in thought, he stood there, eyes gazing blankly out into space- no longer seeing the stages under construction or the people in the park. His mind was revisiting an earlier time- when one man's smile had hidden a perverse cruelty from an unsuspecting boy.

And that same boy, now a man, was too distracted by memories to sense another twisted smile full of cruel intent lurking behind him in the shadows.


	18. Breaking the Cycle

Love Song 

Chapter Eighteen- Breaking the Cycle

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Thanks to GhostHelwig for saving this story from the rubbish bin.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Dougan approached his prey warily, expecting the blonde to turn around at any second- but Sanzo remained oblivious to his presence, lost in the thoughts that consumed him.

Dougan was not about to pass up this golden opportunity. This was his chance to _take_ what he'd waited so long for Sanzo to _give_- to show him what pleasures a _real_ man could give him.

He was about to fulfill his fantasies, and excitement coursed through his veins like a drug, enhancing every one of his senses. He could smell Sanzo's skin and the cigarette burning forgotten between his fingers. He heard Sanzo sigh, and the sound shot straight to his rising arousal, almost drawing a moan from his own suddenly parched throat. His eyes feasted on the blonde's lean form, admiring the graceful lines and angles of his body beneath his clothes.

He wanted to bare that pale skin to his hungry gaze and taste it on his tongue. He'd wondered for so long what Sanzo's skin would taste like and how it would feel beneath his fingers. Now he was about to find out.

He managed to make his way directly behind Sanzo without being noticed. Or perhaps the blonde was aware of his presence and finally welcomed his attentions? Either way, the end result would be the same. He was about to find out what it felt like to bury himself deep inside the haughty, arrogant beauty's delectable body.

He reached out and wrapped eager fingers around Sanzo's thin, bony wrist, pulling him backwards and trapping him against his body with his other arm. The cigarette dropped from numbed fingers and Sanzo tensed up immediately, beginning to struggle, but Dougan had been prepared for that.

He turned and shoved the blonde roughly against the building, trapping him. He felt his prey stiffen and freeze, and he grinned, pressing his face into Sanzo's golden hair.

"And now you're _mine_," he said.

….

Sanzo was deep in memory when a hand closed painfully over his wrist.

In his mind, he felt Shuuei's firm grip as the man captured his flailing fists. He could hear Shuuei's voice cajoling, soothing, even as he pinned the struggling boy against him.

In Sanzo's mind, it was Shuuei who pulled him backwards, Shuuei's body he was pressed against, Shuuei's erection he could feel pushing against him once again. His startled mind could not distinguish the memory from reality, but he struggled against the firm grip holding him anyway, panic welling up in his chest and threatening to choke him.

Then he was pushed against a wall with bruising force- memory and reality melding together in his mind as one mimicked the other. He was once again being pinned against a cold wall by a strength greater than his own, a man's hot breath on his neck and a noticeable hardness being pressed firmly against him.

His panic overwhelmed him as he remembered what was coming- the terrible pain and humiliation as he was violated, an alien length thrust inside his vulnerable body and ripping him apart. He froze, unable to move, as unable to defend himself as the boy that he had been.

Then the voice came, shockingly high and smooth compared to the voice in his head. The difference jolted him out of the memory, Shuuei's cries of pleasure fading in his mind as he returned to reality.

He wasn't a child anymore. His name wasn't Kouryuu. He was _Sanzo_- _Genjyo Sanzo_. And the weight against his back wasn't Shuuei's. Shuuei was _dead_. _He_ had killed him.

"All mine," the voice said again as a hand fumbled at his jeans, yanking them open, and recognition flooded his mind. Suddenly he could see again, his eyes focused and clear, and he struggled against the bastard holding him, trying to free his arms and fight. But he couldn't shake off the tight hold Dougan already had over him, and he growled in fury as the questing hand dipped into his jeans and caressed him.

"_Get the fuck off me_," Sanzo hissed, and Dougan responded with a chuckle.

"We're just getting started," he said, pressing his hips more firmly against the blonde. Sanzo could feel the hard length of Dougan's erection against him and he strangled the sudden panic that threatened to return.

He didn't waste any more words. He began to twist and turn, trying desperately to free himself, but every effort seemed to be wasted against Dougan's hold.

Dougan began to inch Sanzo's pants down with his one free hand, baring his pale flesh one inch at a time. Sanzo couldn't fight, couldn't loosen that firm grip Dougan had on him… he was helpless.

And suddenly Goku was there, pulling Dougan off of him and delivering a crushing blow to the bastard's face. Dougan screamed as blood began to flow freely from his broken nose and he pressed both hands to his face to protect himself.

But Goku wasn't finished. He punched Dougan in the side and Sanzo thought he heard something snap, and then Dougan fell to the ground, tears streaming down his face as he cried out in agony.

"Don't you _ever_ touch Sanzo again! Do you _hear_ me?" Gou yelled, furious. He stood over Dougan's crumpled form, fists clenched and golden eyes flashing in anger, fighting down his sudden and overwhelming bloodlust.

Sanzo took a moment to try to steady his ragged breathing and pulled up his pants. His hands shook as he closed the zipper and he forced himself to calm down. It was over. He was safe. Goku was there and everything was okay.

He closed his eyes and took a few deep, calming breaths, then opened them again and went to stand beside Goku. He looked down at Dougan, bent and broken on the ground, his eyes cold and murderous.

"Come near me again and I'll kill you like I did the last bastard who tried to do that to me," he said, and Dougan's eyes widened in shock and fear. Sanzo knelt down next to Dougan and, using his hand as a gun, pointed right between his would-be rapist's terrified eyes.

"I shot him right between the eyes," he said coldly, pressing his fingertip to Dougan's sweaty, pale skin. "_Bang_."

He stared at Dougan for a moment longer, letting the point sink home, before standing again and laying a hand on Goku's still trembling arm.

"Let's go home," he said quietly, and Goku nodded, casting one more angry glance Dougan's way before turning and following his angel out of the darkness and back into the light.

Dougan lay where he had fallen for a long time, fighting down the pain and thanking every god that had ever existed for his life. He knew how very close he had come to dying- if not at Sanzo's hands, then at the boy's.

Life had never seemed so sweet, even with the pain lancing through his side and face. Inexplicably, he began to cry, and his sobs were accompanied by a laughter he couldn't control.

He was shaking, he was hysterical, but he was _alive_.

….

Sanzo walked four whole blocks before his knees gave out. He stumbled and would have fallen if Goku hadn't been there to catch him. He let himself lean into Goku's solid warmth, needing the strength the boy was offering him.

"Sanzo, are you okay?" Goku asked, golden eyes clouded with concern. He held Sanzo gently, as if he were some fragile thing that would break under the slightest wrong touch.

Sanzo took a deep breath and disentangled himself from Goku's embrace. He was shaky, but he could stand again, and his lips tightened in grim satisfaction.

"I'm fine," he said, wiping the back of one hand across his eyes. He felt as if he were waking from some kind of nightmare, even though the fear and danger had both been very _real_. His heart was still racing and he could feel the adrenaline rush of terror lurking just beneath the surface of his calming emotions.

Goku apparently didn't believe him when he said he was okay, because the boy slipped an arm around his waist and hugged him.

"What are you doing?" he asked, faintly bemused and trying not to show it. Goku just smiled up at him sweetly, with those innocent but far from naïve eyes, and Sanzo felt the boy's hand slide down to his ass.

"I'm trying to make you feel better," Goku said, his grin broadening. "Is it working?" he asked, squeezing Sanzo's ass and pulling him closer.

Sanzo's eyes narrowed as he considered his young, almost-lover's smiling face. The boy looked much too pleased with himself.

"You're a damn tease," he growled, tangling his long fingers in Goku's hair and kissing him forcefully. He didn't stop until Goku was _breathless_, then watched in amusement as the boy gasped for air, trying to regain his composure.

"I feel better already," Sanzo said, putting an arm around Goku's shoulders and smiling- and for once his smile felt completely natural.

"Come on. Let's go home," he said, and Goku nodded slowly, still a little dazed from the kiss.

Sanzo walked away, secure in the knowledge that Goku would follow, and for once he was truly happy that he wasn't alone.

….

Gyokumen Koushu stared at Ni with eyes that betrayed none of her true emotions. Ni was intrigued by the way this woman always managed to hide her true self from him while not hiding anything at all. He knew all of her motivations, he understood her goals, and yet… there was still some part of her she managed to keep secret from him. He was unable to see what lurked behind those eyes. Her thoughts were a mystery to him. Every time he thought he had her figured out, she surprised him again. Perhaps that was why he'd stayed around for so long. She was a challenge, and he was a man who thrived on those.

And right now those secretive eyes were focused on _him_. Her close scrutiny would have made him a bit uneasy if he hadn't been so sure of his position already, but she needed him right now and both of them knew it. There was no one else who could do her dirty work like he could.

"You wanted to see me, my lady?" he asked mildly, keeping any trace of his thoughts from his voice. Her eyes narrowed and Ni got the sinking feeling she was deeply disappointed with him.

"You were supposed to have eliminated Sanzo and his group, Ni. Why haven't you done so yet? We're running out of time!" She sounded genuinely angry now, and he smiled at her reassuringly, trying to placate her.

"Believe me. They'll be taken care of. I'm simply waiting for the right moment to _strike_," he said, knowing he sounded cool and unconcerned. Lady Koushu glared at him and he could've sworn she had to refrain from snarling.

"You'd better be telling me the _truth_, Ni. I know you've already failed to break them up. If that was the _best_ you could do, I'm disappointed. You _don't_ want to make me unhappy."

Ni had to force the surprise away before it showed on his face. So she'd had him followed? That was good to know. How little she trusted him!

He cleared his throat and smiled shyly.

"Well, my lady, it's true! I've failed you!" He played up the melodrama with his voice, sounding both sorrowful and guilty for having failed her- his liege. He was tempted to laugh at his own joke, but she didn't seem very amused by his antics.

"I have a _much_ better plan this time, my lady."

"_I know that_," she said. "Don't mess this one up, Ni. Your plan _sounds_ good, but too many things could go wrong. No matter what, I want Sanzo kept _off_ that stage!"

"Understood," Ni said, feigning meekness.

"We must give Kougaiji the chance to make his mommy _proud_," she said, smiling cruelly, and Ni nodded.

"Don't you worry," he said. "They won't know what hit them." His voice was gleeful as he contemplated the show that was about to begin.


	19. Waking the Dragon

Love Song 

Chapter Nineteen- Waking the Dragon

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Special thanks to GhostHelwig for giving me a kick in the ass when I needed it.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Goku couldn't sleep. Butterflies the size of his fists were fluttering around in the lower reaches of his stomach and he couldn't sit still. He'd dozed fitfully for hours but had finally given up. His mind was on overdrive- running through the set list, mentally rehearsing their songs, imagining the crowd's reaction… he was so _nervous_ and _excited_. In a few short hours they would be onstage again, and this time they'd be playing for keeps. He was ready. They all were.

He couldn't understand how the others could sleep so peacefully when the day they'd been waiting for had finally arrived. But just because he couldn't join his friends in slumber didn't mean he was willing to wake them, so he very cautiously and quietly made his way outside to the alley. He didn't want to accidentally wake Sanzo by moving around too much. His angel rarely got enough sleep as it was.

He emerged into the cool early morning air and shut the door gently behind him. Goosebumps broke out on his skin almost immediately and he rubbed his hands briskly over his arms to warm himself a bit.

It was still dark, the first hints of dawn barely touching the sky. The streets on either side of the alley were still quiet, and if he closed his eyes he could imagine he was somewhere else- somewhere with wide open spaces and miles upon miles of countryside.

He wished he could find a place like that and take his angel there. Sanzo might be able to relax better in a place with less people around. Maybe then he wouldn't be so tense all the time and Goku could coax more smiles from him. He liked it when Sanzo smiled. Just one of his angel's rare smiles could brighten an entire room.

A dreamy smile appeared on his face as he stood there, eyes closed and face raised to the sky.

His sharp ears almost missed the sound of approaching footsteps. It was only as they drew close that he realized what he was hearing.

Goku opened his eyes and saw a familiar face approaching. It was the man he'd met after his very first gig- the one who'd been so kind. He remembered how concerned the man had been about him that night. He'd completely forgotten about their brief encounter until now. It surprised him to see the man _here_, though. Not many people passed through this little alley, especially at this time of day, when most people were tucked away in their beds.

"Well, hello," the man said, looking surprised to see him. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I'm staying here with my friends," Goku said, smiling and pointing at the door behind him.

"Really? That's good. And how are things going with your singer? Is he still treating you badly?" the man asked, and Goku shook his head quickly.

"No way! We've worked it all out! And we're gonna perform at that big contest in the park today too!"

The man looked impressed by the news, and Goku was proud. They'd worked hard to get where they were and it felt nice to see someone appreciate their efforts. Goku wished he could remember this nice man's name, but he'd been kind of an emotional wreck the night they'd met and he couldn't remember if he'd ever even learned it.

The man moved closer and patted Goku's shoulder affectionately, smiling down at the boy.

"I'm sorry to have to disappoint you," the man said, still smiling, "but you're not playing that show today."

Goku blinked, his mind trying to reconcile those words with the kind expression on the man's face.

"What?" he asked, completely confused.

Ni took that moment of hesitation to bring the cloth hidden in his hand up to Goku's face. He pressed it to the boy's nose and mouth, holding him tightly as the boy thrashed against him. It wasn't long before the boy's struggles ceased and he slipped to the ground unconscious.

Ni gazed down at the boy for a moment as he tucked the cloth back into his pocket. What a trusting, innocent soul this boy had. It made _his_ job a lot easier.

Whistling softly, he scooped the boy up in his arms and walked away. There was no way this band could perform with their guitarist missing in action. Destroying their chances to win was turning out to be disgustingly easy.

He kept whistling his cheery tune as he tucked Goku into his car and drove away into the fading night.

….

Sanzo woke to the sound of soft voices holding a quiet conversation.

He sat up, his eyes automatically searching the spot Goku should have been in, but the boy wasn't there. That was unusual. Goku was usually the last one of them to wake up. The kid would sleep all day if they let him.

"So you're finally awake," Gojyo said, grinning at the blonde mischievously. "We thought you were gonna sleep _all day_."

"Did you sleep well?" Hakkai asked.

Sanzo grunted in reply, his attention elsewhere. His eyes searched the room for any sign of the monkey's whereabouts, but Goku was nowhere to be seen. The boy's absence made him distinctly uneasy, though he couldn't quite put his finger on _why_ that was. It wasn't like Goku couldn't leave the room without him. But it just seemed… _wrong_.

"Where's Goku?" he asked, and Gojyo shrugged.

"He was gone when we woke up. Little punk must have gotten up _way_ early," the redhead said, shaking his head.

"You haven't seen him?" Sanzo asked, sitting up straighter. The nagging unease in his gut was quickly becoming full-fledged panic, and he swallowed hard against the sudden tightness in his throat.

"We thought he might have gone out for breakfast, but come to think of it, he _has_ been gone a long time. We've been up for ages now," Hakkai said, frowning in worry. Gojyo glanced at both of them, still unconcerned.

"You think he ran off or something?" he asked, sounding unconvinced. Sanzo shook his head and frowned thoughtfully, his eyes distant and unfocused.

"No. He wouldn't have run off," he said. Gojyo sighed in frustration and threw up his hands.

"So _what_, then? You think he got lost or something?" he asked.

"How the hell should _I_ know?" Sanzo snapped, and the slowly rising tension in the room abruptly shot up a few notches.

"Please, everyone- _calm down_. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all this," Hakkai said, trying to calm their rapidly escalating hostility. "Fighting won't help anything," he added.

Sanzo stood up and ran his fingers through his sleep-tousled hair.

"I'm going to go find him," he muttered, pulling on his shoes.

"And we'll help you," Hakkai said quickly, cutting off Gojyo's next comment before it could even escape his lips. He met Gojyo's gaze and held it, and an unspoken message passed between them. Gojyo finally yielded, though he didn't look happy about it.

"All right. We'll look for the stupid monkey," he said, sighing.

Sanzo didn't respond. He was already headed out the door. He wouldn't be happy until Goku was found. The band, their music, everything- it all had to wait. There was no room left in his heart for him to care about any of those things right now. Goku needed him. He was sure of it. He wasn't sure how he knew that, but he could feel it in his bones.

And he would answer that call no matter what it took.

….

What caught Kou's attention was his stepmother leaving the room. He watched her close the guest room door and walk away, and he suddenly had a very bad feeling. She never went into the guest room. It was just a barely-furnished room his friends sometimes used. He couldn't imagine what she'd wanted from in there.

He was going to find out, though. Knowledge was power, as she had so amply demonstrated to him, and so the more he knew about her activities, the better.

He opened the door and couldn't help the startled oath that escaped his lips. His mind struggled to absorb what he was seeing even as his heart grew dark with the knowledge of what she had done.

"What the hell is going on?" he whispered, gazing at the unconscious youth who lay bound and gagged on the bed.

"I see you've found our new houseguest," Ni said, startling Kou. "Don't worry. He won't be staying long."

Kou turned on Ni, eyes blazing with fury, but Ni just smiled and watched him with those dark, mocking eyes.

"Is _this_ your big plan?" Kou asked, raising his voice and not caring who heard him. "_Kidnapping_?"

Ni put a finger to his lips and shushed him.

"If you don't keep your voice down, you might alert your little sister. You don't want little Lirin to know what you're doing, do you?" Ni asked, looking much too gleeful for Kou's comfort.

"_I'm_ not doing anything!" Kou said, lowering his voice anyway. "And _you_ can't do this either!"

"Why?" Ni asked. "Because it's against _the law_?" He laughed. "Don't you want to _win_? This boy could beat you, you know. I've heard him play. He's untrained, but that makes his skill all the more amazing, don't you think?"

Kou heard the truth ringing in Ni's voice, and his fragile confidence buckled under the weight of it. His righteous anger began to fade, unable to stand up against the bitter, desperate need that had taken root in his heart. Ni kept talking, every word another nail in the coffin of his self-confidence.

"You _want_ to win. This isn't just a contest you're fighting for. The prize is much _bigger_ than that, isn't it?"

Ni giggled but Kou was too far gone in his self-loathing to even notice. He looked at the kid again, remembering when they'd met, and he wondered if Sanzo missed the brat yet.

Jealousy flared up in his heart and he suddenly didn't care anymore. He was tired of holding himself back. He'd committed himself to this course. Everything hinged upon winning that contest today. He hadn't come this far just to lose to a punk like this. Sanzo and the others didn't _need_ to win. _He_ did. _He_ was the one with something to lose.

"You're not going to hurt him?" Kou asked, his voice dull and cold. His eyes were lifeless in his bleak face, and Ni couldn't keep the look of triumph from his eyes. Kou ignored it, though. It didn't matter to him. Besides, Ni _should_ feel triumphant. He'd _won_, after all.

"He'll be kept safe and sound," Ni replied, and Kou nodded.

"Fine," he said, turning his back on the helpless teenager on the bed and walking away. And if another little piece of his soul went dark, that was fine too. He didn't need it anymore anyway.

….

They'd searched all day but so far they'd found no sign of their stray member. Goku had visited none of their usual haunts and none of their friends had seen him. It was like he'd just _vanished_ into thin air, leaving no trace of where he'd gone.

It was driving Sanzo crazy. Hakkai had even called around to hospitals, checking to see if anyone matching Goku's description had been admitted. Not knowing what had happened to Goku, or even if he was alright, was driving the blonde out of his mind.

"Where the hell could that little bastard have disappeared off to?" Gojyo asked, not directing his question at anyone in particular.

"If we don't find him soon, we'll miss the contest," Hakkai said softly, his worried eyes searching Sanzo's face for some clue as to what he was thinking.

But Sanzo's face remained unreadable, his blank expression masking his inner turmoil. His stomach was in knots and he had to force down the bitter panic that threatened to incapacitate him. He had to keep control of himself if he was going to even have a _chance_ of finding Goku.

He took a calming breath and lit a cigarette, letting the smoke fill his lungs and soothe his frazzled nerves. He closed his eyes as he slowly exhaled, keeping his breathing measured and controlled as his father had taught him. He let his tension flow out of him with each slow exhalation and gradually the knots in his stomach began to unwind.

He let it go, let everything fall away as he cleared his mind, and as his worries melted away he began to hear something _else_- something new and yet strangely familiar… something he knew he should recognize.

He stilled his thoughts and waited, knowing that to strain for it would be to lose it again, and his patience was rewarded. He could hear something… almost like a voice. It was distant, but it called to him, and he followed it instinctively.

He wasn't aware his body was actually moving until Hakkai caught his arm. He was abruptly brought back to reality, and he pushed Hakkai away roughly.

"Don't touch me!" he growled, his mind frantically searching for the thin thread of the voice that was calling him. Relief flooded through him as he realized he hadn't lost it. He could still hear that insistent call in his head, and he took another deep breath to calm himself. He looked at Hakkai with a silent apology in his eyes, unable to speak the words.

"Where are you going?" Hakkai asked, frowning in confusion but not angry.

"I'm going to find Goku. I'll meet you at the contest," he said, suddenly sure of whose voice it was that was calling him so persistently. Only _one_ person _dared_ to be that annoying to him.

"But…."

"_I'll meet you there_," Sanzo said, cutting off any further argument and walking away. He had no time to waste on arguing.

He followed his instincts, followed that voice that wasn't quite a _voice_, surprisingly confident. He _would_ find Goku. There was no doubt in his mind any longer. He may not know _where_ he was headed, but he knew _who_ he was headed _to_. Goku was waiting for him somewhere.

He drew that knowledge around himself, letting it renew his strength, and let his heart lead the way to his love.


	20. The Final Countdown

Love Song 

Chapter Twenty- The Final Countdown

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Thanks to GhostHelwig for the never-ending patience and willingness to set aside everything else just to help me out. You're the best ever!

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Gojyo stood amidst the noise and bustle behind Stage Three- the stage they would be performing on very soon if Sanzo found the monkey in time.

Time was running out rather quickly, but Hakkai was certain Sanzo would make it back in time, so Gojyo tried not to worry about it too much. Things would sort themselves out one way or another very shortly. There was nothing he could do to change that, so worrying was a waste of his time, guaranteed to give him nothing but gray hairs.

Instead, he wanted to get a look at the judges. He couldn't care less about checking out the competition. No one could stand up to them anyway. But the judges were another story. He'd heard who was going to be here, but he wanted to see them for himself. It wasn't every day you got to see such important people- and they would be evaluating each performance, so it was best to see what they were all about.

He listened as the judges were introduced. First came the Sanbutsushin- a team of three highly respected music critics. They would have to prove they were original to get past those three. He'd heard they were pretty hard on any band they felt was a cheap rip-off of another. Gojyo thought they'd be okay on that score, though- and if they weren't, well… it was too late to do anything about that now. They were who they were.

The second judge introduced was Kanzeon Bosatsu, CEO of Goddess Music, the label that sponsored this whole contest. They would have to put a lot of energy and spirit into their performance to please _that_ one. Everyone knew the "Great Kannon" had an eye for talent, but rumor had it that a wicked sense of humor lay behind that calm scrutiny. They had to give all they had today. No half-assed attempt would do.

It was the third judge who worried him the most. Li Touten, the most powerful manager in the business and father of Nataku- the most talented guitar prodigy alive. Touten was said to be a ruthless businessman and very unforgiving of mistakes. They would have to play not just enthusiastically, but technically sound if they wanted his vote. He would be aware of _any_ mistakes. They needed to show they were professionals who knew what they were doing, not some stupid punk kids.

Li Touten had managed his son's career straight to the top. Everything they did would be compared to Nataku… and he had a feeling they'd come up sorely lacking.

_That_ was what worried him. They played with all their heart and soul, but none of them had been formally trained, so sometimes their techniques were a bit sloppy. Kougaiji would have the advantage in this area. _He_ had formal training and was as skilled as they came.

Still, all this was presupposing Sanzo even made it here in time with Goku in tow. Time was flying by and his doubts were all growing- but he would continue to try and trust in Hakkai's judgment. If he said Sanzo would be here, then maybe he would.

For the first time since he was a kid, Gojyo felt the need to pray for help. Only, he didn't know if anybody was even listening.

….

Sanzo followed his feet, letting instinct guide him. For the longest time, he had no idea where he was going or even what area of the city he was in. Geography didn't matter to the voice calling in his heart.

It led him onward, pulling him with unseen hands, and as he moved toward it the calling grew stronger until he could almost distinguish Goku's voice. Whatever strange bond had formed between them, he was thankful for it. Their connection guided him as he searched for his lost love.

And slowly the streets began to look more familiar again, until he realized he was walking through a _very_ familiar, quiet little area. He hadn't been in this neighborhood for ages, but he still remembered it well.

With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he stopped in front of Kougaiji's house, wondering if he'd been wrong after all. Maybe he'd been a fool to follow some imaginary voice in his head. Maybe, in his desperation, his mind had played some sort of trick on him. Surely Goku wouldn't be _here_. He didn't even _know_ Kou, and Kou's entire family would be at the concert right now- where _he_ should be… if he could find Goku.

The voice was silent now, and he cursed his own stupidity. He'd come all this way… and for _what_?

He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag before lifting his face to the sky and slowly exhaling. His shoulders began to shake in silent laughter as he finally gave up- gave in to the inevitable and mocked his own foolishness.

It wasn't long before he was laughing in earnest- hysterical and sounding not entirely sane, the laughter wracking his body like convulsions.

And that was when he heard it- Goku's voice in his ear. His laughter cut off abruptly and he turned his head around sharply, expecting to see Goku standing by his side with that goofy, stupefied look on his face, but the monkey wasn't there.

Goku's voice came again, this time in his other ear, and it was gone as quickly as it had come. He looked around, but Goku was nowhere to be seen. There was no one on the street at all.

His eyes focused on the house in front of him with deadly intensity as a new certainty formed in his mind. Goku was _in_ there. He was sure of it. He didn't know _how_ he knew it, but he was sure nonetheless. Goku _needed_ him and _nothing_ would stand between them.

His cigarette dropped to the ground unnoticed and then he was in motion, long strides carrying him to the front door. He tried the knob, not surprised that it was locked, but that wouldn't stop him. He'd done this for Goku before.

A few hard kicks were enough to splinter the door, then he was finally through and the voice was _back_, leading him down the hallway to his left. It was loud in his head, filling his ears, and he moved down the hall with desperate urgency. He didn't bother searching the rooms. The voice was leading him directly to where he needed to be.

And then he found Goku, who was struggling against his bonds, trying frantically to free himself. Sanzo went to him, his fingers fumbling with the knots behind Goku's back. The boy's wrists were red and raw from his struggles against the ropes restraining him, and the sight of that wounded flesh infuriated the blonde. He had to force his own hands to remain steady so he could untie the rest of the knots.

Finally Goku was free, the gag and ropes lying discarded on the bed, and he threw his arms around Sanzo, hugging him tight.

"I knew you'd find me!" he said, grinning happily.

Sanzo had no words for how he felt at that moment. Relief wasn't strong enough a word for the emotion burning in his heart.

He just wrapped his arms around Goku's thin body and squeezed him- reassuring himself that this was _real_. Goku was safe. He was _here_ and it was all okay again.

"We have to go," he said, reluctantly letting go and pulling away. He took Goku's hand in his own and led him from the room, not willing to part from him completely but feeling the pressure as time ran out.

"The contest has already started," he called out as he nearly dragged Goku out to the street.

"_What_?" Goku said, speeding up. He stopped suddenly as Sanzo changed direction.

"What are you _doing_?" he yelled, stumbling after the blonde as he hurried them along.

"We can't _run_ the whole way," Sanzo said over his shoulder, heading straight for a man who was just getting into a jeep parked down the street.

"Hey!" Sanzo yelled, catching the guy's attention. The guy's hair was nearly white, but as they drew closer they could see that he wasn't old at all. The man seemed startled but friendly, and he looked at them curiously.

"Can I help you?" he asked, and Sanzo nodded.

"Yeah," he said, slightly out of breath. "We need to borrow your car."

"Uh… can I give you a lift somewhere?" the stranger asked, watching in stunned amazement as Sanzo and Goku climbed into his jeep.

"Yeah. Get us to the park. We're supposed to be at a contest right now," Sanzo said, looking impatient, and the stranger smiled.

"Oh yeah! I heard about that! You in a band or something?" the guy asked, scratching his head and grinning good-naturedly.

"Would you get in and _drive_ already?" Goku said, his voice shrill. "If we don't get there real soon, we'll lose!"

"Why didn't you say so?" the man asked, getting in and starting the jeep. He looked terribly amused by the whole situation.

"Better buckle up!" he said, putting the jeep in gear and stepping on the gas. He accelerated at a breakneck pace, and Sanzo and Goku were thrown backwards against the seats as the stranger sped them away at an entirely unhealthy speed.

"Who the hell _are_ you?" Sanzo asked, yelling the question over the noise of the rumbling engine.

"My _name's_ Gojun, but my _friends_ call me Hakuryu," the guy said, eyes never leaving the road as he broke every possible traffic law.

"Hakuryu? That's a weird name," Goku shouted, and the man behind the wheel just nodded and grinned.

"So I've been told!" he said, laughing loudly. "But you two are in luck today! You managed to hitch a ride with the right person if you want to get where you're going in a _hurry_!"

He stepped on the gas a bit more, and Sanzo closed his eyes as they went careening down the road. They ran a red light without slowing down in the slightest and Goku crowed in delight, enjoying the wild ride.

"Great," he muttered, gripping his seat in white-knuckled fingers and praying they made it to the show in one piece.

….

Kou hadn't meant to end up face to face with Hakkai and Gojyo, but he hadn't realized they were so close until the last minute, and by then it was too late to pretend he hadn't seen them.

The crowd had ended up forcing them closer together, separating him from Doku in the process. But that was fine by him. He'd rather his friend didn't see the guilt that he suspected was written all over his face. Seeing his old friends brought it all surging up to the forefront of his mind, and he swallowed the bitterness that coated his tongue.

"What's the matter, guys? Feeling a little out of your league?" he asked, covering his guilt with a heavy dose of arrogance. He knew _exactly_ why those two looked so freaked out. Their little friend was tucked away all safe and secure in Kou's house at this very moment, and they were left without a guitarist and without a chance in hell of winning this thing.

And it was all his doing… because he'd let this happen. He hadn't stopped Ni's plan and freed the boy while he had a chance. He'd played his stepmother's dirty game like a good little boy and destroyed these men with underhanded tricks. He couldn't find excuses for his actions. These men had been his friends once upon a time. But he wasn't going to let that stop him either.

"Shut up," Gojyo said, glaring at him. "_We're_ just fine. Not a worry in the world."

It was an obvious lie, but Kou let it pass. He didn't want to hear about their problems, didn't want to think anymore about what he'd done to them. He didn't want to chance feeling any more guilty than he already was. He was having a hard enough time living with himself as it was. He couldn't let his emotions get in the way so close to achieving his goal.

He just pasted a smirk on his face and turned his back on them, heading back into the crowd in search of Doku. It was almost time for them to go onstage, and they had to make certain they were ready.

"I'm sorry," he said, speaking only to himself. It was all the apology he could give them. They probably deserved much better than that, but he had an agenda of his own and he couldn't allow his guilty conscience to get in the way of that.

It would all be over soon anyway.

….

"Damn it!" Sanzo said, glaring at the traffic jam ahead of them as if by sheer willpower alone he could make the cars move. He resisted the urge to glance at the jeep's clock. He didn't need to see it to know that time was rapidly running out. He could feel it, could sense the minutes slipping by, unstoppable.

"Sorry, guys. I guess we're stuck," Hakuryu said, raising his hands in mute apology.

"Aw, man," Goku moaned, standing up in the jeep and trying to see into the distance. "I think it goes on for _blocks_!"

"It's the contest," Sanzo said, frustration filling his vice, and he grimaced. "Come on, Goku," he sighed, getting out of the jeep with a distinct look of distaste on his face.

"Where are we going, Sanzo?" Goku asked, climbing out of the jeep on strong, limber legs.

"We're running," Sanzo muttered, not waiting for Goku's response. He ran off and Goku turned back to Hakuryu and waved.

"Bye!" he yelled, his legs already carrying him forward to follow his angel. "Thanks for the ride! It was awesome!"

Hakuryu watched them go and chuckled to himself.

"Those are two _very_ determined guys," he murmured, shaking his head in bemusement.

If they made it to the contest in time he'd be very surprised, but he also knew that it they _did_ make it they'd probably do just fine. He'd never seen two more focused individuals.

"Good luck," he muttered, watching them disappear off into the distance.


	21. I Must Be Dreaming

Love Song 

Chapter Twenty One- I Must Be Dreaming

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

It's been a long hard road, but the end is getting closer and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks to everyone who reviewed me. You've all been way too nice.

And thanks to GhostHelwig for getting me this far. I would probably have given up on this story a long time ago if it weren't for you. _Thank you_.

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Hakkai made some final adjustments to his drum set as Gojyo finished tuning Goku's guitar. They were as ready to perform as they could possibly be without their lead singer and guitarist actually present.

He didn't understand why they were even continuing with this farce. He'd tried to remain positive, but that was hard to do with the harsh reality of things staring you in the face.

They had only a few brief minutes left before Kou's band finished their set, then it would be _their_ turn. If Sanzo and Goku weren't back by then, they would have to forfeit their chance, and so far things didn't look promising. His faith was finally failing as the countdown to their big opportunity began.

He looked over at Gojyo. His lover seemed much calmer now than he had at first. He understood _why_ that was, even if he couldn't quiet his own frazzled nerves. They'd done everything they could do. The rest was out of their hands, and worrying about it wouldn't change a thing. All they could do now was hope Sanzo and Goku returned in time.

The song Kou was playing seemed to mock them. It was yet another song written while he had been their band mate.

Hakkai remembered playing it with Kou and the others for the first time. They'd been impressed. It was a great song, and Kou's fingers had caressed the most amazing notes from his guitar.

That hadn't changed. The song still sounded great and Kou played it masterfully, but it also brought up memories of happy days… when Kou had been one of them and it had looked like they would take the world by storm. Nothing could have stopped them… until Kou left.

Yes, he knew he was being bitter about things, but it didn't sit well with him that Kou had gone on to perform in this competition without them while they were scrambling around still trying to make things work. It seemed unfair, like fate was toying with them for its own amusement, and he hated being forced to play someone else's game.

The last notes of the song faded away, becoming lost in the din as the crowd showed their appreciation for Kou's music.

"Give them a big hand, folks- _Minus Wave_!" their host said over the PA system, rousing the crowd even further. "And if you'll turn to Stage Three, you'll see our final contestants today- _Shangri-La_!"

The crowd was turning- _shifting_- focusing all their attention on Hakkai and Gojyo.

"Holy _shit_," he heard Gojyo exclaim, his lover's gaze focused somewhere to their left. Hakkai turned his head in that direction, pulling his gaze away from the audience, and he saw Sanzo and Goku running up to the stage. They looked sweaty and winded, but they were _coming_.

Then they were there- _onstage_- Sanzo giving Hakkai the cue to begin. Even in his shock, Hakkai responded to that signal, and he began to beat out the throbbing rhythm of their first song.

A smile appeared on his face as he realized they weren't out of the running yet, and adrenaline began pumping through his veins, feeding energy into his body. He felt renewed- reenergized and invigorated.

Gojyo began to play as well, as Goku grabbed his guitar and pulled the strap over his head. The boy's fingers found the strings and he began to play… and they were the sweetest notes Hakkai had ever heard.

Then Sanzo grabbed the microphone and they were complete again.

….

Kou was about to head offstage when Hakkai began to play.

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound. He hadn't expected to hear any music from them. What the hell did they think they were doing? How could they perform with half of their band _missing_? It was impossible!

He swung back around, looking across the crowd to the stage they were on, and as he did he heard the first notes of a guitar join the bass line. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he saw the kid onstage. How the hell had they found him? How had they known where to look? How had they known it was _him_?

He stood there in shock and disbelief, feeling the wheels of fate turning against him and crushing him between the gears of his destiny.

Then Sanzo stepped up to the microphone and Kou's knees went weak with fear as his former lead singer's voice swept over him. Sanzo was breathless and _angry_, both details lending his voice an added edge as he sang.

They were amazing, and Kou knew it. As he listened to them play, he became more and more aware of how tremendous they were. They played off each other like they'd known each other forever, and he knew he could never match that quality of their music. The strength of Minus Wave came from having him at its head. _Their_ strength lay in their ability as a team- the way their styles complimented each other.

He was suddenly sure that he would lose. He would lose and he would never find his mother. Despair began to creep into his heart, blotting the memory of what _had_ been a spectacular performance.

"Kou, come on!" Doku said, motioning to him to come off the stage, and Kou met his friend's gaze with hollow, aching eyes. Doku's smile faded away as he saw the look on his friend's face, but Kou brushed past him before he could ask what was wrong.

Kou headed into the crowd, quickly swallowed up by the mass of bodies, and Doku ran after him. He didn't know what was going on in Kou's head, but he could tell it wasn't good and he wanted to be there for Kou. He obviously needed support.

Kou moved through the crowd with single-minded purpose, refusing to let his guilt and fear keep him from doing what he had to do.

….

Gyokumen Koushu was furious. She turned on Ni, pale and shaking with anger, her eyes murderous.

"_Idiot_!" she snapped. "I thought you said they would never be able to _find_ him!"

She was more than angry, she was _afraid_. They were so _close_ to a win here! She could already feel the future she yearned for beginning to slip through her fingers, but she _refused_ to believe that they could snatch it away from her _now_. It was impossible!

"I _did_ say that, didn't I?" Ni mused, his calm reserve grating on her nerves. "It appears they're much more resourceful than I gave them credit for." He sounded impressed, and she had to bite her lip to keep from striking him.

"_Do_ something!" she shrieked, and Ni smiled at her in vague amusement.

"What would you have me _do_?" he asked mildly, and she looked away, unable to give him an answer.

It was out of their hands now, and she knew it.

….

Sanzo followed the others offstage, feeling triumphant. They'd played their hearts out and it was the best show they'd ever done. Everything had come together perfectly- and the audience had responded to their efforts, growing wilder and louder with each song. If the judges hadn't been impressed by _this_ performance, they never would be.

He wiped the sweat off his face and felt a thin arm wrap around his waist, holding him close. He looked at Goku, who was grinning up at him, his hair sticking out in every direction, and he couldn't help but smile a little in return.

"_Damn_, we're good," Gojyo said, laughing as he put his arm around Hakkai and kissed him breathless. Sanzo rolled his eyes at them, but he really was glad they were so happy.

"You were good," Kou said, emerging from the crowd with Doku close on his heels. There was none of the arrogance in his voice that they were used to hearing, no challenge on his face.

Hakkai started to thank Kou for the compliment when Sanzo's fist plowed into Kou's face, twisting his head around sharply and knocking him to the ground. Doku raised his own fists, ready to defend his friend, but Kou stopped him.

"_No_!" he said quickly, getting back to his feet and dabbing the blood from his split lip. "I deserved that," he said, looking into Sanzo's angry face with calm acceptance.

Gojyo and Hakkai looked completely confused, Doku's face mirroring theirs. Only Goku seemed to know what they were talking about, and he moved once more to Sanzo's side.

Sanzo felt Goku's arm slide around his waist again, gently restraining him, and he gazed down at the boy in surprise.

"He was your friend, right?" Goku asked.

Sanzo didn't answer, but the boy continued speaking anyway, his face pleading for the blonde to listen.

"Don't do this okay? Just forget about him, Sanzo. Everything turned out okay, didn't it?"

Sanzo stared into Goku's upturned face, seeing how serious the boy was about this. Every inch of him wanted to _hurt_ Kou- to _punish_ him for taking Goku away from him and for trying to cheat them out of the running. He would never have thought Kougaiji capable of something that underhanded, but apparently he'd been wrong in his judgment of Kou's character.

That upset him too- that he could've been so wrong… that he'd trusted Kou and he had betrayed them so hideously.

No, he could find no forgiveness for this in his heart. But he could let it go, at least… for Goku's sake.

He turned his gaze to Kougaiji again, his expression fixed and cold.

"Get out of here," he said, his voice dangerous and low. "Go back to your _mother_."

He was surprised by the depth of the sudden pain in Kou's eyes when he said those words, but the announcer was speaking again, and they all turned to listen- all else forgotten for now.

"The votes are in!" the man said over the PA system. "And it looks like we have a _tie_ folks- between _Minus Wave _and_ Shangri-La_!"

The crowd was roaring, nearly drowning out the announcer's next words.

"We'll take a twenty minute break, then we'll head into _sudden death_!"

Sanzo and Kougaiji looked at each other again, both of them setting their animosity aside as they realized their fight wasn't over yet. There would be one final battle before the victors were decided.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry," Kou said, his eyes sad but his face set in determination. He turned and disappeared back into the crowd, Doku following behind with only one final glance at his brother.

Sanzo watched them go, his face an expressionless mask.

"What the hell was _that_ all about?" Gojyo asked. Hakkai looked at Sanzo as well, waiting for an answer, but Sanzo shook his head and shrugged.

"It doesn't matter anymore," he said, dismissing their curious glances. "Let's get ready. We've only got twenty minutes."

The _real_ fight was just about to begin.


	22. To Everything There Is an End

Love Song

Chapter Twenty Two- To Everything There Is an End

By darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

This is it- the final chapter. Of course, there will be an epilogue, but this is the end of their journey. Or is it?

A/N: All lyrics in this chapter were **WRITTEN BY ME** specifically for this story.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who's reviewed me. I love you guys. Especially the repeat offenders….!

Thanks to GhostHelwig for all the moral support and for helping me pound out the numerous plot points that would've tripped me up in this slightly convoluted storyline. You've been the picture of patience. _Thank you_!

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Doku worried as he watched Kou walk across the stage to help Lirin get her drum kit set up again.

When they'd first gotten here, Kou had been full of energy, nearly bursting at the seams with his impatience to get onstage and shine, but now….

Now it seemed like he was just going through the motions, and that was no way to be if they wanted to win. Something was obviously bothering his friend, distracting him from the course they'd set for themselves, and he didn't know how to get Kou back on track.

He'd tried talking to him while they made their way back to their stage, but Kou had just waved him off like his concerns meant absolutely nothing. It had hurt to be so summarily dismissed by his best friend, but he kept that hurt to himself, not wanting to burden Kou with yet another problem when they already had so much to think about.

He could trust in Kou, couldn't he? Kou wanted this more badly than anyone. He would do his best, wouldn't he?

Maybe he was just conserving his energy for the song or something. He couldn't imagine Kou doing anything that would jeopardize his chances at winning today. He knew how important this was to his friend.

So where was the _fire_? Where was the drive that Kou had demonstrated all this time? Where had his energy and determination gone? All that seemed to be left was a hollow shell. Surely Kou hadn't given up yet….

That thought caught in his mind, pulling at his attention. Was that it? Had Kou given up? It wasn't like him to surrender so easily, but it _seemed_ to be what he was doing.

Doku couldn't let that happen- not without trying to help. The battle wasn't over yet. They still had a chance!

He walked over to Kou with cool determination and put a hand on his friend's shoulder. Kou looked up at him, his violet eyes dull and lifeless, and Doku squeezed his shoulder tightly, making him wince.

"Don't you _dare_ give up on us _now_, Kou. This isn't over yet."

"You don't understand," Kou said, glancing away, but Doku squeezed his shoulder tighter to get his attention again.

"No. I _don't_ understand what happened between you and Sanzo. But I don't have to. It's got nothing to do with _this_. This is about _us_- you, me, Lirin and Yaone. We're a _team_, Kou. We'll back you up. But you've gotta do your part. Don't lie down and _die_ at the first hint of trouble! We've come this far and now it's time for us to go all the way!"

His eyes blazed with anger as he lashed out at his best friend, trying to bring the fire back into his eyes. _Something_ seemed to click and Kou's face slowly changed, becoming more alive and animated. Kou smiled thinly and Doku saw his fingers clench into tight fists, and he knew he'd reached Kou at last. The spark was back, and he was relieved to see it.

He released his hold on Kou's shoulder and took a step back as Kou rose to his feet and turned to gaze out over the crowd, to where Sanzo and the others were on their own stage.

"What's done is done… is that it?" Kou asked, and Doku nodded.

"Let the past go, Kou. Whatever it is, it's done. We've got to keep moving forward, no matter what."

"I've got to keep my eye on the prize," Kou said, his determination slowly returning. He smiled again, and this time it was full of confidence and energy. He hadn't looked so much like his old self in weeks.

Doku felt a new surge of confidence fill him as he gazed upon the face of his friend and saw Kou's strength return.

"Let's do this," Kou said, and they shared a smile.

Everything was going to be okay. All they had to do was stick together.

….

Sanzo put his head in his hands and resisted the urge to start tearing heads off. He had to keep reminding himself that it would be counterproductive to start dismantling his band mates at this point in time. But why couldn't they just be _reasonable_ for once?

"All we have left are a few cover songs," Hakkai was saying. "We didn't have enough time. We already _played_ everything we've written."

"We can't do a _cover_!" Gojyo said. "That's career _suicide_! _No one_ will take us seriously if we do _that_- including the _judges_!"

"And _your_ idea is any better?" Hakkai said, beginning to lose his temper as the stress got to him. "A _jam session_?"

Sanzo could hear the frustration and uncertainty behind the anger, and he understood it perfectly. This was getting them nowhere. They'd been arguing this point for far too long already. Neither choice was acceptable to him.

He looked up as the announcer welcomed Kou's group back to the stage. The music started up immediately, full of throbbing energy, and they could feel the audience's enthusiasm as the noise level went up drastically.

"We're out of time," he said simply.

"Well, what do _you_ suggest?" Gojyo asked him. "Tell us, _fearless leader_."

Sanzo ignored the sarcasm and tried to think. They just needed _one_ song. How hard could it be to find _one_ stupid song to play? They weren't going to be defeated by such a simple little thing. No way. Not even if he had to write a song right here and right now.

His gaze fell on Goku, who had wisely decided to stay out of Gojyo and Hakkai's argument. The boy stood off to the side a bit, peering out at the crowd.

Sanzo couldn't blame the boy for being distracted. Goku was still new to all this and this was, by far, the largest crowd they'd ever played for. Goku had probably never seen this many people all at once before in his life. Of course, life was full of firsts for someone who'd been kept locked in a basement all his life.

And speaking of firsts….

A sudden thought occurred to him, and a slow grin spread over his face. Gojyo took a step backwards when he saw that smile, not liking the look of it a bit. Hakkai merely raised an eyebrow in mute surprise. He'd never seen Sanzo smile like that before.

"We've already used all the songs _we've_ written, right?" he asked, still smiling wickedly.

"That's what we've been _saying_! Haven't you been listening _at all_?" Gojyo replied, throwing his hands up in defeat.

"We haven't used the song _he_ wrote," Sanzo said, nodding in Goku's direction.

"Are you _crazy_?" Gojyo asked, yelling. "It's not _ready_!"

Gojyo stood there, fists planted on his hips and glaring at the blonde, stubbornly refusing to back down.

"He's right, Sanzo," Hakkai said quietly. "We're nowhere _near_ ready. We've only run through it a couple of times."

Sanzo looked at the two of them and the smile vanished from his face.

"If you two want to give up right now, then by all means, let me know and we'll forfeit right now. But if you want to _win_ you have to have the guts to take a chance," Sanzo said coldly. "If we're going to lose, we should lose playing _our own_ damn songs. Where the hell is your _pride_?"

"You self-righteous little _prick_!" Gojyo yelled, his face flushed and a vein throbbing at his temple. Hakkai stopped him from continuing his rant by simply placing a hand on his arm. Gojyo looked at his lover in surprise and reigned in his anger a bit.

"Sanzo has a point, Gojyo," he said thoughtfully. "_Our_ ideas don't seem to be what we need. We're out of options. Why don't we give this a try, at least? It certainly can't _hurt_ our chances." A small, sad smile graced Hakkai's lips.

Gojyo glanced at Sanzo again, then looked back to Hakkai and his anger melted away. He sighed and shook his head, resigning himself to his fate.

"_Fine_," he said curtly, "but did you even learn the lyrics?"

"No, I didn't," Sanzo said. He turned to Goku before Gojyo could say anything he'd have to make the redhead regret.

"Goku," he said, drawing the boy's attention.

"Yeah, Sanzo?"

"You're singing our last song," Sanzo said, and Gojyo sputtered, but he ignored him. Instead he focused on Goku, who looked suddenly fearful.

"But _Sanzo_… I can't _sing_!" the boy said, looking horrified by the very idea.

"You can sing just fine. I've heard you. And you'll be singing your song for us. I can't."

Sanzo glanced at Gojyo, who stood there slack-jawed and shocked.

"I _won't_ sing that song. It's _his_. Let _him_ do it," Sanzo said, ending the argument before it even began.

"If we lose today, I'm kicking your ass," Gojyo growled, the fire returning to his eyes. Sanzo gazed coolly at the hotheaded redhead for a moment before dismissing him and turning back to Goku.

"You can do this," he told the boy. "I _know_ you can."

Goku stared at him, speechless, but then he visibly gathered his courage and straightened his spine, determined to make this work. Sanzo watched the gleam of stubborn confidence return to Goku's eyes as the boy mentally prepared himself to meet this new challenge head-on.

He was suddenly, inexplicably _aroused_ and he would have kissed Goku if Kougaiji hadn't ended his song at that very moment.

"We're on," Hakkai said, and as they went onstage, Sanzo smiled again.

Putting his fate in someone else's hands had never felt so good or so right before.

….

Goku felt the music fill him as he strummed the first chords of his song. He'd never imagined he'd be the one up here in the spotlight. It felt strange to be in Sanzo's place, fighting this last battle for him, but he wasn't going to let his angel down. If Sanzo believed in him, then he _could_ do this. He wouldn't fail his love.

He let the music blot out the sound of the crowd in his ears, focusing only on the notes in his head, letting them flow through his fingers. It was easier to play once his awareness of the audience faded away. He imagined he was playing directly for his angel, watching his love's face as he began to sing.

_"I won't lose you._

_Through all the places we have been and all the time that we have spent-_

_Wandering- I'll never lose sight of your light."_

He wasn't aware of the crowd's murmur as they were absorbed by the sad, sweet music he was playing. He was only _vaguely_ aware of Gojyo and Hakkai backing him. His mind was focused elsewhere- on violet eyes that shone with a hidden warmth and passion… piercing eyes that saw straight to his heart. He sang for his angel.

_"In the darkness of this night, I breathe._

_I breathe you into me and I feel._

_I feel the ghost of you beside me and I know…_

_I know that you are never truly gone."_

The music flowed directly from his heart to his fingers. This was his love song.

_"And I won't lose you._

_Should all the pieces of my heart be lost somehow to the void-_

_Wondering- Why I didn't fight for your light."_

His eyes closed, he sang. All the hurt he'd felt, all the happiness he'd had since and all the love he possessed- he poured it out through his voice and fingers, baring his heart and exposing the depth of the emotions in his soul.

He was so lost in his imaginings that he wasn't even surprised when Sanzo's voice joined his for the next chorus.

_"In the darkness of this night, I breathe._

_I breathe you into me and I feel._

_I feel the ghost of you beside me and I know…_

_I know that you are never truly gone."_

Their voices blended, Sanzo's low, hoarse rasp the perfect foil to his own higher, sweeter tone. It seemed completely natural to him for Sanzo's voice to meet and harmonize with his, like he'd been waiting for this without realizing it. Their voices were completely different, yet they _matched_ somehow and it just felt _right_.

_"In this heart, in these bones,_

_In this flesh- I'm not alone._

_Though I may walk this path without you,_

_Your light will lead me home."_

Their voices trailed off, still perfectly intertwined even as they faded into the distance. Goku opened his eyes as he played the final chords of the song, feeling drained and a bit shaky.

The sounds of the crowd seemed even louder as they registered in his brain again, and he stood there stunned as he gazed out over the sea of upraised faces.

"You damn bastard! You said you _didn't know_ the lyrics!" Gojyo yelled behind him.

"So I lied," Sanzo said calmly.

Goku took off his guitar and turned around to see his angel standing off to the side. Their eyes met- one gaze golden and awed, one gaze violet and glowing with satisfaction. He saw the slightest upturn at the corners of Sanzo's lips and he knew it was a secret smile- one meant just for him.

Gojyo leaned toward Sanzo, fists clenched and shaking.

"You're so _twisted_!" he yelled, and Goku laughed in delight. If Gojyo felt good enough to argue, he must think they'd done well.

Hakkai parted Gojyo and Sanzo before things could get _really_ heated up, pulling his lover from the stage almost roughly. Gojyo yelped in surprise, but he knew better than to argue with Hakkai, so he followed almost peacefully.

Sanzo tilted his head in the direction the two had gone and smiled openly this time.

"Let's go," he said, walking away, and Goku bounded after him, adrenaline giving him more energy than usual. He grabbed Sanzo's arm and held it as they made their way offstage.

"Thanks, Sanzo," he said quietly, gazing at his love in adoration and gratitude.

"For what?" his angel asked him, glancing at him curiously.

"For… everything, I guess," Goku said, words failing him. There was so much in his life to thank his angel for, he didn't even know where to begin.

"It's not like I have a choice," Sanzo said. "You call to me."

He smiled tenderly at Goku, the expression only slightly out of place on his face, and the boy grinned happily, not caring if they won or lost at that moment. He was too busy being in love.

….

Kou approached his stepmother on legs that could barely support him. He'd never considered himself a coward, but perhaps he should have. He was terrified, and he hated it. He hated the weakness that was flooding his body, making him shake uncontrollably. But there was nothing he could do. He couldn't calm the frantic racing of his heart any more than he could stop the hands of time and make all this go away.

He stood at his stepmother's side, waiting for the announcement that would decide his fate. There were no more choices to be made, no more chances to change his path. Like a spider to a fly, she had ensnared him, his useless struggles only serving to further entangle him in her web. Now there was only _this_- the final score to the game he'd willingly played, and he was afraid.

He glanced over to where Sanzo and the others waited next to the other end of the stage. They looked just as tense as he was. It was understandable. It had been a long shot putting that kid onstage like they had. Soon they would find out if their gamble had paid off.

Kou's heart skipped a beat when the host's voice crackled over the PA system again. He tried to steel himself against the weakness threatening to send him to his knees as he waited for the final verdict.

"If you lose, you'll have only yourself to blame," his stepmother said coldly, her words obviously meant to punish him.

"_I know that_," Kou whispered harshly, his pulse starting to pound in his ears.

"All right! The judges have made their decision! And the winner of this Battle of the Bands Competition is…."

Kou's blood was rushing in his ears, drowning out all other sound. He had to strain to hear the name that was being announced.

"The winner is… _Shangri-La_!"

Kou staggered, feeling like he'd just been punched in the gut. He couldn't breathe, couldn't hear, couldn't see- his senses were being swallowed up by the despair filling his heart.

He didn't cry. He had no tears left. But he gulped air, trying to fill lungs that seemed devoid of life. He clutched his chest, fingers digging into his own flesh through his thin shirt, but he couldn't feel the pain.

He _did_ feel the stinging slap his stepmother landed on his cheek. His head snapped to the side with the force of the blow, his eyes wide with shock. Never before had she ever struck him. He'd almost believed she never _would_.

"You _pathetic_ excuse for a son! Do you realize how much of my time and effort you just _wasted_?" She was screaming at him, and she raised her hand to hit him again, but he caught her wrist and leveled his furious gaze at her.

"I'm done with you," he said with a feral grin.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, trying to pull her hand out of his firm grasp, but Kou just gripped her wrist painfully tight, refusing to let her go. She would hear what he had to say, damn it. He'd taken _enough_ from her.

"We're through. _Finished_. I won't play for you anymore. Find some _other_ poor sucker to play your twisted little games. I'm _done_."

Kou stood a little straighter, his anger giving him the strength to face her. He may not ever find his mother, but he had _himself_ back again, and it felt good.

"_You need me_," his stepmother said, sneering at him. "You'll _never_ find your mother without my help."

Kou looked at his stepmother's face, so twisted in hatred that he almost didn't recognize her, and he felt the first stirrings of pity in his chest. This woman didn't even know the meaning of the word love, and she was a lesser person because of it. She would _never_ know, because her heart was incapable of such an emotion. It saddened him that the woman he'd grown up loving would never know, never understand, how powerful an emotion love was and what she had meant to him.

"If my mother loves me, like you say she does," Kou said, "she would want me to be able to hold my head up high. She would rather I live happily without her than sell my soul to the likes of _you_."

His stepmother looked stunned by his words, as if she'd finally realized that her hold over him was broken. He wasn't going to let her pull his strings any longer.

Kou released her wrist, not wanting to touch her any longer. He started to turn away when her voice stopped him. She was laughing. He looked at her again, his eyes cold, and waited for her to speak.

"You think you can find your precious mommy all by yourself?" she said, sneering again. "You think you'll find your happy ending? _Think again_. It's too late for that."

She laughed, enjoying her own joke. Kou's eyes narrowed dangerously as she slowly regained control of herself.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, quickly running out of patience for her game playing.

"Your mother is _dead_, Kougaiji. She died _years_ ago. It was a freak accident, _of course_, but what a _relief_! She wouldn't stop asking your father and me to let her _see_ you... as if _that_ was ever going to happen."

She was cut off by Kou's fist as it smashed into her face, knocking her flat. She looked up at him with wide, frightened eyes and pressed one slim hand to her wounded face, where a large bruise was already forming.

"If you know what's good for you, those are the last words you'll ever say about my mother. Except for one thing- _where is she buried_?"

His cold gaze left no question as to what would happen to her if she continued to play games with him.

"Houtou Cemetery," she choked out around the lump of fear in her throat.

Kou gave no indication he'd even heard he words. His face remained a mask, but then he turned and walked away, leaving her sitting stunned and alone on the ground.

Kou walked away from her, feeling lighter than he had in months. The weight of his guilt still remained. He doubted he'd ever be truly free of it, but it was more manageable now somehow. He felt like he had just woken up from a long, terrible nightmare, and the whole world seemed new.

He'd finally made the right choice, and it felt better than he could've imagined. He raised his face to the sky, feeling the sun warm his skin, and he smiled.

….

"We're gonna lose. I _know_ it," Gojyo muttered, drawing the angry gaze of all three of his band mates. He raised his hands and shrugged.

"I'm just _saying_- so don't hurt me." He took another drag off his cigarette and tried to be calm, but Goku could see how tense Gojyo remained.

He couldn't really blame him. They were _all_ feeling the strain of waiting for the winners to be announced. Gojyo was only the most obvious about it. Well, next to _him_, of course.

He knew he was about to drive Sanzo mad with all his fidgeting, but he couldn't help it. Excitement ran thick through his veins at the moment and it was all he could do not to jump up and start hopping up and down just to relieve himself of some of that excess energy.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when the announcement finally came. Hakkai closed his eyes, Gojyo grabbed Hakkai's hand and Sanzo took a deep drag off his cigarette. Goku could tell how tense his angel really was by the fact that he wasn't looking tense at all… just a bit bored.

As for himself, his entire body tensed up, every inch of him aching with anticipation.

"And the winner is… _Shangri-La_!"

He jumped up in the air with a wild cry of exaltation, arms stretched skyward in victory. He threw his arms around Sanzo's neck and hugged his angel tight, and Sanzo tossed away his cigarette and gave him a small smile.

"Was there any doubt?" he asked teasingly, and Goku couldn't help but grin.

Gojyo and Hakkai were locked in a kiss and Goku would have let them stay that way, but Sanzo rolled his eyes.

"Hey. They need us _onstage_," he said, giving Gojyo a hard shove on the shoulder before taking Goku's hand and leading him toward the stairs.

Hakkai laughed as he and Gojyo broke their kiss at Sanzo's less than subtle urging, but Gojyo seemed a little put out.

"_Prick_," he called out at Sanzo's back, but he followed them up the stairs anyway.

Goku stopped at the top of the stairs, surprised by the bright golden sunlight that flooded over him. He pulled his hand away from Sanzo to shade his eyes.

"Goku?" Sanzo said questioningly, turning back to look at him. The sunlight caught in his hair, turning it to liquid gold that burned as brightly as the sun itself, and Goku was caught in it, dazed by his angel's radiance.

Then Sanzo reached out his hand to him, his expression one of tender understanding.

"Hurry up, you stupid monkey," Sanzo said, a smile in his voice, and Goku reached out with trembling fingers to take his angel's hand in his own.

And as Sanzo drew him out into the warm sunlight, he smiled.


	23. The Song In My Soul

Love Song

Epilogue- The Song in My Soul

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. Slash warning!

Thanks to GhostHelwig for always being there for me. You're the greatest!

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"You gonna be okay, Kou?" Doku asked, looking at his friend in concern.

"I finally found her. I'll be fine," Kou replied, his eyes fixed to what lay ahead, where his mother waited.

He knew exactly where she was. He'd fixed the information in his memory. His feet knew what path to take and they itched to be on their way.

"I'll wait here for you," Doku said softly, and Kou nodded.

"Thank you."

Kou walked into the cemetery, letting his feet carry him down the path he'd committed to memory while he took in the peace and serenity that surrounded him. He'd never liked graveyards, but somehow this place was different, as if it held some strange, calming magic. He felt his tension melting away with each step he took.

And then he was there, standing before the simple stone marker of his mother's grave.

He knelt down before it in the warm grass and reached out with trembling fingers to trace her name.

"Mother," he whispered hoarsely, and suddenly he was crying. Tears flowed down his cheeks as sobs wracked his body, and he pressed his palm to the cold stone of the marker as he wept.

Salty droplets splashed onto his hand and the marker as the pain overwhelmed him. He had found her, yes, but she was also lost to him. He was years too late to actually _know_ her- to hold her and feel her mother's warmth. All he would ever have of her was a fool's dream and this stone before him.

And it burned. His heart was breaking with her loss all over again. The pain choked him and all he could feel was the hollowness in his soul where his dream of her had been.

Slowly, his tears began to subside, leaving him sniffling and empty. He collapsed onto his side and lay there in the grass, fingers still spread across his mother's plain grave marker. He lay like that for the longest time, absorbing the warmth of the sun into his suddenly chilled body.

And gradually his pain began to fade, just a little at first but then more and more. The tranquility around him seeped into his bones, soothing the bleeding wound in his heart. A breeze touched him like a soft caress and he could feel love begin to heal the broken pieces of his soul.

He loved his mother and he knew she had loved him. She had never given up trying to see him, though she must have known her efforts would forever be in vain. She had loved him until the very end, until _her_ end, and knowing that made him feel more whole. Even though he'd grown up not knowing her, they shared a bond of love.

It was what he'd been longing for, and he'd found it. He loved her, and even though death separated them, he would forever hold that feeling in his heart. He would never let go of her, so she would never truly be gone.

A smile spread slowly over his face and he rolled over onto his back, arms lying outstretched at his sides, and a sudden, unstoppable laughter escaped his throat.

He let it come, let the love and freedom fill him with joy, and he laughed out loud to the sky.

For the first time in his life, he was whole, and the sounds of his happiness burst forth to fill the peaceful air with the echoes of his healing.

'_Mother_,' his thoughts called out over the distance to wherever her soul was, '_I'm home_.'

….

Hakkai walked next to Gojyo as they headed back to the hotel room they'd been provided by Goddess Records. They'd been given a week off to rest and then they'd be headed into the studio to record their first album.

Hakkai still couldn't believe all of this had really happened. It seemed almost too good to be true. He felt like he was dreaming and never wanted to wake up. It was all too perfect.

Soft voices stopped them, calling their names. Hakkai turned around, pulling Gojyo's arm to get his attention and direct it to the two young women gazing adoringly at them.

"Can I help you?" Hakkai asked politely, giving them a friendly smile. The girls giggled and one of them nodded, extending a small notepad to him.

"Um… can we have your autographs?" the girl who'd nodded asked. "We saw your band at that big contest in the park and we thought you were great!"

Hakkai was surprised but pleased. This was the first time anyone had ever asked for his autograph. He supposed maybe one day, if they ever got really rich and famous, he'd eventually stop caring so much, but right now he was flattered beyond belief.

"Sure," he told the girl, reaching for the notepad.

Gojyo took the opportunity to wink at the girls and give them his most charming grin.

"So where are your boyfriends?" he asked, raising his eyebrows in devilish humor, and the girls giggled again.

"We're not seeing anyone," the bolder of the two girls said, giving Gojyo a blatantly inviting look.

Hakkai passed the notepad to his lover, who scrawled his name on it and handed it back to the young woman.

"Here you go," Gojyo said, his eyes dipping down to the girl's cleavage.

Hakkai watched Gojyo flirt with this girl and felt a hot, burning jealousy flare up in his gut. It surprised him. He'd never felt such an intense possessiveness before, not even with Kanan.

But suddenly the girl's giggles grated on his nerves and he wanted nothing more than to push her away and take Gojyo somewhere else- somewhere more private, where they could '_discuss_' things. And that was the rational side of his brain. The other half of him felt the need to _take_ Gojyo, right here and now, and mark him for his own.

The compulsions warred within him until he couldn't take it any longer. He grabbed Gojyo's hand and pulled him, leading him away from the two young women who seemed so interested in the redhead.

"Excuse us," Hakkai said, not caring that the small smile he'd pasted on his face looked completely unconvincing.

"Hakkai! What the hell are you _doing_?" Gojyo asked, trying to regain his balance, but Hakkai kept pulling him along too quickly for him to do so.

Ha stumbled as Hakkai stopped suddenly and pulled him into a deep, searing kiss. Their tongues met and tangled in a frenzy of passion, until Gojyo pulled away, breathless.

"What the _hell_, Hakkai?" he asked, gazing with concern into the deep green of his lover's eyes.

"I'm exercising my rights as your boyfriend," Hakkai said, sounding none too pleased.

And he _wasn't_. He was irritable with Gojyo for encouraging that girl's attentions, for flirting with her right _in front_ of him. He wasn't aware he'd spoken his problems out loud until Gojyo responded to what he'd thought had been his private thoughts.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to upset you like this," Gojyo said softly, placing a gentle kiss on his lover's lips. "It meant nothing to me. It was just a little fun. I'm sorry."

Hakkai felt like a fool as his jealousy began to evaporate, leaving him without his righteous anger. He knew Gojyo was just flirting, knew it wouldn't lead to anything more serious. He _knew_ that. He'd just been unprepared to deal with such an intense emotion.

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me," he said, trying to laugh it off.

Gojyo chuckled and kissed him again, this kiss a little more sweet and lingering than the last.

"It's okay," he said. "You're cute when you're jealous."

"Thanks, I think," Hakkai said, laughing. "Just do me a favor, will you? Don't call me _cute_."

Gojyo laughed and put his arm around Hakkai's shoulders. Hakkai was glad to feel that warm weight against him, and he leaned into that embrace.

"Okay. No more 'cute'. I swear… honey buns."

"Don't call me that either!" Hakkai said, trying not to laugh at the serious look on Gojyo's face as he contemplated other names to call his lover.

"Sweet cakes? Sugar pie? Dumpling?" Gojyo asked.

"You're starting to sound like Goku. Why is it always _food_ references?" Hakkai asked, and Gojyo shrugged.

"Maybe it's just because you're so _edible_," he said, breaking out into a wide grin. "You make me wanna eat you up."

Hakkai smiled wickedly.

"I think I'll take you up on that offer," he said, and chuckled as Gojyo's eyes went wide in surprised delight.

"You're on," the redhead said, and they walked back to the hotel room hand in hand.

Petty jealousy had no place in his heart now. There was only the sweetness of his life… and Gojyo.

….

Sanzo folded his newspaper and took off his reading glasses, putting them both aside.

It was probably a bad thing to have allowed Goku to sleep this late, but the boy had been exhausted, so Sanzo had let him rest. It had given him a chance to catch up on his reading and relax in quiet for awhile, if he ignored Goku's snores.

But now he was looking for _other_ entertainment. Goku looked far too enticing, lying there on that big bed all by himself. They hadn't had the chance to explore the more physical side of their relationship yet, and he was aching with the need to touch the boy. He didn't want to resist any longer. They'd been waiting for too long as it was.

He stripped off his shirt and climbed on the bed, resting on his hands and knees above Goku's slumbering form. The boy was oblivious, and Sanzo lowered his face to Goku's throat, nibbling lightly at the tender skin there.

Goku stirred but didn't wake up. He mumbled something in his sleep, but Sanzo couldn't make out the words. He moved a bit lower, trailing his tongue over Goku's collarbone and tasting the saltiness of his skin. Goku shifted and stretched, his eyes still closed.

He wasn't going to let Goku sleep any longer. He kissed the boy deeply, and slowly he began to feel Goku respond. When their lips finally parted, Goku's eyes were open and he was looking at Sanzo with eyes that reflected the burning heat of his desire.

Goku leaned up and plunged his tongue into Sanzo's mouth, placing a steadying hand on the back of the blonde's head. Sanzo grabbed the hem of the boy's shirt and pulled it up. Their lips parted only long enough to get the offending garment over Goku's head, then it was tossed to the floor as their mouths melded again.

Sanzo could feel the heat radiating from Goku's body, and he lost himself in it, letting passion rule his senses. He had no clear memory afterwards of taking off the rest of their clothes, yet somehow they both ended up naked. He couldn't remember what ad led to what. The images and sensations were jumbled in his mind, creating one concentrated canvas of pleasure in his head.

All he could recall with any clarity were short, vivid images- Goku's lips parting as he gasped, the muscles of the boy's stomach rippling as they moved together, Goku's eyes open wide and staring into his as they both exploded with pleasure so intense he saw stars.

He lay there afterwards, sticky and not caring in the slightest, holding Goku to him as he tried to catch his breath.

"I love you, Sanzo," Goku breathed, resting his head on the blonde's chest.

Sanzo knew Goku didn't expect an answer. He hadn't said those words to the boy yet. It was so _hard_ for him to admit something so personal out loud.

But if he was to be truly strong, he had to admit it… he had to say those words. He had to be okay being vulnerable. It was the only way for him to grow. He _knew_ this.

And, more importantly, Goku _deserved_ to hear those words from him. It was the only gift Sanzo could give him. It was the only thing he had never before given to _anyone_.

"I love you," he whispered, his voice barely audible, but Goku heard him. He could feel the boy smile against his chest and hug him even more tightly.

And that was how they fell asleep- with words of love on their lips and the bright warmth of it in their hearts.

…The End…


End file.
